Maybe I'm just selfish. Well, I know I am, we all have some selfishness in us. Before I wouldn't have had many reservations about writing about this, but now that I know certain individuals read my blog I feel like they might shake their heads and say to themselves, "poor, ignorant, middle class girl."
But here's the deal- I have money issues. I'm taking this BUILD class and a few weeks into it I am liking it a lot better than I did at first. Sometimes, however, I feel that there is this unspoken idea that everything in life should be rosy for me because I grew up middle class.
I grew up with a lot, I know this. I had amazing opportunities, but they weren't without sacrifice. I went to private school for high school and jr high so right there I have incredible privelage. I used to take this highly for granted until recently. I've begun to see how much my parents sacrificed to make that happen. Yes, some parents couldn't even sacrifice enough to send their kids to private school, so again I can see how I am privelaged.
I went to Belize this past Christmas break. Once you get outside of the tourist ports, you can see some disturbing things. I saw poverty like I've never seen it in my life. To look at that and then look at the ghetto of the States makes the ghettos look rich. Yet, I don't think residents in poor U.S. neighborhoods aren't suffering just because people in other parts of the world are poorer. In the same way I don't think middle class people don't suffer just because people in the ghetto are poorer.
I am not trying to downplay the hardships of the urban poor. Please understand, I know I have had overwhelming privelage, resources, and relationships. But is my story not valid because I had two parents in my home in a middle class neighborhod? Do I lose the right to grieve over some things in life because I have more money than some people?
I don't want to share these thoughts with my BUILD class because I don't want to play the "my story is worse that your story" game. Yet, I feel I can express it here because, well frankly, you choose to read my blog.
Sometimes I get frustrated. Every month a dental clinic comes to Breakthrough and the residents can get free dental care. I have a cavity. Now I would not trade positions with the women and choose to be homeless for free dental care- that is absurd. What I am saying is I hate the line we draw in giving. With going to school full-time and working two part-time jobs, and health insurace about $480 a month (health insurance companies have a field day when you need mental health care), I'm not exactly in a position where I can blow money wherever. But then I know I am irresponsible with my money so often, so maybe if I just stopped hanging out with friends so much I could afford a trip to the dentist. I guess that's a choice I make.
But my point is, I am getting a degree. I am getting the education we tell our kids that is so important. But here's the thing- no one wants to help you when you're in a financial bind for a short time. You have to be homeless or in poverty. You can't be a middle-class family whose only source of income just got cut off. You have to wait until you've lost enough money to qualify for programs.
Oh I could get Medicaid if I would get pregnant. One one hand this is good because regardless of the financial state of the mother, the baby needs care. But still, I can't help but feel a little bitterness that I try to make good choices and can't get any help.
Maybe this is a small price that I pay for coming from middle class. I suppose all the benefits of growing up middle class more than make up for this.
Am I choosing to be poor by going to college, getting in debt, and then going into ministry? So maybe not having money is a choice I am making while other people who don't have a lot didn't choose it.
I don't know how to express this without sounding whiny or bigoted. But somehow I needed to express these thoughts.
Oh yea, it's late and I saw a ton of spelling errors- I don't feel like fixing them, I'm sure you understand.
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2 comments:
I don't think anyone would hate you for your story. I think everyone's story is valid and it makes us who we are today. I'd be careful to not spend time comparing your story to others. Sometimes it's hard to face our privilege. It's hard for all whites to be painted with the same brush...BUT, those of us of privilege (white skin) need to understand what oppression does to a people group. It's not something that people of color can "just get over". The BUILD class gives them the forum to vent and express what they've maybe never expressed before. It may come out with anger and bitterness, but we can never really understand the pain of being black in America. We cannot compare it fairly with Belize or anywhere else. Our country was built on the backs of slaves... a heritage that makes us not a nation of God, but a nation of oppression. It is a hard story to hear, but we as whites must own up to the sins of our fathers.
As far as being a "broke" white person... when I look back on my life, the times when Bill and I were broke and had few resources were the times when God became our provider. We now look back at those times with fondness because it helped us grow in faith. It's a heritage that we can pass on to our children. We can tell our kids about the times when God and God alone got us through. I hope that you will have this heritage to pass on someday. Don't give up!
your story is valid. just as all of ours are. everyone's individual pain and struggle hard, thatsundeniable, but we must realize that for some people more than others there are systems that make it harder to get through that pain and not let it affect our lives. we all have different filters through which we view life and when the reality that we see doesn't match those filters there is a disconnect that often is confusing. BUILD is never an easy place to be for me either...for different reasons. as someone who is on many sides of this table at different times...not black, not white, but been in a lot of those places, black and white, middle class and confused. i resonate with you that these are hard issues...we have to be aware of our filters and realize that things aren't what we might think they are on first instinct.
if you want...i would be willing to talk over coffee or a meal or for an hour at work with you more about these issues, not to compare our stories or try to say mine is worse or more valid that yours, but to offer maybe a different perspective along with my story that formed that perspective. dialogue is not always easy...but i realize it is necessary for greater understanding on both sides. i don't intend anything i just wrote to be condecending or misunderstood... although it might be. but i invite you to the table to dialogue in person with me. process is never easy, but it is necessary.
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