Wednesday, November 26, 2008

A Plethora

I had wanted to write this before now, but I didn't get around to it. So I compose this at this time in my life when the lesson seems even a little more real.

I have questioned how non-believers do it. How can they deal with the pain in life without knowing there is the providence of an almighty God that orchestrates our lives, even in the midst of trial? I do not know how I could survive without that hope.

I had wanted to write about how past situations did not work out as planned but it was phenomenal how they had all culminated into something better. And yet, as I sit here writing, I realize that that culmination may have been a temporary one. Or maybe not...it's all a part of trusting God's plan.

One of the girls I had connected with in Chicago added me as a friend on Facebook the other day. I don't know how she found me, but there is something sacred in the desire of a child to stay in touch with a person who was in their lives, even if only briefly.

As I am in the editing process of my CPE application, I have had to reflect on my life story and my faith development. At first it seemed a daunting task, but as I took to the keyboard, the words flowed and essays developed that showed the rich tapestry of God's work in my life.

In the past few years I have often compared myself to the Israelites. How often we look at them and think they were ridiculous in their often wayward trust in God. Yet, we have the whole story of that time in history and we see the end of the story where God did not abandon them, even after they wavered in the strength of their faith and devotion to him and questioned him like crazy. How much like an Israelite am I! I question and struggle and God pulls me through, only for me to question and struggle again. Again and again I wonder how God could let such and such happen. It was in recounting my personal faith journey over my twenty-six years that I began to see more of the continuous story in hindsight.

Allow me the opportunity to indulge myself in some contemporary country pop culture. Trace Adkins sings a song, "You're Gonna Miss This." Last May, as a I drove away from the house of the children that I had baby-sat for the past year and a half, thinking it was my last time watching them since I was moving to Reidsville, that song came on. I cried.

But I was able to return. We never know when God will give us the blessing of returning. Sometimes leaving isn't permanent.

There are many life opportunities that we all miss, but cherish deeply. Here are a few of mine:

~playing scrabble with the residents at My Brother's Keeper in Waco, Texas
~praise and worship nights at Campus Crusade
~feeling the prick of tears when 'The Servant Song' was sung as my divinity school experience was coming to a close
~having my writing class hear my fictitious obituary in which at 93 I took bullets to the chest to save two young school girls (I am very creative!)
~meeting him in person for the first time, neither of us quite able to look each other in the eyes yet, and then he grabbed my hand and I could hardly form a thought

Those are just a few memories, though many inconsequential in the big scheme of things, that have formed a tapestry for my life. They are a somewhat random collection of the little things God has allowed me to experience.

I have known for a long time that when I give my heart and devotion, I give it strongly. I am a fierce fan of loyalty as I have seen my father demonstrate it time and time again and has unknowingly taught me to be the same way. Though I am often a jerk, I come back to the place and people where loyalty is real.

Matters of the heart are difficult because they are the core of who you are. For most of my life others have had a strong directing in the matters of my heart. I would offer it, it would be given back, and I would cling to what I did not have. There has been the unconditional love of family and friends that I will always cherish. There is the unconditional love of God that I daily struggle to comprehend, though I can never fully comprehend it.

God gives us free will. I have questioned how the free will of others can affect our ability to exercise our own desires.

This is a place of hurt right now; a valley. Less than a year ago I was a full-time student, working three part-time jobs, leading a youth group, and driving like crazy to different job interviews as I struggled to understand the life transition from 8 years at Campbell to a new phase in life.

Now, not quite a year later, I am still in transition mode. I suppose in this life we are always in transition mode from one season to another. I have no clue what's next. I have no clue what people will be the most influential to me in this next part of life. I have my hopes, but I have to surrender them to God, even when that scares me. But after all, I should learn something from my comparison to the Israelites of the Exodus.

And the crazy thing is, I may look back on this time one day and realize that I do, in fact, miss it. Not every part, but some parts. Since I am such a relational person I know that even in the midst of the circumstances, I will always love those who were a part of my life story, even in this. It is my prayer that they continue to be a part of it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A Request From a Republican

This election has been going on for a very long time; long enough for people to get really fired up about their candidate. Since the results came in I have seen many responses from many different people.

Conflict comes when people deeply care about an issue but see the solution in different ways. I did not vote based on not wanting the poor to be taken care of or not being the "right kind of" Christian. Rather, I saw my vote as what would be best for our nation.

