Warning: Do not read if you don't want to hear about me being sick!
Alright, so a couple weeks ago was pretty rough. I had gotten off from an on-call at the hospital on a Thursday and drove back to Harnett County. I stopped to get my nails done since I was headed to Ohio that night to be in the wedding of a good friend.
I was driving down a road I had driven tons of times and came to an intersection I have crossed just as many times. I was distracted somehow because I ran the stop sign and that's when I saw the truck. I tried my best to stop, but I didn't have time and I ran into the side of the other vehicle. My little Aveo stopped where it was, but I hit the side of the bed of the truck so the other vehicle went spinning. I sat there thinking, "Did that really just happen?" My car was still running, so I just turned off the ignition.
I sat there in disbelief for a bit and then got out and went to see if the other guy was alright. He asked me the same and then we started making phone calls. The fire department, paramedics, and police arrived. And, thankfully, my mom did too!
Thankfully, the other driver is fine.
By the time the police took the report, I talked to the paramedics, and got stuff out of my car that was going to be towed, I had gotten a really bad sunburn (as is evidenced by the Facebook pictures from the wedding!). And trust me, the wedding guests commented repeatedly that I had gotten too much sun.
My parents knew half the people who responded to the scene and go to church with quite a few of them. They asked my parents how I was that next Sunday. (Although, they may think my parents have the dumb daughter who ran into a vounteer firefighter's car!) While still at the scene, I noticed that I was feeling a little sore, so mom and I went to a local urgent care where they took x-rays. I was exhausted from the on-call and lack of sleep even prior to that, and I almost fell asleep right on the x-ray table! I had a neck spasm (where my neck was straight and I didn't have the natural curve, but the doctor said that would fix itself in time). I got some prescriptions and that night I was off to Ohio with a friend and fellow bridesmaid.
Were that the only thing, the weekend may have been different. However, I had woken up with a slight sore throat that morning. 'No big deal' I figured, but the sore throat began to get worse and worse. It got so bad that the night before the wedding some of us bridesmaids and the bride were gonna go to Starbucks and I decided to stay in the hotel room. If you know me at all, I'm not one to pass up Starbucks!
I had chills and felt horrible. My throat hurt so bad that I started taking the painkillers from the accident for my throat.
The next day a few of us went to get our hair done. Now, I had taken two of the percocets in the past 24 hours and they were knocking me out! I started dozing off in the salon chair and I also began to feel really sick and had to run to the bathroom in case I threw up right there. I'm almost positive the salon staff thought I was hung over. No- just totaled my car and was really sick. I did, however, throw up in the parking lot. I took more painkillers and they knocked me out so bad that I was sitting at a computer and kept dozing off while on Facebook. I laid down in the bed and was texting a friend and kept falling asleep and getting startled when my cell phone made a noise to alert me that a text came through. I was having trouble typing on my phone. Finally I went to sleep!
At the wedding reception I could barely eat the food and I began to feel worse and worse. On the ride home from Ohio to North Carolina I slept for all but an hour or less.
That night I decided that I really did need to go to the emergency room. I got really sick in the parking lot and was on my hands and knees trying to throw up, but I couldn't because I hadn't eaten anything that day for fear of getting sick. After waiting a bit I went back and found out I had a throat infection (the paper said it was acute tonsilitis) and they hooked me up to an IV and gave me steroids and antibiotics. I was hooked up to the IV for over an hour and finally went home with some more prescriptions. Eventually my throat got better.
After two days off of work I began to feel a lot better. My poor little Aveo (which I had named 'The Laura Ingalls') was totaled. The funny thing is, the engine would still run! I asked the man at the collision center if he could get my cd out of the cd player and the car cranked right up!
Since the car was new and still under warranty, I got a good amount for it from the insurance company and it won't take long to pay the rest off.
My health insurance? Well, that turned out to be horrible and I have a giant medical bill, but hey- it could be worse.
So, that's how I totaled my car and got a throat infection at about the same time.
Thankfully, I'm feeling better now!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
A Year Already
The Bible talks about not knowing what the future will bring. God knows, but we don't.
The last year of my life- whoa.
It's been a year I was hooded, attended baccalaureate, and walked across the stage at graduation to receive my MDiv. I went through so many emotions and it was such a sacred time. I was taking a job with the Salvation Army and life was gonna move ahead.
Then things changed. The past year has been one of the biggest years for growth that I have ever had. I have experienced so much. The thing is, I didn't expect about 99% of it, and yet God has been faithful.
A look at the past year:
~I started my first "real" career job. I moved into my own apartment. I never struggled with depression but it hit me hard. Financially I couldn't make it, I felt a lack of community, I didn't even want to get up and go to work in the mornings. I moved back home within a month and a half.
~The economy was bad, couldn't get a desk job so I rejoined the Bojangles team I had worked with my last semester of divinity school to pay my unexpected new car bills. Only this time I had my degree and was still working fast food. So many people I knew came through- including the assistant dean of the divinity school who was in my exit interview. Humiliating and yet I found a great deal of fellowship with my co-workers. Suprisingly, I was able to make it fun sometimes.
~I stood as a bridesmaid and watched my only sibling get married.
~I had my first real dating relationship. I fell head over heels for him and watched him walk away. Contrary to what I felt at the time, I survived the heartache.
~I have, at times, felt incredibly far from God and yet have also experienced his faithfulness and renewal in new ways.
~I visited my grandmother in the NICU at WakeMed, having no idea I'd be visiting that unit as a chaplain several months later. As a chaplain I have done things I never thought I'd do and I have loved it.
~I've lost about 37 pounds
~I was offered a great job, then it was taken away. I was incredibly upset. Then something better came along and I have a great job now. I love my co-workers, the management team, and the kids. I'm defintely looking forward to working there this summer without the crazy schedule I've had since I started.
~Speaking of jobs, I was so scared about CPE. No guarentee of a residency, and yet I got one.
~I have been so exhausted that I felt like I could be sick. I have cried to God in my car, expressing how tired and worn out I was. These past few months have been more demanding than any other point in my life.
