A Plethora

I had wanted to write this before now, but I didn't get around to it. So I compose this at this time in my life when the lesson seems even a little more real.

I have questioned how non-believers do it. How can they deal with the pain in life without knowing there is the providence of an almighty God that orchestrates our lives, even in the midst of trial? I do not know how I could survive without that hope.

I had wanted to write about how past situations did not work out as planned but it was phenomenal how they had all culminated into something better. And yet, as I sit here writing, I realize that that culmination may have been a temporary one. Or maybe not...it's all a part of trusting God's plan.

One of the girls I had connected with in Chicago added me as a friend on Facebook the other day. I don't know how she found me, but there is something sacred in the desire of a child to stay in touch with a person who was in their lives, even if only briefly.

As I am in the editing process of my CPE application, I have had to reflect on my life story and my faith development. At first it seemed a daunting task, but as I took to the keyboard, the words flowed and essays developed that showed the rich tapestry of God's work in my life.

In the past few years I have often compared myself to the Israelites. How often we look at them and think they were ridiculous in their often wayward trust in God. Yet, we have the whole story of that time in history and we see the end of the story where God did not abandon them, even after they wavered in the strength of their faith and devotion to him and questioned him like crazy. How much like an Israelite am I! I question and struggle and God pulls me through, only for me to question and struggle again. Again and again I wonder how God could let such and such happen. It was in recounting my personal faith journey over my twenty-six years that I began to see more of the continuous story in hindsight.

Allow me the opportunity to indulge myself in some contemporary country pop culture. Trace Adkins sings a song, "You're Gonna Miss This." Last May, as a I drove away from the house of the children that I had baby-sat for the past year and a half, thinking it was my last time watching them since I was moving to Reidsville, that song came on. I cried.

But I was able to return. We never know when God will give us the blessing of returning. Sometimes leaving isn't permanent.

There are many life opportunities that we all miss, but cherish deeply. Here are a few of mine:

~playing scrabble with the residents at My Brother's Keeper in Waco, Texas
~praise and worship nights at Campus Crusade
~feeling the prick of tears when 'The Servant Song' was sung as my divinity school experience was coming to a close
~having my writing class hear my fictitious obituary in which at 93 I took bullets to the chest to save two young school girls (I am very creative!)
~meeting him in person for the first time, neither of us quite able to look each other in the eyes yet, and then he grabbed my hand and I could hardly form a thought

Those are just a few memories, though many inconsequential in the big scheme of things, that have formed a tapestry for my life. They are a somewhat random collection of the little things God has allowed me to experience.

I have known for a long time that when I give my heart and devotion, I give it strongly. I am a fierce fan of loyalty as I have seen my father demonstrate it time and time again and has unknowingly taught me to be the same way. Though I am often a jerk, I come back to the place and people where loyalty is real.

Matters of the heart are difficult because they are the core of who you are. For most of my life others have had a strong directing in the matters of my heart. I would offer it, it would be given back, and I would cling to what I did not have. There has been the unconditional love of family and friends that I will always cherish. There is the unconditional love of God that I daily struggle to comprehend, though I can never fully comprehend it.

God gives us free will. I have questioned how the free will of others can affect our ability to exercise our own desires.

This is a place of hurt right now; a valley. Less than a year ago I was a full-time student, working three part-time jobs, leading a youth group, and driving like crazy to different job interviews as I struggled to understand the life transition from 8 years at Campbell to a new phase in life.

Now, not quite a year later, I am still in transition mode. I suppose in this life we are always in transition mode from one season to another. I have no clue what's next. I have no clue what people will be the most influential to me in this next part of life. I have my hopes, but I have to surrender them to God, even when that scares me. But after all, I should learn something from my comparison to the Israelites of the Exodus.

And the crazy thing is, I may look back on this time one day and realize that I do, in fact, miss it. Not every part, but some parts. Since I am such a relational person I know that even in the midst of the circumstances, I will always love those who were a part of my life story, even in this. It is my prayer that they continue to be a part of it.