Writing Class

A little over a year ago I had to write my obituary for my Ministry of Writing class. I had a lot of fun with it because I could make up a crazy, wild story about my life. I came across it the other day and it makes me want to chuckle.

The amazing part about this story is that at 93 I could manage to throw myself in front of two school girls! And yes, in this version of my life I did marry the guy who plays Jim on The Office.

Now, my some of my life goals have changed a little from when I wrote this (such as wanting to live in all those cities!), but it still is interesting to read!


Rebecca Lee Krasinski, 93, of Chicago, died October 28, 2075 at the University of Chicago Medical Center after saving the lives of two young girls on the city’s South Side. On the morning of October 27 Rebecca sustained multiple gunshot wounds when she threw herself over the two girls as gunfire broke out on the street.

Rebecca was born July 26, 1982 to the late William and Denise (Gabriel) Frederick. She married actor John Krasinski of Boston, Massachusetts in 2011. Krasinski died on February 28, 2074.

Rebecca was a 65-year resident of the West Pullman neighborhood and founder of Breakthrough Urban Ministry’s Christian education center, commonly known as the Education Advocacy and Training (EAT) program.

Before moving to Chicago, Rebecca served as an urban minister in Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C. Rebecca held a Bachelor of Arts degree and a Master of Divinity degree from Campbell University in Buies Creek, North Carolina, and a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Urban Studies from the University of Chicago.

Rebecca was an ordained and active member of Lake Michigan Baptist Church. A strong Christian, Rebecca dedicated her life to helping those in poverty. A firm advocate of education, Rebecca founded the EAT center in 2047 as a subsidiary center of Breakthrough Urban Ministries.

Rebecca is survived by five children, Julia Lee McHogany of Chicago, Anna Beth Sandier of Lillington, NC, Brandon Michael Krasinski of Pittsburgh, PA, Sanyu Smith of East St. Louis, IL, and Jafari Krasinski of Oak Par, IL. Rebecca is also survived by fourteen grandchildren and twenty-two great-grandchildren. Rebecca was preceded in death by one brother, David John Frederick, of Charlotte, NC.

Friends and family will be received from 9:00 A.M. to 1:00 P.M. at Lake Michigan Baptist Church on November 3, 2075. A 1:00 P.M. memorial service will be held at the church.

In remembrance of Rebecca, persons may contribute to Breakthrough Urban Ministries, 3330 W. Carroll Ave, Chicago, IL 60624.

What an Eventful Four Years!

Four years ago today I graduated from college. Now, the past four years have been rather full and exciting. There have been highs and there have been lows, and God has been faithful through all of it.

December 18, 2004 I graduated with a degree in mass communication/public relations. That night friends and I went to see the Raleigh Ringers, a professional handbell choir (it gets more random....a year later my best friend, Erin, and I went to Barnes and Noble to see the Juggling Rabbi). Three weeks later I began divinity school.

After that first semester I headed to Waco, TX. Not being well traveled in my life, I remember walking from the plane and excitedly thinking, "I'm in Texas!" That summer changed my life in so many ways and before I knew it I was back at school. After another year I found myself in West Chicago, IL, about an hour out of Chicago. Not having any clue how a summer in the suburbs made sense, I also was at a bilingual church and didn't understand roughly 50% of what was spoken. Again, that summer was fantastic. I returned to Chicago a couple more times.

I returned to school and completed another semester. Then I went to Belize with a group from the divinity school and I believe God showed me there that one of my spiritual gifts is teaching. After returning home I had four days before I left for a semester in Chicago. Again, fantastic and an incredible experience.

I came back home, began a role as a leader with my youth group at church and embarked on my last year of divinity school. That December my car died and I began working at Bojangles. I mean, seriously....last semester before a masters degree and working at Bojangles. Oh, if only I knew it would be crazier than that!

I entered my last semester going to school, working three part time jobs (ok, the other two were pretty fantastic- not like Bojangles!) and leading the youth group at my church. Around March I began driving around a few states looking for jobs and finally chose The Salvation Army in Reidsville. After I went through the incredible experience of my final chapel as a div school student, the hooding ceremony and graduation, I moved to Reidsville, NC to began a career.

And in a month and a half I moved back, having had accumulated more school debt than my salary could handle. I also was pretty miserable there. Coming home I applied for jobs like crazy and found myself back at Bojangles! What a wonderful opportunity for ministry there, though one I wish I had been a better steward of sometimes. But then I also got a job at Family Christian Stores in Cary and things were getting better.

During this time I also entered my first serious romantic relationship (oh yes, a true champion of singleness doesn't enter their first serious dating relationship until they are 26!) and it was wonderful. But that's come to a halt and yes, I'm still reeling from it.

So, here I am now. Having been accepted into the CPE internship program at WakeMed Hospital, I am weighing my options for what is the best next step in life.

I want so much to do what God wants me to do, but this learning process is quite painful at times!

So, let's see....domestic and international missions, earning a masters degree, serving in a youth leadership role in my church, starting a career and then completely changing plans, having my first serious romantic relationship, and learning more about God and faith and trying to grow closer to God through it all....I'd say it's been an eventful four years.

So, what did I do today on December 18, 2008? I interviewed for and was accepted into the program at WakeMed and I worked a shift at the bookstore.

Let's just say life is a little different than I planned. But that's ok. Not only does God have a sense of humor, but he has a plan....a really good and awesome plan, one he is guiding me on step by step.

Social Justice and People

I didn't bring extra resources. We both wore the uniform and had the visor. On our break I took her to cash her check and then, yes, we splurged to get coffee. When I interned at non-profits there was a sense of authority in my position, a sense that I had much to give to hurting people.

But there we were, both of us in the same place. In true biblical social justice ministry we must enter into community with those around us. The only extraordinary thing I had to bring to the table was my faith, nothing much in the way of material resources. I'm sure we both had mistakes from the past that landed us there, I know I did.

Not too long after that I worked Black Friday at the bookstore. Droves of people graced our doors and the sales racked up. I scanned item after item for people who spent hundreds of dollars. I began to see why other countries detest us. I rang up all these items I would love to own, but could never afford at the time. As Americans we throw down hundreds of dollars in the name of deserving it and we don't think twice.

And I, I have been a proponent of living simply when I rarely did so. I told people that we must be concerned about poverty as I racked up more debt than anyone I know. What was the harm in paying for gas on credit so I could drive to Cary just to study? Why not use that card again to give myself a cup of Starbucks coffee. Didn't I deserve it?

I didn't live simply. I thought I lived more simply because I didn't buy massive amounts of expensive clothes or eat at fancy resteraunts, but little by little I didn't live simply at all.

So here I sit, massive debt, grasping for a career, and healing from the wounds of misunderstood relationships.

I still choose to believe that God will make a miracle story out of this. That one day these struggles will be part of the past and my life will be a living testimony to how far God brings us when we trust him. I have failed greatly in many areas, but I cling to the belief that God will make something good out of it. He never condoned the sins I've committed, but he has forgiven them.

If I am going to embrace life as an adventure I must stop looking to other people to fulfill me. I fully believe the people God brings our way very much can be part of our fulfillment in life, but if they leave, then I must have a strong enough faith that God is still my ultimate fulfillment.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in investing in people. I believe that it is ok to grieve relationships- whatever the nature of the relationship might be- because if things go wrong and it doesn't hurt, then I wonder how deeply committed we were in the first place. So when I say my ultimate fulfillment comes from God, that is not to say that there isn't a level of fulfillment in people we love.

So yes, in some ways I have failed to act on the social justice that was so important to me. In many ways I have failed to show love to the people closest to me. And, in many ways, I plan to make changes in those areas.

A Plethora

I had wanted to write this before now, but I didn't get around to it. So I compose this at this time in my life when the lesson seems even a little more real.

I have questioned how non-believers do it. How can they deal with the pain in life without knowing there is the providence of an almighty God that orchestrates our lives, even in the midst of trial? I do not know how I could survive without that hope.

I had wanted to write about how past situations did not work out as planned but it was phenomenal how they had all culminated into something better. And yet, as I sit here writing, I realize that that culmination may have been a temporary one. Or maybe not...it's all a part of trusting God's plan.

One of the girls I had connected with in Chicago added me as a friend on Facebook the other day. I don't know how she found me, but there is something sacred in the desire of a child to stay in touch with a person who was in their lives, even if only briefly.

As I am in the editing process of my CPE application, I have had to reflect on my life story and my faith development. At first it seemed a daunting task, but as I took to the keyboard, the words flowed and essays developed that showed the rich tapestry of God's work in my life.

In the past few years I have often compared myself to the Israelites. How often we look at them and think they were ridiculous in their often wayward trust in God. Yet, we have the whole story of that time in history and we see the end of the story where God did not abandon them, even after they wavered in the strength of their faith and devotion to him and questioned him like crazy. How much like an Israelite am I! I question and struggle and God pulls me through, only for me to question and struggle again. Again and again I wonder how God could let such and such happen. It was in recounting my personal faith journey over my twenty-six years that I began to see more of the continuous story in hindsight.