~I have been impatient and short-tempered with those closest to me. I let my anger get the best of me sometimes and yet I feel these relationships are on the mend.
~I have grown so much in my "real world" (not a huge fan of that phrase) experience and have gotten a better hold of finances, but I still have a long way to go.
You know, as I write these things I realize that a blog cannot capture everything I have experienced, learned, and loved this past year. I have gone from feeling like I ruined my life to thanking God for incredible days. Those reading this may not think these experiences are that big of a deal, but I feel that I have grown so much in the past year.
So, no, I can't capture the past 365 days in a blog post. But trust me, God's mercies are new every morning- even when the morning doesn't seem to come for months.
The last year of my life- whoa.
It's been a year I was hooded, attended baccalaureate, and walked across the stage at graduation to receive my MDiv. I went through so many emotions and it was such a sacred time. I was taking a job with the Salvation Army and life was gonna move ahead.
Then things changed. The past year has been one of the biggest years for growth that I have ever had. I have experienced so much. The thing is, I didn't expect about 99% of it, and yet God has been faithful.
A look at the past year:
~I started my first "real" career job. I moved into my own apartment. I never struggled with depression but it hit me hard. Financially I couldn't make it, I felt a lack of community, I didn't even want to get up and go to work in the mornings. I moved back home within a month and a half.
~The economy was bad, couldn't get a desk job so I rejoined the Bojangles team I had worked with my last semester of divinity school to pay my unexpected new car bills. Only this time I had my degree and was still working fast food. So many people I knew came through- including the assistant dean of the divinity school who was in my exit interview. Humiliating and yet I found a great deal of fellowship with my co-workers. Suprisingly, I was able to make it fun sometimes.
~I stood as a bridesmaid and watched my only sibling get married.
~I had my first real dating relationship. I fell head over heels for him and watched him walk away. Contrary to what I felt at the time, I survived the heartache.
~I have, at times, felt incredibly far from God and yet have also experienced his faithfulness and renewal in new ways.
~I visited my grandmother in the NICU at WakeMed, having no idea I'd be visiting that unit as a chaplain several months later. As a chaplain I have done things I never thought I'd do and I have loved it.
~I've lost about 37 pounds
~I was offered a great job, then it was taken away. I was incredibly upset. Then something better came along and I have a great job now. I love my co-workers, the management team, and the kids. I'm defintely looking forward to working there this summer without the crazy schedule I've had since I started.
~Speaking of jobs, I was so scared about CPE. No guarentee of a residency, and yet I got one.
~I have been so exhausted that I felt like I could be sick. I have cried to God in my car, expressing how tired and worn out I was. These past few months have been more demanding than any other point in my life.
~I have been impatient and short-tempered with those closest to me. I let my anger get the best of me sometimes and yet I feel these relationships are on the mend.
~I have grown so much in my "real world" (not a huge fan of that phrase) experience and have gotten a better hold of finances, but I still have a long way to go.
You know, as I write these things I realize that a blog cannot capture everything I have experienced, learned, and loved this past year. I have gone from feeling like I ruined my life to thanking God for incredible days. Those reading this may not think these experiences are that big of a deal, but I feel that I have grown so much in the past year.
So, no, I can't capture the past 365 days in a blog post. But trust me, God's mercies are new every morning- even when the morning doesn't seem to come for months.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Looking Forward
When I was in seminary I went to a lecture taught by one of my professors on the theology found in U2's songs, particularly the doctrine of unrealized eschatology. Using U2's song, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" he explained the concept of "not quite yet." Although we have the promise of God, we do not fully experience all that God is until the perfection of heaven. For now, we are limited in what we see and know, but we have the promise of experiencing the fullness of God one day.
On a much, much smaller and less significant scale I have been able to apply this to other areas of my life. I was there, vacuum-sweeping the floor of Bojangles and even as my career seemed hopeless, there were those moments of hope and expectation when I knew something better was coming. I can also recount the agonizing days of heartbreak from a broken relationship. While it often felt as if my heart would never heal, there were those moments of hope and excitement in which I could actually anticipate moving on. In the same way, I live this life with the hope and expectation of the day when my relationship with God is a fully realized reality.
I have found the past year of my life to be very difficult. If 2008 was the year of humbling, 2009 is the year of restoration.
I think how in the midst of severe pain and frustration I had moments of hoping toward something better in terms of my professional and personal life. If that be the case, how stronger the hope of unrealized eschatology in my spiritual life. I don't always "feel" God beside me. And I have learned that is ok. I don't have to "feel" to know. And when I don't feel as if he's close, I remind myself that my experience of God is somewhat limited for now and the full reality of his presence is still to come.
So, just as I looked toward the days of the realization of hope in other areas of my life, I look toward the day of the full realization of my spiritual hope. Because if there is one thing I've learned lately, it's that my relationship with God must dictate who I am and what I choose to do.
Not experiencing fullness now is often very difficult. But, faith that keeps us pressing towards what we will experience fully one day is faith worth sustaining.
On a much, much smaller and less significant scale I have been able to apply this to other areas of my life. I was there, vacuum-sweeping the floor of Bojangles and even as my career seemed hopeless, there were those moments of hope and expectation when I knew something better was coming. I can also recount the agonizing days of heartbreak from a broken relationship. While it often felt as if my heart would never heal, there were those moments of hope and excitement in which I could actually anticipate moving on. In the same way, I live this life with the hope and expectation of the day when my relationship with God is a fully realized reality.
I have found the past year of my life to be very difficult. If 2008 was the year of humbling, 2009 is the year of restoration.
I think how in the midst of severe pain and frustration I had moments of hoping toward something better in terms of my professional and personal life. If that be the case, how stronger the hope of unrealized eschatology in my spiritual life. I don't always "feel" God beside me. And I have learned that is ok. I don't have to "feel" to know. And when I don't feel as if he's close, I remind myself that my experience of God is somewhat limited for now and the full reality of his presence is still to come.
