Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Beauty from Ashes

He says, "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." ~Psalm 46:10

That, my friends, has been my verse for this year. It's a message has been communicated to me over and over again these past almost twelve months. This year started off really difficult and in the midst of that I had someone tell me, "Just be still." The reminders to be still have steadily continued throughout the year and sometimes you know God is speaking to you.

Back in January I was driving one morning- something I would often do on Sundays before church- and I swung by the airport, which really is only about 15-20 minutes from my apartment and I drove past and looked at the terminals. Steven Curtis Chapman's song, The Glorious Unfolding, had been playing and I decided going to Belize was a good idea. I had been entertaining the idea of a mission trip with my church and I hadn't been back to the country since I last flew back to the US from there in January 2007.

I also decided that month I needed to focus on forming more of a social life in the Raleigh area. I had been living here for a little over a year and I wanted to be intentional about making friends locally. I have a tendency to try new things where I hardly know anyone (I think this started with my trip to New York back in '04) and I started attending a small group from a church I had never visited. For a few months I was pretty quiet and as is my usual fashion, I finally began to open up and I kind of have been talking ever since. These friends don't know what a lifeline they were for me.

This past February I watched my mom recover from another brain surgery. She's a pretty strong woman. She might disagree, but we can agree to disagree because she's been through a lot and she's still standing (although, it is almost 11pm, so I'm thinking she's not standing at this exact moment, but you get the idea...). 

May came around with a fantastic trip to DC to see a friend get married, complete with a night stay in a hotel in my home town and another night stay in a hotel even closer to the city. I met up with a cousin and friend I hadn't seen in a while and also spent the next morning driving around the town I grew up in, seeing my childhood home and favorite spots. I also got to explore some of my favorite museums in the city. Sure I got a speeding ticket during the trip, but that got worked out.

Then in July I realized I just couldn't find my passport. I looked high and low and finally came to terms that a trip to Atlanta was in my future. I worked half a day and then started driving from Chapel Hill to Atlanta. I stayed in a snazzy hotel downtown and ordered chocolate cake from room service off of my swivel flat screen because I could, and took an individual tour of Atlanta attractions after getting things with my passport squared away the next morning. It's a good thing I went too, because going to Belize was a huge God-given blessing.

Very shortly after getting back to North Carolina, I jetted off to Belize and really got to know some great people better. I am so incredibly thankful I went because later this year my pastor announced his retirement and I don't know if I would have received such a blessing of friendship from him and his wife if I hadn't spent those 10 or so days really learning what it's like to go on a mission trip with no agenda and an openness to serve. I shared a smallish room with four other women and loved it.

While waiting to disembark the plane once back from the trip it turned midnight and my birthday began. I turned 33 this year. I used to hear people comment on how they appreciate being in their 30s because they are more comfortable in their own skin. I used to think they said that to feel better about being in their 30s, but now I can see that they were right. I'm settling into this decade of my life and I think something I said to my dog, Chai, one day when I was having a hard time and shed a few tears says a lot. I said, "This isn't want I thought my life would be like, but I'm glad you're a part of it." Family and friends, you better believe that goes for you too.

I rounded out my year by completing my first 5k, obtaining my LCSW, learning I have an exciting and highly anticipated change in my career coming up that I am excited to eventually share, watching my favorite niece grow, grabbing coffees here and there with my mom, making new friends, attending one of my favorite church services- the Christmas Eve service- with my dad, and having a fantastic holiday season with the family.

This year hasn't been perfect. I've continued to struggle with an anxiety disorder, but also have experienced great strides in treatment. I've often felt lonely. I've cried. I've been bored at work sometimes. But I will tell you this: I have grown.

I really struggled at the beginning of this year, but God has made the ride of 2015 much more beautiful than I would have imagined. Many people are going through hard times and I'm not sure what I can say that would help much except this: God has a long history of making beauty from ashes. Let Him have yours and be amazed at what He does.

Check out the song, Glorious Unfolding by Steven Curtis Chapman. I love it and it spoke so much truth to me.