Allow me the opportunity to indulge myself in some contemporary country pop culture. Trace Adkins sings a song, "You're Gonna Miss This." Last May, as a I drove away from the house of the children that I had baby-sat for the past year and a half, thinking it was my last time watching them since I was moving to Reidsville, that song came on. I cried.

But I was able to return. We never know when God will give us the blessing of returning. Sometimes leaving isn't permanent.

There are many life opportunities that we all miss, but cherish deeply. Here are a few of mine:

~playing scrabble with the residents at My Brother's Keeper in Waco, Texas
~praise and worship nights at Campus Crusade
~feeling the prick of tears when 'The Servant Song' was sung as my divinity school experience was coming to a close
~having my writing class hear my fictitious obituary in which at 93 I took bullets to the chest to save two young school girls (I am very creative!)
~meeting him in person for the first time, neither of us quite able to look each other in the eyes yet, and then he grabbed my hand and I could hardly form a thought

Those are just a few memories, though many inconsequential in the big scheme of things, that have formed a tapestry for my life. They are a somewhat random collection of the little things God has allowed me to experience.

I have known for a long time that when I give my heart and devotion, I give it strongly. I am a fierce fan of loyalty as I have seen my father demonstrate it time and time again and has unknowingly taught me to be the same way. Though I am often a jerk, I come back to the place and people where loyalty is real.

Matters of the heart are difficult because they are the core of who you are. For most of my life others have had a strong directing in the matters of my heart. I would offer it, it would be given back, and I would cling to what I did not have. There has been the unconditional love of family and friends that I will always cherish. There is the unconditional love of God that I daily struggle to comprehend, though I can never fully comprehend it.

God gives us free will. I have questioned how the free will of others can affect our ability to exercise our own desires.

This is a place of hurt right now; a valley. Less than a year ago I was a full-time student, working three part-time jobs, leading a youth group, and driving like crazy to different job interviews as I struggled to understand the life transition from 8 years at Campbell to a new phase in life.

Now, not quite a year later, I am still in transition mode. I suppose in this life we are always in transition mode from one season to another. I have no clue what's next. I have no clue what people will be the most influential to me in this next part of life. I have my hopes, but I have to surrender them to God, even when that scares me. But after all, I should learn something from my comparison to the Israelites of the Exodus.

And the crazy thing is, I may look back on this time one day and realize that I do, in fact, miss it. Not every part, but some parts. Since I am such a relational person I know that even in the midst of the circumstances, I will always love those who were a part of my life story, even in this. It is my prayer that they continue to be a part of it.

A Request From a Republican

This election has been going on for a very long time; long enough for people to get really fired up about their candidate. Since the results came in I have seen many responses from many different people.

Conflict comes when people deeply care about an issue but see the solution in different ways. I did not vote based on not wanting the poor to be taken care of or not being the "right kind of" Christian. Rather, I saw my vote as what would be best for our nation.

Fellow McCain voters, we need to take the time to work through our frustration and dissapointment and embrace what lies ahead.

Those who voted for Obama, if he had lost you would be frustrated and maybe a little hurt too. This process has been too long for the feelings of the McCain supporters to go away overnight. To those of you who have used such tactics, please stop putting Christians in quotations or throwing us Bible passages. We are human, we must process.

At the same time, fellow Republicans and/or McCain supporters, please stop throwing Bible passages at those who support Obama. Why are we using the Bible as a tool of combat for politics? We believe and obey the Bible, but lately our usuage of the Bible has been to make our own points and the Bible wasn't written so we could use it to push our own agenda....unless our agenda is completely God's agenda with no man-made interference and I don't see how any human being can claim that.

Obama supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Democrat because of the poor.

McCain supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Republican because of the unborn.

It is a Christian duty to care and act on both of these issues- and tons more- in a godly and self-sacrificing way. A vote can be a start, but that does not mean either vote is the best or only way to fulfill one's calling as a Christian.

In heated times such as these we all say things before thinking; myself included a million times over.As much forgiveness and compassion as we expect from other people we must be willing to show ourselves.

I do not fault people for being so emotionally involved in politics....because I know I am. I know I have said things that aren't the most diplomatic or polite out of frustration.

At the same time, no one should expect either side to heal from this division overnight.If it takes me a while to process and accept this whole ordeal, I ask you for that time.

If I fail to show compassion and express hope, I ask you to point that out.

I Know, I Know.....Obama Won

Obama is about to take the stage. I'm a competitive person, so it is with frustration that I see this happen.

Let me explain. I used to be quite the Obama supporter. Back in the Spring 2007 semester that I spent in Chicago I was an ardent fan of this potential president, now turned president elect.

But then I wasn't ok with much of what Obama said and did.

Please understand that I do not come from a monetarily wealthy family. I'm working two part-time jobs, one for minimum wage. I have debt. I have health insurance that is so bad that I went to an appointment and the counselor suggested we bypass the insurance and use a sliding pay scale, which would limit the amount of visits I could have. And yet, still my insurance costs went up- even with no medical issues or hardly even using the insurance.

Oh yes, I understand the plight of those who just want health care.

I also understand the pleas of sincere, progressive Christians insisting it is our duty to take care of the poor. But for every minute you spend telling me that it is my duty to vote with the poor in mind, please spend ten times as many minutes coming to my church telling me why it is important that we make caring for the poor personal and a true job of the church. Let us not shrug off our God-given responsibility of the church onto the government. I believe the church and the government should care for the poor, but I have a problem when people seem to think marking a ballot is fulfilling their duty to care for the poor.

I can do more as a Republican dedicating my life to ministry to and with the marginalized than voting democrat and returning to my suburban middle class cul-de-sac.

Oh, I know, not everyone is like that. There are amazing ministers- lay and clergy- voting democrat who deeply care for the poor. I'm just making some comments on how we seem to look to Obama as some kind of savior.

So, I ask....how do I approach this in the right way? How do I live without annoyance, without ridicule in my mind toward those who really believe Obama can work miracles without raising taxes, and without the quiet hope that soon people will see past his smooth-talking rhetoric to a mere human like the rest of us?

There, I just showed my weakness. I ask how I can get past those things and I still try to get one last jab in.

There are a million reasons why my current financial state would lend many to think I would vote democrat, but I don't. I made my mistakes, I've sought forgiveness, I'm trying my best to trust God and work hard to get out of this mess. I wish that other people had a similar work ethic, but I can't make anyone take pride in what they do. But I guess the government can make me contribute to financially supporting them.

Ok, I know there are plenty of people who really do need help, but there are too many people manipulating the system at the expense of people paying for it for me to feel completely good about taxes in the hands of democrats.

Maybe that's a failure in my thinking, maybe I'm wrong in that. Maybe I've lost some of the compassion I had from my inner-city experiences....I don't know.

I do know that as I see Obama take the stage just now that there is something about him I don't trust.

But as I complain people see Obama as being some kind of savior, maybe I've been guilty of treating the idea of someone other than Obama in office as a kind of savior.

So, I'm going to stop treating politics like the answer to the world's problems. A man-made institution can never solve man-made problems.

It's time to more strongly live what I believe.

I Play It Safe

Whenever my dad vacuums he makes really neat patterns on the carpet; long, neat triangle looking shapes. I don't do it that way. When I vacuum at the bookstore it is a hodgepodge of marks resulting from just trying to get up the debris.

Nothing about my life seems to be neat. I'm not talking about my messy car trunk or disheveled closet, I'm talking about the bigger things.

Is faith messy? Maybe so. It's certainly no exact formula for me. To chronicle my faith journey, I find that there have been unexpected twists and turns all along the way.

I play it safe too often. I played it safe tonight. I stopped ringing people up on the register at the bookstore because if one more person hadn't used their free punch card I could have failed to meet a sales goal. I could have taken the chance, but I didn't. Instead I vacuumed the floor in a plethora of patterns.

Is ringing people up on a cash register really what I'm getting at? Sort of. It's kind of a picture of what I feel in my life right now...afraid of taking chances.

I've got these interviews- two with churches. I've also got some other options that seem easier; things I don't question my ability to do. Because church jobs are a big deal...you know, dealing with people on a deeply personal and spiritual level and being a wise, godly leader to them. I know God equips who he calls and I am trying to trust him in that on a new level.

Some might say I haven't always played it safe. I did move to Chicago for a semester, but that was kind of safe too, because I knew I would be moving back. I have done some pretty daring things, but there was always the safety of coming back.

So maybe that's why this whole situation scares me, because there's no going back. For years I went to Campbell, getting two degrees. I always had the loan money to fall back on, but now I'm no longer a student and the loan money isn't there. It's payback time. The safety net of "I'll take care of it someday" is no longer there because that someday is the present.

And I scare myself because I never had to take it seriously. I could shrug off the warnings, I could make dumb mistakes. I could frustrate my parents because I knew it would work out....but it didn't work out the way I planned.

What is this life? Harry Emerson Fosdick wrote a sermon entitled, "Handling Life's Second-Bests." My preaching professor in divinity school told my class about that sermon, but I never got around to reading it. I feel that I should now.

I'm a fan of easy answers. Who doesn't like simple solutions to fall into their lap? But there is no simple solution this time....there is hard work and trust and overcoming anxiety.