So, just as I looked toward the days of the realization of hope in other areas of my life, I look toward the day of the full realization of my spiritual hope. Because if there is one thing I've learned lately, it's that my relationship with God must dictate who I am and what I choose to do.
Not experiencing fullness now is often very difficult. But, faith that keeps us pressing towards what we will experience fully one day is faith worth sustaining.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Love
Over the past couple months I have thought a lot about love. Not just romantic love, but the love we have for our family, friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ.
My thoughts took me back to 1 Corinthians 13. Often read at weddings, this is the "love passage." This passage gives a long list of love's attributes. Although I had read it many times, I found myself wondering if Paul mentioned anywhere in the passage that love is easy.
So, I got out my Bible and took a look. Nope, nowhere in the entire chapter does Paul say love is simple or easy. So, how does Paul describe love?
The first adjective he uses is patient. Oh, great. I am not a patient person at all, just take a look at my driving. I imagine patience is a hard thing for most people in our "I want it now" society. There you go, one adjective in and it's already a struggle. Paul then goes on to list other things love is and some of them seem incredibly difficult. Love isn't easily angered? Hmmm.....again, back to that driving history.
I also got to thinking about love for self. If we are to love others as we love ourselves, we have to know how to love ourselves in a healthy way. So, when Paul tells us that love keeps no record of wrongs, what does that mean for forgiving ourselves? I believe we should always learn from our mistakes, but if love means not keeping a record of wrongs and we need to love ourselves so we can love others in the same way, we have to come to the point where we can forgive ourselves. Then we can forgive others and, in love, keep no record of their wrongs just as we have done with ourselves.
And yet, to demonstrate the love Paul describes seems incredibly difficult, even as a Christian. So, how do we even begin to live this love? I think it goes back to the message in Philippians 2:5. "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus" (NIV).
Our attitude determines so much of how we live our lives. Our attitude affects our hearts and our minds. It makes or breaks our day. It can restore or destroy our relationships. When we think of surrending our entire hearts, minds, bodies, and souls to Christ, we must also consider attitude.
Yes, the love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 is the natural nature of God. Yet, Paul knew enough not to say it was natural for humans. The only way to even begin to live a life of this love is to focus on making our attitude the same as Christ Jesus.
In focusing on Jesus Christ as the example of what our attitude should be, we cease to look at ourselves and our seemingly lack of capacity to achieve this kind of love, and instead focus on our Savior. Then, when we are focusing on him, we find that love becomes more natural. Focusing on Christ is the only way to acheive a 1 Corinthians 13 love.
May we live a life of love every day.
My thoughts took me back to 1 Corinthians 13. Often read at weddings, this is the "love passage." This passage gives a long list of love's attributes. Although I had read it many times, I found myself wondering if Paul mentioned anywhere in the passage that love is easy.
So, I got out my Bible and took a look. Nope, nowhere in the entire chapter does Paul say love is simple or easy. So, how does Paul describe love?
The first adjective he uses is patient. Oh, great. I am not a patient person at all, just take a look at my driving. I imagine patience is a hard thing for most people in our "I want it now" society. There you go, one adjective in and it's already a struggle. Paul then goes on to list other things love is and some of them seem incredibly difficult. Love isn't easily angered? Hmmm.....again, back to that driving history.
I also got to thinking about love for self. If we are to love others as we love ourselves, we have to know how to love ourselves in a healthy way. So, when Paul tells us that love keeps no record of wrongs, what does that mean for forgiving ourselves? I believe we should always learn from our mistakes, but if love means not keeping a record of wrongs and we need to love ourselves so we can love others in the same way, we have to come to the point where we can forgive ourselves. Then we can forgive others and, in love, keep no record of their wrongs just as we have done with ourselves.
And yet, to demonstrate the love Paul describes seems incredibly difficult, even as a Christian. So, how do we even begin to live this love? I think it goes back to the message in Philippians 2:5. "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus" (NIV).
Our attitude determines so much of how we live our lives. Our attitude affects our hearts and our minds. It makes or breaks our day. It can restore or destroy our relationships. When we think of surrending our entire hearts, minds, bodies, and souls to Christ, we must also consider attitude.
Yes, the love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 is the natural nature of God. Yet, Paul knew enough not to say it was natural for humans. The only way to even begin to live a life of this love is to focus on making our attitude the same as Christ Jesus.
In focusing on Jesus Christ as the example of what our attitude should be, we cease to look at ourselves and our seemingly lack of capacity to achieve this kind of love, and instead focus on our Savior. Then, when we are focusing on him, we find that love becomes more natural. Focusing on Christ is the only way to acheive a 1 Corinthians 13 love.
May we live a life of love every day.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Writing Class
A little over a year ago I had to write my obituary for my Ministry of Writing class. I had a lot of fun with it because I could make up a crazy, wild story about my life. I came across it the other day and it makes me want to chuckle.
The amazing part about this story is that at 93 I could manage to throw myself in front of two school girls! And yes, in this version of my life I did marry the guy who plays Jim on The Office.
Now, my some of my life goals have changed a little from when I wrote this (such as wanting to live in all those cities!), but it still is interesting to read!
Rebecca Lee Krasinski, 93, of Chicago, died October 28, 2075 at the University of Chicago Medical Center after saving the lives of two young girls on the city’s South Side. On the morning of October 27 Rebecca sustained multiple gunshot wounds when she threw herself over the two girls as gunfire broke out on the street.
Rebecca was born July 26, 1982 to the late William and Denise (Gabriel) Frederick. She married actor John Krasinski of Boston, Massachusetts in 2011. Krasinski died on February 28, 2074.
Rebecca was a 65-year resident of the West Pullman neighborhood and founder of Breakthrough Urban Ministry’s Christian education center, commonly known as the Education Advocacy and Training (EAT) program.
Before moving to Chicago, Rebecca served as an urban minister in Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C. Rebecca held a Bachelor of Arts degree and a Master of Divinity degree from Campbell University in Buies Creek, North Carolina, and a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Urban Studies from the University of Chicago.
