What Do I Know?

I'm going to be brutally honest here: I don't know what I'm doing.

I go between confidence in God's plan and depression. I know it's not always great to be so emotionally vulnerable, but I express myself in writing. Some people express themselves in dancing (I tapped for years and am not sure I exactly get that....to me, it's just fun).

The truth is, I don't know what to do. I don't mean this in the "I have a lot of options and I just don't know which one God would have me do" way. I don't even mean it in the, "I am not sure what I want to do, so I think I'll just take some time off for a while and just chill" kind of way. I mean it in the "I really, really messed up. I messed up so much that I gave up a great job because I couldn't afford to keep it. Now I'm back home and no one cares that I have a PR degree. Nobody is impressed with my efforts. I can't land a good job and I am facing the prospect of juggling part-time jobs at a coffee shop and a bookstore."

Right now I'm working in fast food. You wanna talk about humbling? Have the Assistant Dean, who was in your exit interview from divinity school, come through your drive-thru. Serve chicken to a few divinity school students who are already involved in sucessful ministries.

Some days I go into work and I want to cry. One day I did. It's a lonely thing because no one else I know is in the same spot. I read about old friends buying houses and looking forward to the weekend because they will have a break from work. I want a job where I look forward to the weekend.

People ask me if I found any jobs and after I reply "no" they smile and tell me that "something will come along" or "this is happening for a reason." I get tired of those answers. I should have tried harder. I should have been smarter.

I feel rather alone right now. My poor parents get the brunt of it. I go from being exceptionally high-spirited and optimistic to being edgy and despondent.

I don't even know what I want anymore. Not for now, anyway. Eventually I want to be back in the city. I want to live simply and work for biblical social justice....but let's face it, I can't even give up trips to Starbucks. What do I know about living simply?