And I have felt anxiety. The days I go into work at my part-time fast food job are the days I often take my medicine. It's not a high stress job, but the fact that I'm there at this point in my life is very high stress. Who has a masters degree and works for minimum wage cleaning a restaurant at 12am?

I am not in poverty, but I have never understood better than now. That silent plea for something better, for something that makes life easier. Oh I know, I have God and I know he is my provider, but I am still reaping the consequences of what I've done.

I'm very much concerned about the future because I have no idea what to do. I try to read a book and I find myself just going back to begging God to show me what he wants me to do.

I have been very honest.

I have also been somewhat melodramatic. Don't get my wrong, there are many, many good things in my life. Things that make me smile and laugh and sing. Things that make me excited about tomorrow and lead me closer to God.

I know all is not hopeless. There is very much hope. God is showing me that hope.

I Guess I Represent Moody

Guess what! I'm in a photo on the Moody Bible Institute website and I didn't even go there! Check it out!

The picture is actually taken on one of the beaches of Lake Michigan in Chicago. Melanie, a Moody grad, is the girl next to me whom I met the previous summer while out in the suburbs. The other girls are her friends I met while I interned in Chicago.

Oh, Lifeway

I had a customer ask me if we had any copies of Gospel Today Magazine available in the store. Upon a quick search of our inventory, I told her we did not. She replied that they were most likely bought out from our store, "Probably because of what Lifeway pulled."

Being a Campbell University Divinity School graduate, I had to know more. She continued to explain the basics of what is found in this article.

Gospel Today's current issue features five women ministers on its cover. Many people will realize that Lifeway is affiliated with the Southern Baptist Convention, which does not support women in many church leadership roles. According to the article, Lifeway stores chose to remove the magazines from the main sales floor and opted to keep them behind the counter.

I found this situation interesting. While I may not be as liberal in my theology as past fellow students I have known (and whom I greatly respect), I am still thankful for attending a divinity school that supports women in the ministry.

Bookseller

Today was a crazy day at work. I hesitate to say bad day because it was actually pretty good. I am so thankful to have a job that does not involve washing dishes.

So, I stepped behind the register and the madness began. The new manager-in-training arrived today and my manager spent most of the day training her. That's all kind and lovely, but that left me...one week into the job....alone with a growing line of customers.

That wouldn't be hard except the phone was ringing, the line was growing, and the computer stopped working properly. So, I meandered through it as best as possible. One lady must have decided she didn't want me to scan her purchase, because she put her book down and walked out. I'm so glad my manager didn't see that.

I am supposed to meet a 90% goal on customers who use our Family Perks card. A lot of the individuals during my mini-rush didn't have one. Since it was taking so long already, I decided not to ask for their names and addresses. That's one quota I did not meet today.

Things improved and I even got some coffee during my break. But then I spilled it on my white shirt...twice.

I went back to work and found out a man I had talked to on the phone earlier in the day had come in for the books I told him we had- which the computer showed me we did. But none of the sales associates could find them and he left before I came back. Ok, so I learned my lesson about basing inventory on a computer and telling customers we have items in stock without physically going to the bookshelf and looking.

That would have been a great lesson to learn before I did it again. The ladies had come all the from Raleigh. Earlier in the day the computer had shown that we carried 6 of the item they were looking for. Usually with a number as big as that you can assume they are there.

So in the ladies came and no, no one could find the boxes of cards they wanted. A co-worker called various stores, another co-worker and I scanned the shelves and the computer and there appeared to be no indication that the cards were in the store. I felt rather embarrassed and apologized more than once. Finally, when all seemed to be gone in the hopes of finding the cards, one of the ladies found them in another section of the store. I was relieved.

I ended up doing better with my MO (member only items) sales than I expected. We're supposed to meet a goal of 25% with those and I earned about 44%. That made my incredibly low Family Perks card number not look so bad.

With all the craziness of the day, it's not to say there weren't some funny points. For instance, I was carrying a stack of books to the teenage section when I read that the forward was written by Chuck Norris. I stopped in my tracks and laughed. The book's title? "Do Something Hard" which of course is even funnier because that's exactly the kind of title Chuck Norris would write a forward for! (FYI: it was a book about battling mediocrity in the teenage years. But I could still see Chuck Norris staring straight into a studio camera and saying...."Don't be average. Do something hard." It's just funny that it wasn't...."Be Your Best" or "Living Without Limits." Nope. It was straightforward- "Do Something Hard.")

I also gasped out loud twice when I got excited about two new books. Rob Bell came out with another title. I never either of his first two, but I was excited.

Anyhow, I rather enjoyed my day at the bookstore. In my Dr. Scholl's shoes from Wal-Mart, I experienced a day free of foot pain.

Yea, I think I'll go in for another shift.

Another Interview

I had the final phase of my interview with Caribou Coffee today and I had a lot of fun. I went in this morning and worked behind the counter, even though I had never been trained on anything. I picked it up pretty quick. Each employee working the register or drive-thru has a quota of specific coffee beans they have to sell. The manager was impressed because he said that he had never seen someone in an observation interview actually take a swing at selling the coffee.

I had a great time being a quasi-employee for about an hour and a half and at the end was offered the job. I would love to take it, but I don't think that the schedule can work with my Family Christian Stores schedule. Neither job has set days, since shifts and days vary each week. Both places want me more in the afternoons and evenings, so that doesn't work. So I'm gonna work Family Christian Stores, Bojangles on days off from Family, and try to find a career-oriented job! Seriously, if I am gonna get a dent in this debt, I gotta work more than part-time jobs!

But I do love working at the bookstore. It's totally my thing and I love discussing with customers about the authors they are buying as well as recommending products. If I could, I would work the next year just at these fun people-oriented jobs and then start a career. But alas, student loans call. So, please keep me in prayer that I can find something full-time.

I did pull an 8 hour shift at the bookstore today and I really enjoyed it. My brother and sister-in-law have been great for allowing me a key to their place in Cary so I don't have to wonder where I am gonna go for a few hours in between interviews, appointments, jobs, etc.

Anyhow, those are some updates for now.

New Job

I started a new job today and I loved it. Of course, I love being around books. One of my biggest struggles is not stopping what I'm doing to read the back cover of an interesting novel.

I feel a million times better- and cleaner- working at Family Christian Stores as opposed to Bojangles. It doesn't take 2-3 hours to close the store and there is no grease.

I actually feel somewhat challenged (if not much) because I have sales quotas in several areas that I am supposed to meet. It's nice to have goals and more responsibility than just shoving bags of chicken out a drive-thru window.

My co-workers seem fun. There's one who got a full ride to Duke Law School! The only problem is that I'm new and didn't have the inside scoop on the inside jokes so I had to choose between making myself a part of them or stocking the shelves; I wanted to try both, but I think I succeeded most with the latter.

So, if you're hanging out in Cary, come on by the Family Christian Store..and please, use your Family Perks card and buy a members only offer.

Memories That Make Me Smile

~Saturday night TV with dad and falling asleep before Walker, Texas Ranger was over

~the reaction of people when I showed up at the Jr/Sr with makeup on and my hair up

~the surprise birthday party at midnight during an overnighter at Camp Sonshine

~Friday afternoons in middle school

~Tuesday happy meal nights with Erin in college

~getting stuck in a library stairwell for 45 minutes at NC State

~phone operas with Jennifer

~an amazing walking tour in Charleston with Tiffany....and Brandon

~toilet papering a house with my best friend and our moms

~seeing Master of Divinity in a frame

~evening walks home in Waco with a friend

~trips to Oak Park, IL

~February 3 of my senior year of high school

~that week to myself back in the summer of 2004

~a trip to the Duke Chapel

~the ministry of books during that semester off

~multiple summers

~getting that first paycheck

~dancing with that guy in a bookstore in Maryland

~catapulting grapes off Grandma's deck with David

~games of war as a kid with the boys

~many other blessings God gave me

Just thinking about how awesome things have been so far and that they will continue to be. It's the little stuff, all added up together, that make a lifetime of memories.

What Do I Know?

I'm going to be brutally honest here: I don't know what I'm doing.

I go between confidence in God's plan and depression. I know it's not always great to be so emotionally vulnerable, but I express myself in writing. Some people express themselves in dancing (I tapped for years and am not sure I exactly get that....to me, it's just fun).

The truth is, I don't know what to do. I don't mean this in the "I have a lot of options and I just don't know which one God would have me do" way. I don't even mean it in the, "I am not sure what I want to do, so I think I'll just take some time off for a while and just chill" kind of way. I mean it in the "I really, really messed up. I messed up so much that I gave up a great job because I couldn't afford to keep it. Now I'm back home and no one cares that I have a PR degree. Nobody is impressed with my efforts. I can't land a good job and I am facing the prospect of juggling part-time jobs at a coffee shop and a bookstore."

Right now I'm working in fast food. You wanna talk about humbling? Have the Assistant Dean, who was in your exit interview from divinity school, come through your drive-thru. Serve chicken to a few divinity school students who are already involved in sucessful ministries.