Rebecca was an ordained and active member of Lake Michigan Baptist Church. A strong Christian, Rebecca dedicated her life to helping those in poverty. A firm advocate of education, Rebecca founded the EAT center in 2047 as a subsidiary center of Breakthrough Urban Ministries.
Rebecca is survived by five children, Julia Lee McHogany of Chicago, Anna Beth Sandier of Lillington, NC, Brandon Michael Krasinski of Pittsburgh, PA, Sanyu Smith of East St. Louis, IL, and Jafari Krasinski of Oak Par, IL. Rebecca is also survived by fourteen grandchildren and twenty-two great-grandchildren. Rebecca was preceded in death by one brother, David John Frederick, of Charlotte, NC.
Friends and family will be received from 9:00 A.M. to 1:00 P.M. at Lake Michigan Baptist Church on November 3, 2075. A 1:00 P.M. memorial service will be held at the church.
In remembrance of Rebecca, persons may contribute to Breakthrough Urban Ministries, 3330 W. Carroll Ave, Chicago, IL 60624.
The amazing part about this story is that at 93 I could manage to throw myself in front of two school girls! And yes, in this version of my life I did marry the guy who plays Jim on The Office.
Now, my some of my life goals have changed a little from when I wrote this (such as wanting to live in all those cities!), but it still is interesting to read!
Rebecca Lee Krasinski, 93, of Chicago, died October 28, 2075 at the University of Chicago Medical Center after saving the lives of two young girls on the city’s South Side. On the morning of October 27 Rebecca sustained multiple gunshot wounds when she threw herself over the two girls as gunfire broke out on the street.
Rebecca was born July 26, 1982 to the late William and Denise (Gabriel) Frederick. She married actor John Krasinski of Boston, Massachusetts in 2011. Krasinski died on February 28, 2074.
Rebecca was a 65-year resident of the West Pullman neighborhood and founder of Breakthrough Urban Ministry’s Christian education center, commonly known as the Education Advocacy and Training (EAT) program.
Before moving to Chicago, Rebecca served as an urban minister in Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C. Rebecca held a Bachelor of Arts degree and a Master of Divinity degree from Campbell University in Buies Creek, North Carolina, and a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Urban Studies from the University of Chicago.
Rebecca was an ordained and active member of Lake Michigan Baptist Church. A strong Christian, Rebecca dedicated her life to helping those in poverty. A firm advocate of education, Rebecca founded the EAT center in 2047 as a subsidiary center of Breakthrough Urban Ministries.
Rebecca is survived by five children, Julia Lee McHogany of Chicago, Anna Beth Sandier of Lillington, NC, Brandon Michael Krasinski of Pittsburgh, PA, Sanyu Smith of East St. Louis, IL, and Jafari Krasinski of Oak Par, IL. Rebecca is also survived by fourteen grandchildren and twenty-two great-grandchildren. Rebecca was preceded in death by one brother, David John Frederick, of Charlotte, NC.
Friends and family will be received from 9:00 A.M. to 1:00 P.M. at Lake Michigan Baptist Church on November 3, 2075. A 1:00 P.M. memorial service will be held at the church.
In remembrance of Rebecca, persons may contribute to Breakthrough Urban Ministries, 3330 W. Carroll Ave, Chicago, IL 60624.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
What an Eventful Four Years!
Four years ago today I graduated from college. Now, the past four years have been rather full and exciting. There have been highs and there have been lows, and God has been faithful through all of it.
December 18, 2004 I graduated with a degree in mass communication/public relations. That night friends and I went to see the Raleigh Ringers, a professional handbell choir (it gets more random....a year later my best friend, Erin, and I went to Barnes and Noble to see the Juggling Rabbi). Three weeks later I began divinity school.
After that first semester I headed to Waco, TX. Not being well traveled in my life, I remember walking from the plane and excitedly thinking, "I'm in Texas!" That summer changed my life in so many ways and before I knew it I was back at school. After another year I found myself in West Chicago, IL, about an hour out of Chicago. Not having any clue how a summer in the suburbs made sense, I also was at a bilingual church and didn't understand roughly 50% of what was spoken. Again, that summer was fantastic. I returned to Chicago a couple more times.
I returned to school and completed another semester. Then I went to Belize with a group from the divinity school and I believe God showed me there that one of my spiritual gifts is teaching. After returning home I had four days before I left for a semester in Chicago. Again, fantastic and an incredible experience.
I came back home, began a role as a leader with my youth group at church and embarked on my last year of divinity school. That December my car died and I began working at Bojangles. I mean, seriously....last semester before a masters degree and working at Bojangles. Oh, if only I knew it would be crazier than that!
I entered my last semester going to school, working three part time jobs (ok, the other two were pretty fantastic- not like Bojangles!) and leading the youth group at my church. Around March I began driving around a few states looking for jobs and finally chose The Salvation Army in Reidsville. After I went through the incredible experience of my final chapel as a div school student, the hooding ceremony and graduation, I moved to Reidsville, NC to began a career.
And in a month and a half I moved back, having had accumulated more school debt than my salary could handle. I also was pretty miserable there. Coming home I applied for jobs like crazy and found myself back at Bojangles! What a wonderful opportunity for ministry there, though one I wish I had been a better steward of sometimes. But then I also got a job at Family Christian Stores in Cary and things were getting better.
During this time I also entered my first serious romantic relationship (oh yes, a true champion of singleness doesn't enter their first serious dating relationship until they are 26!) and it was wonderful. But that's come to a halt and yes, I'm still reeling from it.
So, here I am now. Having been accepted into the CPE internship program at WakeMed Hospital, I am weighing my options for what is the best next step in life.
I want so much to do what God wants me to do, but this learning process is quite painful at times!
So, let's see....domestic and international missions, earning a masters degree, serving in a youth leadership role in my church, starting a career and then completely changing plans, having my first serious romantic relationship, and learning more about God and faith and trying to grow closer to God through it all....I'd say it's been an eventful four years.
So, what did I do today on December 18, 2008? I interviewed for and was accepted into the program at WakeMed and I worked a shift at the bookstore.
