The Past Six Months

The last half year has been an emotional one. Last February I found myself in my last semester at Campbell University Divinity School, part of the Campbell institution I had been a part of for just shy of 1/3 of my life. Things were about to change and I wasn't sure where I would be come May.

Not too soon after that a person very important to me exited my life and my heart broke in one of those ways that felt hopeless. That week I was traveling around North Carolina and up to Maryland for job interviews and I couldn't seem to stop crying in the car, even on the way to an interview in Baltimore.

As the months continued, I interviewed for a variety of jobs. The ones I really wanted to get were the ones I didn't get. Finally I chose a ministry position that I thought would be great. So I dealt with the emotions that came with being hooded by the Divinity School, walking at graduation, and seeing that Master of Divinity with Languages degree in my new Campbell diploma frame.

Shortly after that I said goodbye to a lot of people and moved to another town; my first job out of college. I moved into an apartment and I began to really embrace the town as my own. I started my job, it didn't work out, and I chose to resign and return back home.

I came home and frantically searched for a job, but it wasn't so easy. I finally landed a spot at one of my old stomping grounds: Bojangles. The humbling feelings that go along with that are vast. I soon turned 26 and found myself living at home with my parents and working in fast food. Sure, I had a masters degree, but that didn't seem to help the employment search.

I find myself working at Bojangles, trying to hide my face from fellow divinity school students. I don't want people to know that I just graduated and already am back home.

Each time that I have wanted to call myself a loser, God placed on my heart that I am not a loser because of who I am in Jesus Christ. The only thing that keeps me from giving in to thinking I've ruined my life is that Jesus Christ is my Savior. God's grace is so vast that it even covers every stupid mistake I have made over the past four years.

I am seeing ways God is working in my life, in spite of what I've done. My mom and I had a talk today and talked about how life never turns out the way people would like. That doesn't mean life is bad, but that sometimes reality is a bit different than our dreams.

Most people know Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A friend loaned me a book called "Why God?" It's a text diving into the subject of bad things happening to godly and innocent people. I don't ask God why he let me make mistakes, I ask how I could have been so stupid. God didn't do this to me, I did it to myself. So, did I forfeit the great plans God had in mind? I'm going to say no.

God is an omniscient God; he knew I would mess up. He didn't approve of it, but he knew it was going to happen and I believe he never once wrote me off as a hopeless case. In fact, if we look at the Old Testament we see God's faithfulness to his chosen people, Israel. We see him lead them, punish them for their sin, and then forgive them...over and over again. The whole time he never stopped leading them and loving them.

I really like the verses that follow Jeremiah 29:11. Verses 12-13 say, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." God was telling Israel that he was going to forgive them, that he still had plans for them, and that he was still there for them. In verse 14 God tells Israel that they will find him again and that he will bring them back from exile. I believe the ties to us today are evident.

I feel that God is leading me to seek him more. I'm a stubborn person and it took bringing me to my knees to cause me to remember that God is my supplier. Of course I knew it before, but I know it more now.

I wish I was better at trusting God, but do we ever get to the point of where we should be? I know God will make good of the wrong that I have done; I know that he already is.

John 16:33 tells us that we will have trouble in this world, which includes trouble of our own making. But Jesus also says that he has overcome the world, and that means he has overcome my sin.

There is a sun on the horizon and God is beckoning me to it. The Bible says darkness lasts for a night, but joy comes with the morning. The rays of the sun are shining.

A Dream Deferred Is Not A Dream Denied

A smart friend once said that. Actually he wrote it as a theme in his senior synthesis paper from divinity school.

I really feel that I want to do missions. I want to spend some years abroad, but spend most of my life in domestic missions. I want to be able to go where God calls me and service in a variety of contexts with a diversity of people.

And then there's my own mistakes. On one hand I want to start doing missions now, on the other hand I want to make money quickly so I can pay off my debt and be able to afford a missionary's lifestyle. I'm not about having money, but right now much of me is about paying off my debt.

It's interesting how different our lives as Christians are. I am looking forward to the day when I will not be making a lot of money.

I have two interviews in Raleigh tomorrow with marketing firms. I believe these interviews are stops on my life path. That is not necessarily a bad thing.

God has a definite plan for me. Thankfully his grace allows for my mistakes and I know that in spite of those mistakes God still carries out his plan and his goodness, in my life and the lives of others.

Yes, my dream of being a vocational missionary may be deferred for now, but it is not denied. And if I am honest with myself, there are plenty of ways to be a missionary now, they're just not what I planned. But God has long been in the business of showing that his plans are better than man's.

Twitterpated

I was considering no longer posting my blogs on myspace and sticking to blogspot, but it's interesting to get comments from two different audiences, so I'll keep with it.

Also, I started using Twitter. I'm not sure how this is all that much better than a Facebook status or an AIM away message, but I decided to try it. Check it out: twitter.com/rebeccalee726

On the Topic of Debt

I kind of think President Bush and I have some things in common. For starters, we both had great ideas, but we failed to manage them appropriately.

Eight years ago I was a newly-turned 18-year-old about to embark on my college career. I had a scholarship and ambition and I knew I was smart. Not just in that 'I can do college' kind of way, but smart in the 'I am going to do amazing things' kind of way.

My dreams didn't materialize the way I planned. I put more emphasis into hanging out with friends than studying, so my grades were average. This trend continued through divinity school. I never accomplished what I wanted to with my grades.

Good thing a life is not defined by a GPA. I discovered my love for urban ministry and I found a new passion for ministry. But I had also discovered the excitement of spending money. Although I was always far from poor, I never grew up being able to spend money at will. So, 4 years ago when I discovered that student loan money could be used for anything (regardless of the ethical implications of that, just the fact that it was able to be used for anything) I went a little crazy. I could buy things, I could have more of the things that I wanted.

I knew I would have to pay the money back but even $25,000 a year was more than I had ever made. Surely if I was surviving on part-time jobs with the bills I already had, I could pay larger bills with a larger paycheck. So I continued to make financial mistakes.

I am out of school now and I have immense debt. Most of the debt is for school, but an irrationally large chuck of it is because I made really bad mistakes. I'm with my parents while I desperately search for a job, even if it's not what I want to do with my life.

I am convinced that I will one day be able to do what I want to do. And although my life has taken a different turn than I expected, I believe that I can fulfill God's will right now, even when I'm not living in the inner city. I believe his will for me is to always grow closer to him, and for now, to work my way out of debt. I'm 26, this can be done. I can be out of debt and I can show people that I made really dumb decisions, decisions that had consequences, but trust in God and hard work was what got me out of the mess. Until someone chooses to refuse a life of financial dependence and debt, they cannot change the cycle for children and grandchildren.

I don't believe that God wanted me to go in debt so I could one day help other people. I believe that I made stupid choices, but God is still going to work in my life in spite of them.

So, about the Bush thing. No, I didn't lead a nation to war, but I strained family relationships. No, I didn't make decisions that plummeted my approval rating, but I have let myself and others down. No, I didn't make decisions that had world-wide impact, but my decisions are severely impacting my world.

I believe Bush was striving for good. We know that other candidates, even Democrats, approved of the war at first. But I also believe there was mismanagement. Likewise, I believe that I wanted to make good choices, but I ended up mismanaging what was available to me.

It is my prayer that I work harder to be a good steward of everything God has given me.