Some days I go into work and I want to cry. One day I did. It's a lonely thing because no one else I know is in the same spot. I read about old friends buying houses and looking forward to the weekend because they will have a break from work. I want a job where I look forward to the weekend.

People ask me if I found any jobs and after I reply "no" they smile and tell me that "something will come along" or "this is happening for a reason." I get tired of those answers. I should have tried harder. I should have been smarter.

I feel rather alone right now. My poor parents get the brunt of it. I go from being exceptionally high-spirited and optimistic to being edgy and despondent.

I don't even know what I want anymore. Not for now, anyway. Eventually I want to be back in the city. I want to live simply and work for biblical social justice....but let's face it, I can't even give up trips to Starbucks. What do I know about living simply?

I'm Pretty Sure God's There

So, I saw this t-shirt once that tried to make a point. A student's prayer was written on it in which the youth asked God why so many bad things were happening in schools today. God's response was that he wasn't allowed in schools anymore.

At first I thought it was clever, then I thought it was absurd. Most Christians believe God is omnipresent, and yet we talk about him as if we can decide where he can and cannot go.

God not being allowed in schools? I don't think a man-made law can determine that. God is everywhere. It's kind of like when people say, "We're going to make a difference. We're gonna take Christ to [insert geographical/cultural location]." I don't think we take Christ anywhere he already isn't. I'm pretty sure God has been where we are going long before we started fundraising for the trip.

I realize most people don't think of the theological implications of such statements, but maybe that's the problem. Maybe we're a culture of people who don't think things through.

The Past Six Months

The last half year has been an emotional one. Last February I found myself in my last semester at Campbell University Divinity School, part of the Campbell institution I had been a part of for just shy of 1/3 of my life. Things were about to change and I wasn't sure where I would be come May.

Not too soon after that a person very important to me exited my life and my heart broke in one of those ways that felt hopeless. That week I was traveling around North Carolina and up to Maryland for job interviews and I couldn't seem to stop crying in the car, even on the way to an interview in Baltimore.

As the months continued, I interviewed for a variety of jobs. The ones I really wanted to get were the ones I didn't get. Finally I chose a ministry position that I thought would be great. So I dealt with the emotions that came with being hooded by the Divinity School, walking at graduation, and seeing that Master of Divinity with Languages degree in my new Campbell diploma frame.

Shortly after that I said goodbye to a lot of people and moved to another town; my first job out of college. I moved into an apartment and I began to really embrace the town as my own. I started my job, it didn't work out, and I chose to resign and return back home.

I came home and frantically searched for a job, but it wasn't so easy. I finally landed a spot at one of my old stomping grounds: Bojangles. The humbling feelings that go along with that are vast. I soon turned 26 and found myself living at home with my parents and working in fast food. Sure, I had a masters degree, but that didn't seem to help the employment search.

I find myself working at Bojangles, trying to hide my face from fellow divinity school students. I don't want people to know that I just graduated and already am back home.

Each time that I have wanted to call myself a loser, God placed on my heart that I am not a loser because of who I am in Jesus Christ. The only thing that keeps me from giving in to thinking I've ruined my life is that Jesus Christ is my Savior. God's grace is so vast that it even covers every stupid mistake I have made over the past four years.

I am seeing ways God is working in my life, in spite of what I've done. My mom and I had a talk today and talked about how life never turns out the way people would like. That doesn't mean life is bad, but that sometimes reality is a bit different than our dreams.

Most people know Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A friend loaned me a book called "Why God?" It's a text diving into the subject of bad things happening to godly and innocent people. I don't ask God why he let me make mistakes, I ask how I could have been so stupid. God didn't do this to me, I did it to myself. So, did I forfeit the great plans God had in mind? I'm going to say no.

God is an omniscient God; he knew I would mess up. He didn't approve of it, but he knew it was going to happen and I believe he never once wrote me off as a hopeless case. In fact, if we look at the Old Testament we see God's faithfulness to his chosen people, Israel. We see him lead them, punish them for their sin, and then forgive them...over and over again. The whole time he never stopped leading them and loving them.

I really like the verses that follow Jeremiah 29:11. Verses 12-13 say, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." God was telling Israel that he was going to forgive them, that he still had plans for them, and that he was still there for them. In verse 14 God tells Israel that they will find him again and that he will bring them back from exile. I believe the ties to us today are evident.

I feel that God is leading me to seek him more. I'm a stubborn person and it took bringing me to my knees to cause me to remember that God is my supplier. Of course I knew it before, but I know it more now.

I wish I was better at trusting God, but do we ever get to the point of where we should be? I know God will make good of the wrong that I have done; I know that he already is.

John 16:33 tells us that we will have trouble in this world, which includes trouble of our own making. But Jesus also says that he has overcome the world, and that means he has overcome my sin.

There is a sun on the horizon and God is beckoning me to it. The Bible says darkness lasts for a night, but joy comes with the morning. The rays of the sun are shining.

A Dream Deferred Is Not A Dream Denied

A smart friend once said that. Actually he wrote it as a theme in his senior synthesis paper from divinity school.

I really feel that I want to do missions. I want to spend some years abroad, but spend most of my life in domestic missions. I want to be able to go where God calls me and service in a variety of contexts with a diversity of people.

And then there's my own mistakes. On one hand I want to start doing missions now, on the other hand I want to make money quickly so I can pay off my debt and be able to afford a missionary's lifestyle. I'm not about having money, but right now much of me is about paying off my debt.

It's interesting how different our lives as Christians are. I am looking forward to the day when I will not be making a lot of money.

I have two interviews in Raleigh tomorrow with marketing firms. I believe these interviews are stops on my life path. That is not necessarily a bad thing.

God has a definite plan for me. Thankfully his grace allows for my mistakes and I know that in spite of those mistakes God still carries out his plan and his goodness, in my life and the lives of others.

Yes, my dream of being a vocational missionary may be deferred for now, but it is not denied. And if I am honest with myself, there are plenty of ways to be a missionary now, they're just not what I planned. But God has long been in the business of showing that his plans are better than man's.

Twitterpated

I was considering no longer posting my blogs on myspace and sticking to blogspot, but it's interesting to get comments from two different audiences, so I'll keep with it.

Also, I started using Twitter. I'm not sure how this is all that much better than a Facebook status or an AIM away message, but I decided to try it. Check it out: twitter.com/rebeccalee726

On the Topic of Debt

I kind of think President Bush and I have some things in common. For starters, we both had great ideas, but we failed to manage them appropriately.

Eight years ago I was a newly-turned 18-year-old about to embark on my college career. I had a scholarship and ambition and I knew I was smart. Not just in that 'I can do college' kind of way, but smart in the 'I am going to do amazing things' kind of way.

My dreams didn't materialize the way I planned. I put more emphasis into hanging out with friends than studying, so my grades were average. This trend continued through divinity school. I never accomplished what I wanted to with my grades.

Good thing a life is not defined by a GPA. I discovered my love for urban ministry and I found a new passion for ministry. But I had also discovered the excitement of spending money. Although I was always far from poor, I never grew up being able to spend money at will. So, 4 years ago when I discovered that student loan money could be used for anything (regardless of the ethical implications of that, just the fact that it was able to be used for anything) I went a little crazy. I could buy things, I could have more of the things that I wanted.

I knew I would have to pay the money back but even $25,000 a year was more than I had ever made. Surely if I was surviving on part-time jobs with the bills I already had, I could pay larger bills with a larger paycheck. So I continued to make financial mistakes.

I am out of school now and I have immense debt. Most of the debt is for school, but an irrationally large chuck of it is because I made really bad mistakes. I'm with my parents while I desperately search for a job, even if it's not what I want to do with my life.

I am convinced that I will one day be able to do what I want to do. And although my life has taken a different turn than I expected, I believe that I can fulfill God's will right now, even when I'm not living in the inner city. I believe his will for me is to always grow closer to him, and for now, to work my way out of debt. I'm 26, this can be done. I can be out of debt and I can show people that I made really dumb decisions, decisions that had consequences, but trust in God and hard work was what got me out of the mess. Until someone chooses to refuse a life of financial dependence and debt, they cannot change the cycle for children and grandchildren.

I don't believe that God wanted me to go in debt so I could one day help other people. I believe that I made stupid choices, but God is still going to work in my life in spite of them.

So, about the Bush thing. No, I didn't lead a nation to war, but I strained family relationships. No, I didn't make decisions that plummeted my approval rating, but I have let myself and others down. No, I didn't make decisions that had world-wide impact, but my decisions are severely impacting my world.

I believe Bush was striving for good. We know that other candidates, even Democrats, approved of the war at first. But I also believe there was mismanagement. Likewise, I believe that I wanted to make good choices, but I ended up mismanaging what was available to me.

It is my prayer that I work harder to be a good steward of everything God has given me.

A Brief History of July 26

Today being my birthday, I thought I would share a brief history of this day. With the help of The History Channel website and my own life experiences, I have come up with a list. Some of the events are really important, others aren't so much, but they're still fun!

Interested in what happened on your birthday? Also check out "The Timetables of History." An earlier edition was one of my textbooks my junior year of high school and it was amazing.

On....