Let's just say life is a little different than I planned. But that's ok. Not only does God have a sense of humor, but he has a plan....a really good and awesome plan, one he is guiding me on step by step.
December 18, 2004 I graduated with a degree in mass communication/public relations. That night friends and I went to see the Raleigh Ringers, a professional handbell choir (it gets more random....a year later my best friend, Erin, and I went to Barnes and Noble to see the Juggling Rabbi). Three weeks later I began divinity school.
After that first semester I headed to Waco, TX. Not being well traveled in my life, I remember walking from the plane and excitedly thinking, "I'm in Texas!" That summer changed my life in so many ways and before I knew it I was back at school. After another year I found myself in West Chicago, IL, about an hour out of Chicago. Not having any clue how a summer in the suburbs made sense, I also was at a bilingual church and didn't understand roughly 50% of what was spoken. Again, that summer was fantastic. I returned to Chicago a couple more times.
I returned to school and completed another semester. Then I went to Belize with a group from the divinity school and I believe God showed me there that one of my spiritual gifts is teaching. After returning home I had four days before I left for a semester in Chicago. Again, fantastic and an incredible experience.
I came back home, began a role as a leader with my youth group at church and embarked on my last year of divinity school. That December my car died and I began working at Bojangles. I mean, seriously....last semester before a masters degree and working at Bojangles. Oh, if only I knew it would be crazier than that!
I entered my last semester going to school, working three part time jobs (ok, the other two were pretty fantastic- not like Bojangles!) and leading the youth group at my church. Around March I began driving around a few states looking for jobs and finally chose The Salvation Army in Reidsville. After I went through the incredible experience of my final chapel as a div school student, the hooding ceremony and graduation, I moved to Reidsville, NC to began a career.
And in a month and a half I moved back, having had accumulated more school debt than my salary could handle. I also was pretty miserable there. Coming home I applied for jobs like crazy and found myself back at Bojangles! What a wonderful opportunity for ministry there, though one I wish I had been a better steward of sometimes. But then I also got a job at Family Christian Stores in Cary and things were getting better.
During this time I also entered my first serious romantic relationship (oh yes, a true champion of singleness doesn't enter their first serious dating relationship until they are 26!) and it was wonderful. But that's come to a halt and yes, I'm still reeling from it.
So, here I am now. Having been accepted into the CPE internship program at WakeMed Hospital, I am weighing my options for what is the best next step in life.
I want so much to do what God wants me to do, but this learning process is quite painful at times!
So, let's see....domestic and international missions, earning a masters degree, serving in a youth leadership role in my church, starting a career and then completely changing plans, having my first serious romantic relationship, and learning more about God and faith and trying to grow closer to God through it all....I'd say it's been an eventful four years.
So, what did I do today on December 18, 2008? I interviewed for and was accepted into the program at WakeMed and I worked a shift at the bookstore.
Let's just say life is a little different than I planned. But that's ok. Not only does God have a sense of humor, but he has a plan....a really good and awesome plan, one he is guiding me on step by step.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Social Justice and People
I didn't bring extra resources. We both wore the uniform and had the visor. On our break I took her to cash her check and then, yes, we splurged to get coffee. When I interned at non-profits there was a sense of authority in my position, a sense that I had much to give to hurting people.
But there we were, both of us in the same place. In true biblical social justice ministry we must enter into community with those around us. The only extraordinary thing I had to bring to the table was my faith, nothing much in the way of material resources. I'm sure we both had mistakes from the past that landed us there, I know I did.
Not too long after that I worked Black Friday at the bookstore. Droves of people graced our doors and the sales racked up. I scanned item after item for people who spent hundreds of dollars. I began to see why other countries detest us. I rang up all these items I would love to own, but could never afford at the time. As Americans we throw down hundreds of dollars in the name of deserving it and we don't think twice.
And I, I have been a proponent of living simply when I rarely did so. I told people that we must be concerned about poverty as I racked up more debt than anyone I know. What was the harm in paying for gas on credit so I could drive to Cary just to study? Why not use that card again to give myself a cup of Starbucks coffee. Didn't I deserve it?
I didn't live simply. I thought I lived more simply because I didn't buy massive amounts of expensive clothes or eat at fancy resteraunts, but little by little I didn't live simply at all.
So here I sit, massive debt, grasping for a career, and healing from the wounds of misunderstood relationships.
I still choose to believe that God will make a miracle story out of this. That one day these struggles will be part of the past and my life will be a living testimony to how far God brings us when we trust him. I have failed greatly in many areas, but I cling to the belief that God will make something good out of it. He never condoned the sins I've committed, but he has forgiven them.
If I am going to embrace life as an adventure I must stop looking to other people to fulfill me. I fully believe the people God brings our way very much can be part of our fulfillment in life, but if they leave, then I must have a strong enough faith that God is still my ultimate fulfillment.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in investing in people. I believe that it is ok to grieve relationships- whatever the nature of the relationship might be- because if things go wrong and it doesn't hurt, then I wonder how deeply committed we were in the first place. So when I say my ultimate fulfillment comes from God, that is not to say that there isn't a level of fulfillment in people we love.
So yes, in some ways I have failed to act on the social justice that was so important to me. In many ways I have failed to show love to the people closest to me. And, in many ways, I plan to make changes in those areas.
But there we were, both of us in the same place. In true biblical social justice ministry we must enter into community with those around us. The only extraordinary thing I had to bring to the table was my faith, nothing much in the way of material resources. I'm sure we both had mistakes from the past that landed us there, I know I did.
Not too long after that I worked Black Friday at the bookstore. Droves of people graced our doors and the sales racked up. I scanned item after item for people who spent hundreds of dollars. I began to see why other countries detest us. I rang up all these items I would love to own, but could never afford at the time. As Americans we throw down hundreds of dollars in the name of deserving it and we don't think twice.
And I, I have been a proponent of living simply when I rarely did so. I told people that we must be concerned about poverty as I racked up more debt than anyone I know. What was the harm in paying for gas on credit so I could drive to Cary just to study? Why not use that card again to give myself a cup of Starbucks coffee. Didn't I deserve it?