Fellow McCain voters, we need to take the time to work through our frustration and dissapointment and embrace what lies ahead.

Those who voted for Obama, if he had lost you would be frustrated and maybe a little hurt too. This process has been too long for the feelings of the McCain supporters to go away overnight. To those of you who have used such tactics, please stop putting Christians in quotations or throwing us Bible passages. We are human, we must process.

At the same time, fellow Republicans and/or McCain supporters, please stop throwing Bible passages at those who support Obama. Why are we using the Bible as a tool of combat for politics? We believe and obey the Bible, but lately our usuage of the Bible has been to make our own points and the Bible wasn't written so we could use it to push our own agenda....unless our agenda is completely God's agenda with no man-made interference and I don't see how any human being can claim that.

Obama supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Democrat because of the poor.

McCain supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Republican because of the unborn.

It is a Christian duty to care and act on both of these issues- and tons more- in a godly and self-sacrificing way. A vote can be a start, but that does not mean either vote is the best or only way to fulfill one's calling as a Christian.

In heated times such as these we all say things before thinking; myself included a million times over.As much forgiveness and compassion as we expect from other people we must be willing to show ourselves.

I do not fault people for being so emotionally involved in politics....because I know I am. I know I have said things that aren't the most diplomatic or polite out of frustration.

At the same time, no one should expect either side to heal from this division overnight.If it takes me a while to process and accept this whole ordeal, I ask you for that time.

If I fail to show compassion and express hope, I ask you to point that out.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Know, I Know.....Obama Won

Obama is about to take the stage. I'm a competitive person, so it is with frustration that I see this happen.

Let me explain. I used to be quite the Obama supporter. Back in the Spring 2007 semester that I spent in Chicago I was an ardent fan of this potential president, now turned president elect.

But then I wasn't ok with much of what Obama said and did.

Please understand that I do not come from a monetarily wealthy family. I'm working two part-time jobs, one for minimum wage. I have debt. I have health insurance that is so bad that I went to an appointment and the counselor suggested we bypass the insurance and use a sliding pay scale, which would limit the amount of visits I could have. And yet, still my insurance costs went up- even with no medical issues or hardly even using the insurance.

Oh yes, I understand the plight of those who just want health care.

I also understand the pleas of sincere, progressive Christians insisting it is our duty to take care of the poor. But for every minute you spend telling me that it is my duty to vote with the poor in mind, please spend ten times as many minutes coming to my church telling me why it is important that we make caring for the poor personal and a true job of the church. Let us not shrug off our God-given responsibility of the church onto the government. I believe the church and the government should care for the poor, but I have a problem when people seem to think marking a ballot is fulfilling their duty to care for the poor.

I can do more as a Republican dedicating my life to ministry to and with the marginalized than voting democrat and returning to my suburban middle class cul-de-sac.

Oh, I know, not everyone is like that. There are amazing ministers- lay and clergy- voting democrat who deeply care for the poor. I'm just making some comments on how we seem to look to Obama as some kind of savior.

So, I ask....how do I approach this in the right way? How do I live without annoyance, without ridicule in my mind toward those who really believe Obama can work miracles without raising taxes, and without the quiet hope that soon people will see past his smooth-talking rhetoric to a mere human like the rest of us?

There, I just showed my weakness. I ask how I can get past those things and I still try to get one last jab in.

There are a million reasons why my current financial state would lend many to think I would vote democrat, but I don't. I made my mistakes, I've sought forgiveness, I'm trying my best to trust God and work hard to get out of this mess. I wish that other people had a similar work ethic, but I can't make anyone take pride in what they do. But I guess the government can make me contribute to financially supporting them.

Ok, I know there are plenty of people who really do need help, but there are too many people manipulating the system at the expense of people paying for it for me to feel completely good about taxes in the hands of democrats.

Maybe that's a failure in my thinking, maybe I'm wrong in that. Maybe I've lost some of the compassion I had from my inner-city experiences....I don't know.

I do know that as I see Obama take the stage just now that there is something about him I don't trust.

But as I complain people see Obama as being some kind of savior, maybe I've been guilty of treating the idea of someone other than Obama in office as a kind of savior.

So, I'm going to stop treating politics like the answer to the world's problems. A man-made institution can never solve man-made problems.

It's time to more strongly live what I believe.