July 26, 1775: the US Postal Service was established (sorry for the junk mail).
July 26, 1797: John Quicy Adams tied the knot.
July 26, 1908: the FBI was founded.
July 26, 1931: grasshoppers overstepped their bounds in the Midwest.
July 26, 1943: Mick Jagger was born.
July 26, 1945: Winston Churchill resigned.
July 26, 1947: Truman signed the National Security Act.
July 26, 1964: Sandra Bullock was born.
July 26, 1982: I was born.
July 26, 1988: My mom debuted her awesome pink elephant cake for my 6th birthday.
July 26, 1993: I went with my family to see Free Willy for my 11th birthday.
July 26, 1998: This day included one of my most significant experiences with God, it was my 16th birthday.
July 26, 2003: This was my favorite birthday ever! I turned 21 (and no...I did not get drunk).
July 26, 2004: I celebrated my birthday with a trip to the zoo....who does that for their 22nd birthday??
July 26, 2005: I turned 23 in Waco, TX. It was the summer I served at Mission Waco and my passion for biblical social justice began to take root.
July 26, 2006: I turned 24 in Chicago! I love that city.
July 26, 2008: I turned 26 on the 26th and wrote this blog.

Let me know what awesome stuff happened on your birthday!

Money Management

Ok, so the government isn't totally to blame. Sure, I think they took too much of my salary, but I wouldn't need it so much if I hadn't made huge financial mistakes in the past that have put me into so much debt.

I like this quote (summarized and probably not word-for-word): "God provides food for all of his birds, but he doesn't throw it into the nest."

I'm gonna trust God and work hard.

Feel free to hold me accountable.

Bills are Due!

I am back in Harnett County.

I am desperately on a job hunt.

If you have any resources/connections/suggestions....please let me know!

I Vote Repubican...Or Democrat....Or Whoever Will Lower My Taxes

I am frustrated. As many of you may know by now, I resigned from my job. I simply could not meet my bills, especially my student loan payments, on my salary.

Here's what makes me mad: taxes are the reason I have to resign my job.

I guess I was too naive. I was making $25,000 a year. I figured I could count on $2,000 a month because that would total $24,000. I didn't think they would take too much money out of a salary that small. I was wrong. The government is taking about $5,700 a year out of my paycheck. Were they taking out what I anticipated, I would have about $500 a month more and I would not have severe money issues. I would easily be able to pay my bills.

I'm not talking about living more simply so others can receive assistance. I am talking about not being able to keep a low-paying job myself so the government can have my money.

I know the Republican Party is flawed, both parties (and a bunch of smaller, less influential parties) are. Many Republican candidates no longer seem to be about lower taxes and smaller government. But I am going to seek out candidates that do lower taxes, candidates that stand for the traditional values of the Republican Party. However, I agree that sometimes Democrats will do a better job. Regardless of who lowers my taxes, if I am going to follow Jesus' command to care for the poor, I have to be able to keep a job so I have money to give.

A Shift in Focus

So, how I approach theology has changed a bit since divinity school. True, it hasn't been quite two months since I graduated, but I can already see some changes.

For instance, toward the end of my divinity school career I was very concerned with the liberal vs. fundamentalist debate. Terms such as postmodern, moderate, emergent, and other words peeked my interest.

I admit, they still do to some degree, but as I am trying to figure out why God has put me here in this small, rural town, I realize that a good definition of postmodernity does nothing to help the people in that incredibly poor section of town buy food. Arguing liberal vs. fundamentalist theology is not empowering the regular visitors of social services.

I think there is a place for those debates, and I think many people are called to deeply explore them. I believe some people are definitely called to the ministry of questioning and engaging in issues of theology.

Sometimes I feel like I am shallow if I am not engaging in these debates, but that's not the case. When I think of ministry, I think of it as being holistic. Part of that definitely involves deep conversations about theology, but some of that also involves meeting people's needs in simplicity. Sure, I enjoy a good theological debate every now and then, but for me to effectively minister to those I'm now daily encountering, I need to be able to share Christ in layman's terms.

I still think it's very important to understand theology and decide what and why you believe what you do about the Christian faith. At the same time, I am realizing that it's not always necessary to use multi-syllable theological words to share my faith and views. I am learning to share my faith, and my theology, in simpler terms.

Please know, I am not undermining the importance of deep theological study and I respect those who regularly undertake that task. I often do enjoy exploring theology and engaging in theological debate. But I also think there is a time and place for ministry involving more basic conversation. Yes, there are definitely times when my ministry involves exploring deeper theological issues, and I am trying to find a balance.

Small Town Update

It's been a while since I've blogged, but I don't have to tell you that. So, where have I been all this time? Still in the same town, though my outlook is very different.

Perhaps you've heard of the phrase 'a dark night of the soul'? Well, I don't think what I've gone through is that drastic, but depression was very much an issue.

It's hard to go from a very familiar place, surrounded by friends to a two-bedroom apartment all by yourself and no clear direction in your job.

I'm not going to go into details, but I have been praying and I know people have been praying for me and I've been hungry for Scripture in a way I hadn't been in a while. The other night I was looking up phrases like 'lonely' in my concordance and finally started reading the book of Job. I've cried, I've prayed, I've gotten angry. I've even questioned whether or not I made the right choice in moving here.

Don't get me wrong, there are things I love here. I am starting to get more accustomed to my job. Though I still don't know how to grow a youth group out of no youth, I do know that God is in control. I pray that he will bring the kids he wants to come and I have to trust him for that. The Holy Spirit does the prompting, I'm just a vessel.

Trust me, there have been plenty of opportunities to laugh. Here are a few:

-going to a small town council meeting. "Reidsville...in the house!"

-seeing a fence with a giant welcome sign and a small no tresspassing sign right beside it

-eating at a second resteraunt that had brains on the menu

-being told the confederate soldier made of stone in the middle of town is a 'monument', not a 'soldier statue'

-trying to buy coffee after 8 at night or animal crackers on a Sunday morning- nothing's open!

-having a 4-year-old at church who named one of his toy cars 'Snot Rider'

-having a patriotic service on JUNE 4

-taking Bella on a walk down Main Street, having the leash break, and carrying her like a baby back up Main Street, around the corner, past City Hall and the police station

-taking Bella on a walk down Main Street with her new leash and deciding to clean up her poop in Bank of America's front lawn even though they charged me overdraft fees

-going door-to-door to advertise our children's and youth programs and having a dresser on someone's front porch fall on me

Oh, there are many other things. But I suppose the most significant thing is a serious thing. It's how God is teaching me to rely on him in a way I haven't had to in a long time.

I may not like not having a roommate or a job where I am not sure what to do next, but God is walking me through it. And for that, as well as other things, I am thankful.

Small Town Living

I'm sitting on the floor of my living room surrounded by a bunch of stuff that should be put away. I've been here since Wednesday and it has been pretty good so far. A special thanks to my mom for cleaning the bathroom (you have no idea how bad it was) and putting shelf paper in my kitchen cabinets. I'd also like to send a shout out to my dad, his friends, and my brother for moving in heavy stuff.

The day I got here I kept telling my mom how excited I was to get a library card, so that was one of the first things I did the next day. I think she thought I was a little strange. I mean, we're not talking about Chicago's city libraries here. I've also been to the city hall, the coffee shop, various establishments and driven around town, getting the feel of this rural location. There are beautiful historic homes and downtown is extremely cute.

My friend Rachel and I even ate at the Sanitary Cafe where they serve brains. Yea, you totally read that right. Large brains and small brains and I said, "What do they mean by that??" apparently really loud. You can get brains with other foods and it sits on the menu like it's self-explanatory. Is it normal to have brains on a menu? Wouldn't it be a little more normal to at least say pig brains? Or cow brains? But to just say brains....I mean, you don't have to be from a DC suburb to think that's weird.

The street my apartment is on has several apartment complexes and nice family homes. Both sides of the street have a bike lane and most evenings you can see people out riding bikes, walking dogs, or just walking themselves. You also don't see older women carrying sticks. Back in Maryland they carried sticks. I always assumed it was to ward off an attacker, so I guess my new place is a little safer than the 'ol DC suburbs.

I do miss living with other people, I'm too much of an extrovert. Bella keeps me busy because she chews on everything, so it is kind of like having a two-year-old with me.

I'm suprised by how much I like small town life. Of course right now it is still a novelty, but it's proven fun so far. I'm not far from Greensboro and things here in Rockingham County are a whole lot closer than in Harnett County.

I survived my first day of work and I'm sure I'll be able to update you on that soon. Don't hesitate to call or e-mail me!

Small Town News

I realize that every journalist has to start somewhere. While I was a reporter for The Campbell Times as an undergrad I once had to write a story on the new bikes the Campbell security guards were riding.

So when I read this article I could understand if the reporter who received this assignment felt a little ridiculous. And yet, this is Harnett County, so I imagine stories like this aren't incredibly rare.

Did I mention I love the city?

Rural vs. Urban

So, what are your opinions on this article?

Perspectives on Current Events

I just got finished reading some entries from the blogs of Arloa Sutter and Edward Gilbreath, both located on my list of recommended blogs. Arloa is the Executive Director of Breakthrough Urban Ministries in Chicago and Edward Gilbreath is a Christian journalist/writer who wrote an amazing book entitled Reconciliation Blues: A Black Evangelical's Inside View of White Christianity.