I didn't live simply. I thought I lived more simply because I didn't buy massive amounts of expensive clothes or eat at fancy resteraunts, but little by little I didn't live simply at all.
So here I sit, massive debt, grasping for a career, and healing from the wounds of misunderstood relationships.
I still choose to believe that God will make a miracle story out of this. That one day these struggles will be part of the past and my life will be a living testimony to how far God brings us when we trust him. I have failed greatly in many areas, but I cling to the belief that God will make something good out of it. He never condoned the sins I've committed, but he has forgiven them.
If I am going to embrace life as an adventure I must stop looking to other people to fulfill me. I fully believe the people God brings our way very much can be part of our fulfillment in life, but if they leave, then I must have a strong enough faith that God is still my ultimate fulfillment.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in investing in people. I believe that it is ok to grieve relationships- whatever the nature of the relationship might be- because if things go wrong and it doesn't hurt, then I wonder how deeply committed we were in the first place. So when I say my ultimate fulfillment comes from God, that is not to say that there isn't a level of fulfillment in people we love.
So yes, in some ways I have failed to act on the social justice that was so important to me. In many ways I have failed to show love to the people closest to me. And, in many ways, I plan to make changes in those areas.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A Plethora
I had wanted to write this before now, but I didn't get around to it. So I compose this at this time in my life when the lesson seems even a little more real.
I have questioned how non-believers do it. How can they deal with the pain in life without knowing there is the providence of an almighty God that orchestrates our lives, even in the midst of trial? I do not know how I could survive without that hope.
I had wanted to write about how past situations did not work out as planned but it was phenomenal how they had all culminated into something better. And yet, as I sit here writing, I realize that that culmination may have been a temporary one. Or maybe not...it's all a part of trusting God's plan.
One of the girls I had connected with in Chicago added me as a friend on Facebook the other day. I don't know how she found me, but there is something sacred in the desire of a child to stay in touch with a person who was in their lives, even if only briefly.
As I am in the editing process of my CPE application, I have had to reflect on my life story and my faith development. At first it seemed a daunting task, but as I took to the keyboard, the words flowed and essays developed that showed the rich tapestry of God's work in my life.
In the past few years I have often compared myself to the Israelites. How often we look at them and think they were ridiculous in their often wayward trust in God. Yet, we have the whole story of that time in history and we see the end of the story where God did not abandon them, even after they wavered in the strength of their faith and devotion to him and questioned him like crazy. How much like an Israelite am I! I question and struggle and God pulls me through, only for me to question and struggle again. Again and again I wonder how God could let such and such happen. It was in recounting my personal faith journey over my twenty-six years that I began to see more of the continuous story in hindsight.
Allow me the opportunity to indulge myself in some contemporary country pop culture. Trace Adkins sings a song, "You're Gonna Miss This." Last May, as a I drove away from the house of the children that I had baby-sat for the past year and a half, thinking it was my last time watching them since I was moving to Reidsville, that song came on. I cried.
But I was able to return. We never know when God will give us the blessing of returning. Sometimes leaving isn't permanent.
There are many life opportunities that we all miss, but cherish deeply. Here are a few of mine:
~playing scrabble with the residents at My Brother's Keeper in Waco, Texas
~praise and worship nights at Campus Crusade
~feeling the prick of tears when 'The Servant Song' was sung as my divinity school experience was coming to a close
~having my writing class hear my fictitious obituary in which at 93 I took bullets to the chest to save two young school girls (I am very creative!)
~meeting him in person for the first time, neither of us quite able to look each other in the eyes yet, and then he grabbed my hand and I could hardly form a thought
Those are just a few memories, though many inconsequential in the big scheme of things, that have formed a tapestry for my life. They are a somewhat random collection of the little things God has allowed me to experience.
I have known for a long time that when I give my heart and devotion, I give it strongly. I am a fierce fan of loyalty as I have seen my father demonstrate it time and time again and has unknowingly taught me to be the same way. Though I am often a jerk, I come back to the place and people where loyalty is real.
Matters of the heart are difficult because they are the core of who you are. For most of my life others have had a strong directing in the matters of my heart. I would offer it, it would be given back, and I would cling to what I did not have. There has been the unconditional love of family and friends that I will always cherish. There is the unconditional love of God that I daily struggle to comprehend, though I can never fully comprehend it.
God gives us free will. I have questioned how the free will of others can affect our ability to exercise our own desires.
This is a place of hurt right now; a valley. Less than a year ago I was a full-time student, working three part-time jobs, leading a youth group, and driving like crazy to different job interviews as I struggled to understand the life transition from 8 years at Campbell to a new phase in life.
Now, not quite a year later, I am still in transition mode. I suppose in this life we are always in transition mode from one season to another. I have no clue what's next. I have no clue what people will be the most influential to me in this next part of life. I have my hopes, but I have to surrender them to God, even when that scares me. But after all, I should learn something from my comparison to the Israelites of the Exodus.
And the crazy thing is, I may look back on this time one day and realize that I do, in fact, miss it. Not every part, but some parts. Since I am such a relational person I know that even in the midst of the circumstances, I will always love those who were a part of my life story, even in this. It is my prayer that they continue to be a part of it.
I have questioned how non-believers do it. How can they deal with the pain in life without knowing there is the providence of an almighty God that orchestrates our lives, even in the midst of trial? I do not know how I could survive without that hope.
I had wanted to write about how past situations did not work out as planned but it was phenomenal how they had all culminated into something better. And yet, as I sit here writing, I realize that that culmination may have been a temporary one. Or maybe not...it's all a part of trusting God's plan.
One of the girls I had connected with in Chicago added me as a friend on Facebook the other day. I don't know how she found me, but there is something sacred in the desire of a child to stay in touch with a person who was in their lives, even if only briefly.
As I am in the editing process of my CPE application, I have had to reflect on my life story and my faith development. At first it seemed a daunting task, but as I took to the keyboard, the words flowed and essays developed that showed the rich tapestry of God's work in my life.
