The Past Six Months

The last half year has been an emotional one. Last February I found myself in my last semester at Campbell University Divinity School, part of the Campbell institution I had been a part of for just shy of 1/3 of my life. Things were about to change and I wasn't sure where I would be come May.

Not too soon after that a person very important to me exited my life and my heart broke in one of those ways that felt hopeless. That week I was traveling around North Carolina and up to Maryland for job interviews and I couldn't seem to stop crying in the car, even on the way to an interview in Baltimore.

As the months continued, I interviewed for a variety of jobs. The ones I really wanted to get were the ones I didn't get. Finally I chose a ministry position that I thought would be great. So I dealt with the emotions that came with being hooded by the Divinity School, walking at graduation, and seeing that Master of Divinity with Languages degree in my new Campbell diploma frame.

Shortly after that I said goodbye to a lot of people and moved to another town; my first job out of college. I moved into an apartment and I began to really embrace the town as my own. I started my job, it didn't work out, and I chose to resign and return back home.

I came home and frantically searched for a job, but it wasn't so easy. I finally landed a spot at one of my old stomping grounds: Bojangles. The humbling feelings that go along with that are vast. I soon turned 26 and found myself living at home with my parents and working in fast food. Sure, I had a masters degree, but that didn't seem to help the employment search.

I find myself working at Bojangles, trying to hide my face from fellow divinity school students. I don't want people to know that I just graduated and already am back home.

Each time that I have wanted to call myself a loser, God placed on my heart that I am not a loser because of who I am in Jesus Christ. The only thing that keeps me from giving in to thinking I've ruined my life is that Jesus Christ is my Savior. God's grace is so vast that it even covers every stupid mistake I have made over the past four years.

I am seeing ways God is working in my life, in spite of what I've done. My mom and I had a talk today and talked about how life never turns out the way people would like. That doesn't mean life is bad, but that sometimes reality is a bit different than our dreams.

Most people know Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A friend loaned me a book called "Why God?" It's a text diving into the subject of bad things happening to godly and innocent people. I don't ask God why he let me make mistakes, I ask how I could have been so stupid. God didn't do this to me, I did it to myself. So, did I forfeit the great plans God had in mind? I'm going to say no.

God is an omniscient God; he knew I would mess up. He didn't approve of it, but he knew it was going to happen and I believe he never once wrote me off as a hopeless case. In fact, if we look at the Old Testament we see God's faithfulness to his chosen people, Israel. We see him lead them, punish them for their sin, and then forgive them...over and over again. The whole time he never stopped leading them and loving them.

I really like the verses that follow Jeremiah 29:11. Verses 12-13 say, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." God was telling Israel that he was going to forgive them, that he still had plans for them, and that he was still there for them. In verse 14 God tells Israel that they will find him again and that he will bring them back from exile. I believe the ties to us today are evident.

I feel that God is leading me to seek him more. I'm a stubborn person and it took bringing me to my knees to cause me to remember that God is my supplier. Of course I knew it before, but I know it more now.

I wish I was better at trusting God, but do we ever get to the point of where we should be? I know God will make good of the wrong that I have done; I know that he already is.

John 16:33 tells us that we will have trouble in this world, which includes trouble of our own making. But Jesus also says that he has overcome the world, and that means he has overcome my sin.

There is a sun on the horizon and God is beckoning me to it. The Bible says darkness lasts for a night, but joy comes with the morning. The rays of the sun are shining.