I was reading Arloa's blog and discovered a serious problem I knew nothing about: school children in Chicago are being killed. According to her blog, 24 Chicago Public School children have died this year. One of the youth in Breakthrough's after-school program was hit in the head by a brick and is struggling for his life. One youth was killed in the park at Fulton and Albany. That is the park that was right by my apartment in Chicago, one that I walked past countless times.

I may not be able to stop the violence, but there are some things I can do. I can pray. I can tell you guys so you can pray. These kids are growing up in an environment where it's not cool to succeed and do well in school. There are gangs and drug dealers using kids as runners. So, even though you don't know the people in this community, and I don't know them anymore either, I ask you to pray. And I hope that this encourages us to look at social issues within our own community and then do something. It makes me feel like I should be headed back to the city, but I am trusting God that he is going to use me greatly in the town where I'm going.

Another issue is about Rev. Wright, Obama's former pastor who has made some controversial statements regarding race and America. Both Arloa and Mr. Gilbreath wrote blogs on this issue. I have to admit, I didn't understand everything and after reading excerpts from interviews and other people's opinons, I am understanding it better. Yes, Rev. Wright said some inappropriate things, but we (myself hugely included) have failed to understand it. Rather, we've trusted video footage edited together by the media, and I'm pretty sure we all know we can't always trust the media. Maybe Rev. Wright isn't the crazy racist we thought he was. And, as Mr. Gilbreath said, this incident has opened a great opportunity to talk about race and racial differences.

These are some heavy thoughts.

Rebecca vs. a mosquito

Perhaps I'm just emotional from the process of beginning a new stage of my life, but I just had a very emotional exerpience with a mosquito.

He was in the bathroom and I had seen him before. I thought maybe my dad had taken care of him, but there he was again, sitting on a cabinet up on the wall. Mom was making me kill it myself since I had to be able to do it in my new apartment. I took a shower in the other bathroom. But I went back to kill the bug.

I hit him with a shoe and he flew into the bathtub, which caused me to scream and I think run from the bathroom. I went back in.

I don't know how long I stood there or how many attempts I made to scoop him up in toilet paper, but I began to tear up. I would bend to get him, then I'd stand back up again. His legs were long and I was scared they were going to touch me if I scooped him up.

Finally I smacked him again with the shoe, saw him looking quite smashed, screamed and ran out of the bathroom. When I went back in I just started crying. I was afraid to scoop his dead mosquito body up because I thought he might not really be dead and one of those legs would touch me. Finally I flushed him in the toilet.

There was a leg left in the tub. I leaned my elbows on the sink counter and cried some more. Then I flushed the leg.

Mom clapped for me and told me I did a good job. By this time I was on the computer and she asked me if I had cried. When I told her I had and she asked why, I started crying again and told her I hated bugs.

I'm doing better now.

The crazy thing is, when I was in my apartment on Chicago's West Side and thought someone was breaking in upstairs, I don't remember crying; I was rather calm. Yet, that mosquito scared the mess out of me.

Go figure.

Avoiding the Problem

Tonight I was perusing travel books at Barnes and Noble. I suppose I wanted to pick a "fight" because I located the Chicago guidebooks and looked up the area I lived in last spring semester. I found Garfield Park Conservatory, which was just a couple blocks from my apartment and checked out what some of the guides had to say.

The general gist was to forego public transportation and drive yourself to the conservatory because the area around the conservatory was "blighted" and had high crime.

It was hard for me not to be a bit offended. Sure, there is plenty of crime, but there are plenty of amazing people.

Ok, I concede to the point that tourists who don't know where they are going probably shouldn't trapeze through East Garfield Park, but I think it goes further than that.

We live in a culture of avoidance. If it doesn't make us comfortable, we ignore it. I'm going beyond tourism here, I'm going to the heart of acceptance. We can't accept people we will have nothing to do with.

As Christians we are called to minister to the poor. After all, it was a major teaching of Jesus. I know that not everyone is called to the same ministry and there are many other economic classes that need the Gospel too. I don't think everyone is called to move to the inner city. What I am saying is nothing is going to change if we avoid what is difficult for our own safety.

This is a hard blog to write becuase I understand the importance of being smart and cautious, but I think that is so often used as a safety net.

But how do we approach ministry in the inner city? A lot of times we use language such as, "taking God to the city." Through the writings of others (though I wish I could credit this to my own insight) I have come to realize that we don't take God somewhere he isn't already, we are simply helping to show people that he's already there.

No, I don't think tourists should walk through high crime neighborhoods they aren't familiar with (especially if they are anything like the Washington, D.C. tourists I would see whenever I went downtown back home), but I think that Christians need to go against the advice of the rest of the world and "take the public transit."

And when we do so, we must be careful not to confuse ministry with cultural adaptation. I'm a middle class white, but that doesn't mean I'm going to take the ideas used for my youth group and apply them in a context where they won't work. But how does a middle-class white learn what does work? I think sometimes they get a bad rap for trying to make other cultures like them, when in reality, they are doing the best they can. I know when I first received my calling to social ministry I felt like I was looked down on for not knowing what I'd never been taught.

But there are people who are trying to change what suburbanites are being taught. We need people like Tony and Bart Campolo, Jimmy and Janet Dorrell and Arloa Sutter to guide many Christians in this ministry Jesus commanded of his followers.

Ministry is always two-way. After all, if God is already there, there are people who have seen him and they become ministers to us. As I read on a friend's blog once, pride is an easy load to bare when you think you're sent to save the city. Pride must be erased and then relationships can be formed.

I know sometimes I might come across as thinking ministry to the poor is the most biblical form of ministry. I don't mean to be that way. I'd be incredibly mistaken if I overlooked the importance of reaching everyone. It's just that I believe this is the ministry calling God has given me and it is hard for me not to be passionate about it.

If you want to read some provactive thoughts on urban ministry, check out "Their's Is the Kingdom" by Bob Lupton. It has been an incredibly formational book in my own experience. It's a super short book full of super short stories. I have a copy if you want to borrow it. And if you do read a few pages of it, let me know. I'd love to talk about it.

Seeking God's Will

So the job search I began earlier this school year has culminated in my taking a position with the Salvation Army in a small North Carolina town. I originally went to this interview to "keep my options open." I was still seeking out Chicago and some other big city opportunities, but God surprised me in a big way.

As I was trying to decide on a ministry position, I really wanted to do God's will. That got me thinking because I realized that a main reason I wanted to do God's will was because I knew that would make me happiest. If I am where God wants me and doing what God wants me to do, I will be happier than if I were anywhere else.

So, do I want God's will just so I can be happy? I really had to rethink my motivation and realize that I need to desire God's will because it is serving God, not my own happiness. Of course I can take my own happiness into consideration, but that should be a byproduct, not the main reason for seeking God's will.

I know that I want to honor God and be used by him, but my concern for self so often seems to outweigh that.

So as I begin this new phase of my life- in a small southern town- I'm going to try my best to keep my focus on God, not me. And if I'm completely honest, a lot of the time that's a pretty hard thing to do.

One Month

I graduate a month from today.

Except for a semester I took off in undergrad, I have been a student since I was five. But even during that semester I knew I was going back to school.

Last spring semester I was still a student, but was interning in Chicago. It was almost like not being a student, but I knew I was going back to school.

I've had many years of summer breaks, spring breaks, Christmas breaks, and fall breaks. But during those breaks I knew I was going back to school.

I think I know what job God has lead me to, but I don't want to announce it until I know for sure. I think it is finally starting to sink in, this leaving school thing. I mean, maybe I'll go back part-time one day, but my full-time, always having gone to school days are about to be over.

I returned from Chicago on May 1, 2007. I remember thinking and praying about the next year, which would include my last year of divinity school. In a few weeks that year will be up. Then a couple weeks later I'll graduate and very soon after that I will move.

I am used to going places, serving for a couple months and coming back. But not this time. This time when I am done serving where God has lead me, he will lead me to another place to serve. There has been a lot of opportunities to serve here at Campbell, not all of which I've fully taken advantage of, but there is a longing God has placed in me to serve in other places too.

As I have mentioned before, very close to 1/3 of my life has been spent at Campbell. It is going to be a change.

I am ready.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. ~1 Corinthians 2:9-10

Keep Those Presses Rolling

I used to want to be a journalist, but I thought the hours were too unpredictable. I used to want to be a news anchor working in New York City, but that ceased to be my dream. Funny that I am going into the ministry- very unpredictable, and funny that I began to see my calling to urban ministry while I was in New York City.

Though I am not going to be a regular front page contributor to The Washington Times (ironic that I am mainly referring to print and I am including an internet link), there's something about journalism that will probably always fascinate me. When I watch movies that take place before television became mainstream, I am jealous that newspaper reporters were the ones to break the big stories. Rather now, newspapers have had to form a new identity: the source of in-depth coverage that television news can't provide. Yet, now even the internet is competing with that.