In the past few years I have often compared myself to the Israelites. How often we look at them and think they were ridiculous in their often wayward trust in God. Yet, we have the whole story of that time in history and we see the end of the story where God did not abandon them, even after they wavered in the strength of their faith and devotion to him and questioned him like crazy. How much like an Israelite am I! I question and struggle and God pulls me through, only for me to question and struggle again. Again and again I wonder how God could let such and such happen. It was in recounting my personal faith journey over my twenty-six years that I began to see more of the continuous story in hindsight.
Allow me the opportunity to indulge myself in some contemporary country pop culture. Trace Adkins sings a song, "You're Gonna Miss This." Last May, as a I drove away from the house of the children that I had baby-sat for the past year and a half, thinking it was my last time watching them since I was moving to Reidsville, that song came on. I cried.
But I was able to return. We never know when God will give us the blessing of returning. Sometimes leaving isn't permanent.
There are many life opportunities that we all miss, but cherish deeply. Here are a few of mine:
~playing scrabble with the residents at My Brother's Keeper in Waco, Texas
~praise and worship nights at Campus Crusade
~feeling the prick of tears when 'The Servant Song' was sung as my divinity school experience was coming to a close
~having my writing class hear my fictitious obituary in which at 93 I took bullets to the chest to save two young school girls (I am very creative!)
~meeting him in person for the first time, neither of us quite able to look each other in the eyes yet, and then he grabbed my hand and I could hardly form a thought
Those are just a few memories, though many inconsequential in the big scheme of things, that have formed a tapestry for my life. They are a somewhat random collection of the little things God has allowed me to experience.
I have known for a long time that when I give my heart and devotion, I give it strongly. I am a fierce fan of loyalty as I have seen my father demonstrate it time and time again and has unknowingly taught me to be the same way. Though I am often a jerk, I come back to the place and people where loyalty is real.
Matters of the heart are difficult because they are the core of who you are. For most of my life others have had a strong directing in the matters of my heart. I would offer it, it would be given back, and I would cling to what I did not have. There has been the unconditional love of family and friends that I will always cherish. There is the unconditional love of God that I daily struggle to comprehend, though I can never fully comprehend it.
God gives us free will. I have questioned how the free will of others can affect our ability to exercise our own desires.
This is a place of hurt right now; a valley. Less than a year ago I was a full-time student, working three part-time jobs, leading a youth group, and driving like crazy to different job interviews as I struggled to understand the life transition from 8 years at Campbell to a new phase in life.
Now, not quite a year later, I am still in transition mode. I suppose in this life we are always in transition mode from one season to another. I have no clue what's next. I have no clue what people will be the most influential to me in this next part of life. I have my hopes, but I have to surrender them to God, even when that scares me. But after all, I should learn something from my comparison to the Israelites of the Exodus.
And the crazy thing is, I may look back on this time one day and realize that I do, in fact, miss it. Not every part, but some parts. Since I am such a relational person I know that even in the midst of the circumstances, I will always love those who were a part of my life story, even in this. It is my prayer that they continue to be a part of it.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
A Request From a Republican
This election has been going on for a very long time; long enough for people to get really fired up about their candidate. Since the results came in I have seen many responses from many different people.
Conflict comes when people deeply care about an issue but see the solution in different ways. I did not vote based on not wanting the poor to be taken care of or not being the "right kind of" Christian. Rather, I saw my vote as what would be best for our nation.
Fellow McCain voters, we need to take the time to work through our frustration and dissapointment and embrace what lies ahead.
Those who voted for Obama, if he had lost you would be frustrated and maybe a little hurt too. This process has been too long for the feelings of the McCain supporters to go away overnight. To those of you who have used such tactics, please stop putting Christians in quotations or throwing us Bible passages. We are human, we must process.
At the same time, fellow Republicans and/or McCain supporters, please stop throwing Bible passages at those who support Obama. Why are we using the Bible as a tool of combat for politics? We believe and obey the Bible, but lately our usuage of the Bible has been to make our own points and the Bible wasn't written so we could use it to push our own agenda....unless our agenda is completely God's agenda with no man-made interference and I don't see how any human being can claim that.
Obama supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Democrat because of the poor.
McCain supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Republican because of the unborn.
It is a Christian duty to care and act on both of these issues- and tons more- in a godly and self-sacrificing way. A vote can be a start, but that does not mean either vote is the best or only way to fulfill one's calling as a Christian.
In heated times such as these we all say things before thinking; myself included a million times over.As much forgiveness and compassion as we expect from other people we must be willing to show ourselves.
I do not fault people for being so emotionally involved in politics....because I know I am. I know I have said things that aren't the most diplomatic or polite out of frustration.
At the same time, no one should expect either side to heal from this division overnight.If it takes me a while to process and accept this whole ordeal, I ask you for that time.
If I fail to show compassion and express hope, I ask you to point that out.
Conflict comes when people deeply care about an issue but see the solution in different ways. I did not vote based on not wanting the poor to be taken care of or not being the "right kind of" Christian. Rather, I saw my vote as what would be best for our nation.
Fellow McCain voters, we need to take the time to work through our frustration and dissapointment and embrace what lies ahead.
Those who voted for Obama, if he had lost you would be frustrated and maybe a little hurt too. This process has been too long for the feelings of the McCain supporters to go away overnight. To those of you who have used such tactics, please stop putting Christians in quotations or throwing us Bible passages. We are human, we must process.
At the same time, fellow Republicans and/or McCain supporters, please stop throwing Bible passages at those who support Obama. Why are we using the Bible as a tool of combat for politics? We believe and obey the Bible, but lately our usuage of the Bible has been to make our own points and the Bible wasn't written so we could use it to push our own agenda....unless our agenda is completely God's agenda with no man-made interference and I don't see how any human being can claim that.
Obama supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Democrat because of the poor.
McCain supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Republican because of the unborn.
It is a Christian duty to care and act on both of these issues- and tons more- in a godly and self-sacrificing way. A vote can be a start, but that does not mean either vote is the best or only way to fulfill one's calling as a Christian.
