Those Questions

I'm struggling with a lot of things right now. Most of you know I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and I decided a long time ago I have no reason to hide that. Not that I want to go out in the streets with a sign declaring my disorder, but I figure those that read my blog know me pretty well enough that they either already know or won't care (won't care in a good way).

If you know about my OCD you know how it is intertwined with my faith. For the past eight years I have struggled with scrupulous OCD and before that it was just regular counting stuff, which I much prefer. I mean, OCD isn't just "Did I turn out that light?" During a period in high school I went through the compulsion of getting in and out of bed in the morning and one morning did it 98 times. OCD is very real.

Anyhow, I am again questioning things with my faith and salvation. I read this book and it totally threw me for a loop. It's by a Christian author and is fiction, but I didn't know what to do with what I read. I still struggle with it. I don't know that anyone can quite understand.I know I need to bathe this situation in prayer. That's so hard when you wonder if you have a relationship with God at all. I have asked Jesus into my heart many times, I desire to live for Christ, and I want Christ to be Lord of my life.

But just as people with regular OCD feel the compulsion to check things such as lights and stoves, I feel compelled to "check" the status of my salvation....something that isn't tangible but is a promise from God beleived in faith.I sometimes hate sharing this because I think people will look at me and be like, "Ok, that girl is not a Christian or she would not question." But I have never had anyone I've told about this tell me that. I've gotten encouragement.

In fact today I asked God how I would know his voice. You know what happened? A verse from John came to mind. Not the whole verse, but the point of it. "My sheep know my voice." I thought, "God, is that you?"

These questions seem so unfounded to some people and close friends probably get sick of hearing my worries. It's a real thing for me. If you're dealing with the loss of a job or an addiction then it seems like it would be so much easier to trust God. But when you question if you even have a relationship with God it makes it harder to pray about things because the status of your relationship with God is a question in the back of your mind.

I am not saying I have it harder than anyone else, but I am saying that I don't quite know what to do with my thoughts. Sometimes I can't seem to stop thinking about them. This book just raised a lot of questions about having a relationship with God and salvation. Please pray for me. These worries are nothing new, but the angle in which I see perceive the worries is new.

Then there are my questions about certain passages of Scripture. Hebrews 4:6-4 is a particular passage that troubles me because of something I once said to God. I've talked to my pastor and New Testament professor about this concern and they both gave me the same encouragement and interpretation of the text.

I feel the pressure of my internship right now. Each day my love for these kids grows and I don't know what to do when it's time to go. I feel like I lack in so many areas and that I can't please some people, but I guess this internship isn't about pleasing people.

There are so many other things I could say, but I've rattled my thoughts off on this blog enough for now.