To explain my fascination with the media, consider what I did within minutes of Kansas' victory in the NCAA final game: I hopped on the internet to see how fast different news websites would publish headlines.

I was on The Campbell Times staff in undergrad and for the most part, I loved it. And let me say, with all the complaints against the campus paper, give those students a break! Yes, there are some errors, but they are still learning. I don't think you'd find a law student who could argue a case flawlessly or a pre-pharmacy student who could accurately detect every dangerous medication combination.

With newspaper readership on the decline, I find it comforting to see the Newseum re-open in Washington, DC. When I was in high school I made a few visits to the museum when it was in Arlington, VA. Very few museums offer such a range of interactive activities and I hope this museum will help more people understand the complexity of news coverage.

So next time you see a newspaper, take a glance at a headline. I'm not even asking you to read the article, just take half a second to appreciate the contribution journalists have made to communication.

I Saw My Mother

It was in the bathroom of a church in Wilmington. I looked in the mirror. I saw my mother.

Well, of course, I am her daughter. It's natural that I would look like her. And yet, I used to wonder how I fit into the family.

David looks just like dad. I'm told I look just like David, but I think its just the red hair. If I did look just like David I would look just like dad, and I don't.

Some people say I look just like my mom, some people say I don't look like my mom. Our senior portraits from high school are very different and I thought I didn't look like my mom.

The rest of my family was very athletic. They all played catcher in baseball or softball sometime during their life. I was the kid who was just good enough not to strike out at kickball, but nobody's first pick for the team unless my best friend was captain.

Sophomore year I had the opportunity to fill in for an intramural game. I played catcher. True, most of the balls rolled past me and were picked up by the umpire, but I played catcher. I was excited.

My mom and grandma often call me by my aunt's name and it appears I picked up a lot from her. It appears I picked stuff up from my uncle on my dad's side. It doesn't appear I picked up as much from my own parents.

Sometimes I just feel like someone in my family. It might be a way I move my hands or how I feel when I'm speaking, but I will think how it is something David or mom would do. I feel how I think another family member sometimes looks. If that makes no sense, you're probably normal.

Yes, when I looked in the mirror that March day in Wilmington and saw my mother's face, I was happy.

Turns out I might not be adopted after all.

Up From the Grave He Arose!

That is the first line to the chorus of my favorite Easter hymn. I love singing that line because it's so joyful and victorious. Much of the chorus has that determined marching sound. Another favorite is Christ the Lord is Risen Today. I got to sing both of these songs twice today.

Early in the morning my dad and I made our way to the Buies Creek Cementary where Buies Creek First Baptist and Memorial Baptist were having our sunrise service. When I first heard it would be in a cemetary I thought it was a little odd, but then I realized how incredibly logical and amazing it was.

We had a great service as the sun rose and people no longer needed flashlights to read the bulletin. The sounds of the trumpet in the early morning air added to the holiness of the moment.

Afterward we headed to Memorial's fellowship hall for a great breakfast and then my dad and I headed home. While he and mom went to Sunday School, I went back to bed! But I got up in time to go to the 11am worship service where we got to sing my two favorite Easter hymns again.

That afternoon we headed out to eat and then to the movies, followed by a trip to Barnes and Noble (I am my parents' child!). It was so great to spend time with my parents- who even got me an Easter basket! After a brief visit with my grandma, we arrived home and each kind of did our own thing (my mom and I watched a show and learned this technique for controlling emotional eating- very interesting!) and I hung out with Tyffany for a bit and then headed back home.

Last year I spent Easter in Chicago, so it was really great to be back with my home church this year. There was such holiness in the Easter celebrations. I'm incredibly thankful that God sent his Son to die and rise again to save us from our sins. I also love to read the Gospel passages containing the accounts of the ressurection. After doing an exegetical report on Luke's account for my preaching class, it is so neat to compare the different accounts. There's a lot to discuss in those passages.

This Easter was really great and I had a great time with my family.

Christ the Lord is risen indeed!

Procrastinating is....eh, I'll finish this thought later

I decided to change the look of my blog. Sitting in the library for almost 8 hours on a Saturday gives me plenty of time to think about things like that. Of course it also gives me plenty of time to tackle the backlog of Church History homework I've let pile up or edit my senior synthesis paper, but I would rather not.

In general, doing the school thing seems to be something I would just rather not. I started the semester enthused about one last chance to pull my GPA up as high as it could go and then spring break happened.

Ever since spring break I have not cared about my GPA. When I didn't show up to my first class after the scheduled spring break I responded to my friends by saying, "I didn't feel like ending my spring break yet." Of course missing one class is not going to send my GPA into a desperate spiral to a 0.0.

I also dropped a class I was auditing because I really don't feel like sitting in class for 2 1/2 hours on a Tuesday afternoon if I don't have to.

Yes, I think that as far as academics go, spring break was one of the worst things that could have happened.

Life without a GPA. What is that? Gracious, you best believe I look forward to finding out.

The Early Hours of Good Friday

The computer reads 5:52am. I have been up since a little before 3:30am. Isn't this only supposed to happen to parents and their newborns?

And yet, here I sit, quite awake. This tonsilitis is taking its toll.

I was thrilled when I realized I would have three evenings in a row free to do what I want. That rarely happens and I dreamed about going to Barnes and Noble and reading. Those dreams were quickly shattered.

I started to feel bad. Then it got better. Then I started to feel worse. Then my mom took me to the doctor.

Tonsilitis with the possibility of strep throat. But now it looks like its just tonsilitis. Being out for more than a brief period of time exhausts me and I find myself having to get back home to rest.

So much for that rest tonight. I had slept almost 3 1/2 hours when I woke up and have been awake since.

I've thought a bit about how on the Christian calender Jesus was being questioned at this time. He was being beaten and he knew what was ahead. And yet he stayed there, ready to give his life for us.

Fully God, he knew he would be ressurected on the third day. Fully human, perhaps the darkness seemed to almost veil the coming light.

As I took communion in chapel yesterday for our Maundy Thursday service, I knew I could only grasp a small peice of the holiness of the moment.

Easter is coming.

I Stalk Dogs

And maybe I should be a tornado chaser.

I had a surprise day off of work today so I hit the road to the Barnes and Noble in Cary to do some fine reading of the lastest novel I'd started. Not too long into my retreat I began to feel achy and realized I must actually be getting sick.

I decided to go home, but on my way I saw two dogs frolicking by the road. Yes, it had started to rain a few drops and yes, I was feeling achy. But that didn't stop me from pulling off into a neighborhood and trying to coax the dogs toward me.

These were pretty trusting pups. The small one let me pick him up and the large one allowed me to hang onto his collar. I debated whether to take them to my car to call the number on one of the tags or whether I should take them up to the front door of the house that belonged to the driveway I was standing in. Deciding that I did not want to look like a dognapper should the family see me leading dogs away, I took them up the steps.

Poor big dog, he was old. After I got him up the steps (with which he seemed to struggle), knocked on the door, and released his collar, he went back down the front steps and I soon followed suit since there apparently was no one home. But now the big dog wouldn't come because he probably figured I would make him go up more steps. The little one was a follower and did whatever the big one did.

They ran off so I did what any daughter of my mother would do, I followed them in my car. I got out of my car once more and tried to get them to come back, but they did not listen. I drove around the neighborhood a bit more and not seeing them, I decided to leave them. It was their fault if they wanted to be in the rain and what I soon found out, was a tornado watch.

My anger toward the dogs soon turned to my anger toward a friend. I think most of my friends and family thought I was just dissapointed in how my relationship with this friend went, but in actuality it hurt with a pain I have rarely known in my life and I'm not sure when the last time was that I had cried that much.

Ok, yes, I had been a bit irrational, but he had been rather insensitive. It's not the first time I had noticed that about him, but I usually tried to dismiss it. I don't think he intends to be insensitive. I actually think that in his mind he doesn't connect his actions to insensitivity. I still respect him because he had been a good friend and there were glimpses of sensitivity once in a while. I'm not so angry now, but I still am a little annoyed by the boy.

Which brings me to my point of being a tornado watcher. As I learned there was a tornado warning in a nearby county and a watch in mine, I found it fascinating as I contined to drive down the back road, the sky gray and a storm on the horizon. I thought it might actually be neat to see a funnel. So says the girl who has never experienced a tornado.

My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place lately.

Interview Marathon, Lap 3

This time I headed to Baltimore for a meeting on the city's West Side. I must say, the landscape was a bit more intimidating than Chicago's West Side. But then again, Chicago was pretty intimidating the first time I headed out there, so maybe I just have to get used to Baltimore.

The trip up to Maryland was eventful as I took a variety of unexpected turns. After missing my exit, I made an impromptu decision to check out the Stonewall Jackson Shrine I saw a sign for. Discovering it was closed, I continued on. After a few turns and a small gasoline spray from the Nozzle at the Wawa gas station, I continued.

Construction is a big business around DC and they did not slack off while I was away. Upon returning to the area I realized the interstate was a little different than it used to be and before I knew it I had passed the Pentagon, the Washington Monument, and what I think was the Jefferson Memorial and they were all way too close for comfort. I had done it; I had accidentally gone downtown.