In heated times such as these we all say things before thinking; myself included a million times over.As much forgiveness and compassion as we expect from other people we must be willing to show ourselves.
I do not fault people for being so emotionally involved in politics....because I know I am. I know I have said things that aren't the most diplomatic or polite out of frustration.
At the same time, no one should expect either side to heal from this division overnight.If it takes me a while to process and accept this whole ordeal, I ask you for that time.
If I fail to show compassion and express hope, I ask you to point that out.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I Know, I Know.....Obama Won
Obama is about to take the stage. I'm a competitive person, so it is with frustration that I see this happen.
Let me explain. I used to be quite the Obama supporter. Back in the Spring 2007 semester that I spent in Chicago I was an ardent fan of this potential president, now turned president elect.
But then I wasn't ok with much of what Obama said and did.
Please understand that I do not come from a monetarily wealthy family. I'm working two part-time jobs, one for minimum wage. I have debt. I have health insurance that is so bad that I went to an appointment and the counselor suggested we bypass the insurance and use a sliding pay scale, which would limit the amount of visits I could have. And yet, still my insurance costs went up- even with no medical issues or hardly even using the insurance.
Oh yes, I understand the plight of those who just want health care.
I also understand the pleas of sincere, progressive Christians insisting it is our duty to take care of the poor. But for every minute you spend telling me that it is my duty to vote with the poor in mind, please spend ten times as many minutes coming to my church telling me why it is important that we make caring for the poor personal and a true job of the church. Let us not shrug off our God-given responsibility of the church onto the government. I believe the church and the government should care for the poor, but I have a problem when people seem to think marking a ballot is fulfilling their duty to care for the poor.
I can do more as a Republican dedicating my life to ministry to and with the marginalized than voting democrat and returning to my suburban middle class cul-de-sac.
Oh, I know, not everyone is like that. There are amazing ministers- lay and clergy- voting democrat who deeply care for the poor. I'm just making some comments on how we seem to look to Obama as some kind of savior.
So, I ask....how do I approach this in the right way? How do I live without annoyance, without ridicule in my mind toward those who really believe Obama can work miracles without raising taxes, and without the quiet hope that soon people will see past his smooth-talking rhetoric to a mere human like the rest of us?
There, I just showed my weakness. I ask how I can get past those things and I still try to get one last jab in.
There are a million reasons why my current financial state would lend many to think I would vote democrat, but I don't. I made my mistakes, I've sought forgiveness, I'm trying my best to trust God and work hard to get out of this mess. I wish that other people had a similar work ethic, but I can't make anyone take pride in what they do. But I guess the government can make me contribute to financially supporting them.
Ok, I know there are plenty of people who really do need help, but there are too many people manipulating the system at the expense of people paying for it for me to feel completely good about taxes in the hands of democrats.
Maybe that's a failure in my thinking, maybe I'm wrong in that. Maybe I've lost some of the compassion I had from my inner-city experiences....I don't know.
I do know that as I see Obama take the stage just now that there is something about him I don't trust.
But as I complain people see Obama as being some kind of savior, maybe I've been guilty of treating the idea of someone other than Obama in office as a kind of savior.
So, I'm going to stop treating politics like the answer to the world's problems. A man-made institution can never solve man-made problems.
It's time to more strongly live what I believe.
Let me explain. I used to be quite the Obama supporter. Back in the Spring 2007 semester that I spent in Chicago I was an ardent fan of this potential president, now turned president elect.
But then I wasn't ok with much of what Obama said and did.
Please understand that I do not come from a monetarily wealthy family. I'm working two part-time jobs, one for minimum wage. I have debt. I have health insurance that is so bad that I went to an appointment and the counselor suggested we bypass the insurance and use a sliding pay scale, which would limit the amount of visits I could have. And yet, still my insurance costs went up- even with no medical issues or hardly even using the insurance.
Oh yes, I understand the plight of those who just want health care.
I also understand the pleas of sincere, progressive Christians insisting it is our duty to take care of the poor. But for every minute you spend telling me that it is my duty to vote with the poor in mind, please spend ten times as many minutes coming to my church telling me why it is important that we make caring for the poor personal and a true job of the church. Let us not shrug off our God-given responsibility of the church onto the government. I believe the church and the government should care for the poor, but I have a problem when people seem to think marking a ballot is fulfilling their duty to care for the poor.
I can do more as a Republican dedicating my life to ministry to and with the marginalized than voting democrat and returning to my suburban middle class cul-de-sac.
Oh, I know, not everyone is like that. There are amazing ministers- lay and clergy- voting democrat who deeply care for the poor. I'm just making some comments on how we seem to look to Obama as some kind of savior.
So, I ask....how do I approach this in the right way? How do I live without annoyance, without ridicule in my mind toward those who really believe Obama can work miracles without raising taxes, and without the quiet hope that soon people will see past his smooth-talking rhetoric to a mere human like the rest of us?
There, I just showed my weakness. I ask how I can get past those things and I still try to get one last jab in.
There are a million reasons why my current financial state would lend many to think I would vote democrat, but I don't. I made my mistakes, I've sought forgiveness, I'm trying my best to trust God and work hard to get out of this mess. I wish that other people had a similar work ethic, but I can't make anyone take pride in what they do. But I guess the government can make me contribute to financially supporting them.
Ok, I know there are plenty of people who really do need help, but there are too many people manipulating the system at the expense of people paying for it for me to feel completely good about taxes in the hands of democrats.
Maybe that's a failure in my thinking, maybe I'm wrong in that. Maybe I've lost some of the compassion I had from my inner-city experiences....I don't know.
I do know that as I see Obama take the stage just now that there is something about him I don't trust.
But as I complain people see Obama as being some kind of savior, maybe I've been guilty of treating the idea of someone other than Obama in office as a kind of savior.
So, I'm going to stop treating politics like the answer to the world's problems. A man-made institution can never solve man-made problems.
It's time to more strongly live what I believe.
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