I called Tiffany, exclaiming that I did not want to go into the ghetto. I avoided the way to Anacostia as best as possible (by going in whatever direction the signs for Anacostia were not pointing) and with the help of Tiffany and her mom I ended up on the Suitland Parkway and eventually to their house.

Why are you afraid of the ghetto if you were interviewing there, you may ask. Easy answer. I don't mind the ghetto when I intend to be there and I know my way around. However, frantically driving the streets at night was not something I wanted to do.

On the day of my interview I headed out and got a little turned around in Baltimore. Most people get lost in the bad section while looking for the good, but I got lost in the good section while looking for the bad. I passed by Camden Yards twice, but finally got to my destination. I did get a smile on my face as I was trying to get back on the right road and I got to drive on one of the Jetson-like bridges that goes way up in the air. Then I got to do it again on the right road! There's something about all those bridges criss-crossing in the air that makes me want to drive on them.

The meeting was great. It wasn't exactly an interview as they really wanted to see where I could fit in with the ministry. They are looking for someone to work with the youth at the church, particularly to lead Bible studies and teach girls. However, the position might not be in place by the time I graduate.

I had a great time with Tiffany and other friends while I was in Maryland. I even randomly pulled off I-95 on the way back to explore Richmond. Good times.

I am safely back from my interview marathon and am praying God opens and closes doors as he sees fit.

It's been a good journey.

Interview Marathon, Lap 2

The second leg of my interview marathon was much more interesting than the first. This time I was headed to Wilmington, NC. On my way the pastor called me to tell me they were filming a movie outside of the church and I would have to enter around back. If you see a low budget film about Wilmington's race riots in the 1800s, I was by the set.

Anyhow, I entered Wilmington's historic district and was floored by how beautiful everything was. I planned to do some walking around after the interview, but decided to go ahead and go in.

I was early and the pastor was on the phone, so one of the administrative assistants and I go to talking. Before long we were in the hallway watching some of the actors put rifles in the hallway. Soon they were out and I sat down with the pastor who explained the church's vision for the residency; I was very excited.

Throughout the day I talked one-on-one with most of the staff and was worn out by the end of it. I mean, I really enjoyed getting to know them but I had been traveling on little sleep for the second day in a row all while trying to put my best foot forward. I now think I know how introverts feel. While talking to the Minister of Spiritual Formation we headed over to the activity center and I saw the youth room, otherwise known as The Cove. This was the most amazing youth space I had ever seen as there was a section with multiple flat panel plasma tvs on the wall, each connected to a different game console.

The church recently aquired the old county jail located directly behind them. This space houses social ministries and was defintely a place of interest during my visit. The main building was amazing and the sanctuary was beautiful. One of the buildings used to be an old infantry building and I was totally engrossed in reading the historic documents on the walls. I totally would love to spend the next two years of my life there because the staff is great and I really feel it is a wonderful and healthy congregation to begin post-graduation ministry in. We'll see what God has planned.

I didn't get to walking around Wilmington since I was ready to head home, but I did get to eat lunch a few blocks from the church at a seafood restaurant on the river.

Well, the third leg of my interview marathon was today and I'm rather tired, so I'm gonna keep this one shorter than the last, though by no means was it less interesting. Join me next time as I take a look my interview in inner city Baltimore and my rather interesting travel journey to Maryland.

Interview Marathon, Lap 1

I've basically been a student all my life. Sure there were those first four years of my life and then that semester in undergrad that I took off, but I have never been faced with actually having to be out on my own with no return to school scheduled. Since I graduate in May, I figured I should look into the whole career thing. I managed to schedule three interviews in four days. Many things surrounding these occasions were marked with a randomness only I could draw out. Join me as I recollect interview one: Reidsville, NC.

I began my trek and soon realized Mapquest didn't feel the need to put in the last few turns. After stopping at a grocery store, I was directed to the Salvation Army Family Store. I walked in to a scene that can only be described as something from a movie.

The twangy country music of decades past drifted across the old thrift store building as rural customers perused the items for sale. The lady behind the counter looked just as you might expect in such a movie. I wouldn't have been surprised to see two guys in cowboy hats standing in the corner look at cassette tapes.

Click, click, click. The sound of my heels seemed even more apparent as I made my way across the hard floor. I didn't quite fit in with the townsfolk as I was dressed up for an interview. I asked where I might find the person I was looking for and was referred to another worker who offered to take me there himself. Now if southern hospitality is a real thing, I just saw it.

I followed him through town in my car and wound up at the Salvation Army offices. When I saw the Captain (whom I assumed had a military background to earn the title of captain, but he did not) it was like seeing Stonewall Jackson. I am not sure what Stonewall Jackson looked like, but I imagine he had the look of this Salvation Army Captain.

I thought the whole army thing in Salvation Army was just a name or that the organization had at least been modernized. Maybe a little, but not much. The whole uniform and officer ranking seemed a little outside of my field of interest. Yet, as I learned about the job I was applying for I realized it was exactly something I would like to do.

However, there was a problem. After I saw that his wife also sported a Salvation Army uniform I began to wonder how I would relate to youth in a white button down shirt with red straps on the shoulders. I managed to ask in as non-offensive a way as possible whether or not I would be subjected to the official wardrobe. I found out I would not; I felt better.

And then there was another problem: the city of Reidsville. I feel called to urban ministry and urban this was not. It was by far one of the most depressing towns I have ever seen.

Fortunately I had the opportunity to have lunch with a friend in Greensboro, so I could talk to her about the job before I headed back for the rest of the interview. I went to Moe's Southwestern Grill and they like to yell greetings to the customers. As I stood in line and heard repeated yells, I realized it was like getting in trouble every time someone walked in the door.

But there he was, standing before me and ordering a salad in a tortilla shell. He was beautiful and he looked about my age. I figured he must be married since I am in seminary and I am used to the guys who go into seminary, those who have been married by twenty-one. But as he cracked his knuckles I realized there was no ring. In true Rebecca fashion I appeared to ignore him and that was that.

By the time I returned the to Salvation Army (having gotten lost and calling the Captain for directions) I was feeling a little depressed. As many of you know my heart has recently been broken (probably stepped on by a cowboy boot and stabbed by its spur) and I began to see the town in light of this person.

As I drove home I cried. A lot. It was rather pathetic. I prayed, I cried, I listened to my new Beatles 27 number one hits cd.

I love the job description, but I don't love the town. I don't know that I could move there, which is alright because the next day I interviewed for a job that I would love to take. Stay tuned for the next leg of the interview marathon.

The Restaurant Formerly Known as Popeyes

I would like to dedicate this post to someone very dear to me. May you always secretly like Blondie's "Heart of Glass" and never give up saving the pandas. You're right, they are cute.

Now for a great story.

For those of you from North Carolina, you probably did not grow up eating at Popeyes. The better alternative to Bojangles (Popeyes is international whereas Bojangles is only in select states), it is only found in a few rare places in The Old North State.

My friend Whitney and I headed to Fayetteville in search of some chicken goodness. We easily found two Popeyes locations online: the Raleigh airport and Ft. Bragg. Since we didn't have access to the airport terminals and my military privileges expired two and a half years ago, things didn't look good.

But there was hope! Through a Google search, Whitney found a Popeyes on Gillespie Street in Fayetteville. We started our trek.

Our trip involved a few shady parts of Fayetteville, but it was nothing we couldn't handle. We looked and looked and finally a familiar building caught Whitney's eye. It looked like a Popeyes! Or what was once a Popeyes. The sign was stripped and it looked vacant.

We had to investigate and find out if it was time to give up our Popeyes search. Upon entering the parking lot we saw that there were, indeed, cars. Then we noticed the large white signs on several windows with the cartoon drawing of an older man (who bore a strange resemblance to an aged Fat Albert) and the words "Fat Milton's".

That's right, we were in the parking lot of a Fat Milton's. Whitney bravely went inside to see if it had formerly been a Popeyes. While she went in I snapped a picture on my cell phone of one of the signs. When Whitney came out she informed me that it did used to be a Popeyes and that there was only one pan of chicken and a couple sides. Looked like Fat Milton wouldn't be fat for long.

As we were getting back into the car, a young gentleman approached the restaurant in a rather heavy fur coat. It being North Carolina, the heavy clothing item didn't seem necessary. Apparently I took too long getting the door unlocked as Whitney stood nervously outside my car. The young pedestrian took a rather shady look into the car beside mine and then proceeded to enter Fat Milton's.

We got out of there.

I needed to know if there was any more hope for a Faytteville Popeyes. I called 411 and the man informed me of the locations we knew about, including Gillespie Street. I asked him if he thought the one was actually on the base and he did. I asked him if he knew of any others in the area, he didn't. I told him the Popeyes on Gillespie Street was no longer a Popeyes. Whitney and I ate at Bojangles with a trip to Ruby Tuesday's for dessert.

You can't make up stories like this. Fat Milton's was beyond incredible. As we drove around the building to get away I noticed that only half of the drive-thru menu was still intact.

I have heard Fayetteville referred to as the armpit of North Carolina. While it does have some redeeming qualities, I think it's safe to say that we discovered that that nickname is rather appropriate.