Valentine's Day Pretty Much Equals Earth Day

St. Vallie’s Day is coming up and the boxes of chocolate have been rolled out. Regarding this holiday of love, I recently told someone, “Valentine’s Day is kind of like Earth Day. You know it’s happening, but it doesn’t really affect your life.” (Environmentalists: please don’t yell at me!)

I’ve never had much of an issue with February 14. It was always a friendly day; my dad got me chocolates growing up, my middle school friends bought me candy grams, and it’s just not a sad day to me. When I was a senior in high school I didn’t feel like staying at home Valentine’s night, so I took myself out and quickly realized that if all singles did the same thing, we’d find each other!

But my heart goes out to those who feel the sting of rejection, disappointment, envy, or a myriad of other emotions on Valentine’s. Unfortunately, this is one area in which the church does not often provide an alternative to our culture’s view that everyone’s life purpose should be to find “the one” (which is more a cultural term than a factual one, anyway). Singles are often treated as something “to fix” because people want singles to be happy. That’d be great…. if being single meant being unhappy!

Maybe the reason Valentine’s Day isn’t a sore spot for me is that I’ve never had a date on Valentine’s, so I’m not comparing this year to last. There’s a time I may have been embarrassed to admit that, but why? I’ve dated and gone out with different guys, just not on February 14. Some people might wonder if there’s something wrong with me, but then I wonder what’s wrong with them that they judge someone’s worth by whether or not a date was had in mid-February.

In general I’m a pretty content person and that’s not because of- or in spite of- being single. My relationship status doesn’t delegate my level of satisfaction with life. Is it harder sometimes than others? Yes. Are there times I’ve had a really rough day and just want a hug? Of course. Do I sometimes feel that if I talk about how overwhelmed I am that other parents will roll their eyes and say, “Wait till you have kids”? Absolutely.

Yes, I want to get married one day. I want to have children and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve often joked that I have a platonic shield in front of me. I have a lot of guy friends (I’ve even joked that I collect guy friends like some people collect baseball cards) but it doesn’t seem to go further. I’m emotionally aware enough to know that there isn’t any one reason for my singleness. It’s not that guys just don’t like me or I’m so messed up. I realize that I just haven’t met the right guy and that I contribute to my “platonic shield” by my lack of vulnerability with guys and my efforts to deflect attention if someone flirts. One of my fears is being vulnerable with a guy and baring my heart, only to have the guy give me a look of rejection and say “Really? Um, no.”

I’ve learned that if I have unreciprocated feelings for a guy, it doesn’t mean that he’s a step above me and he doesn’t feel the same because I’m not up to his level. That’s a subconscious thought I’ve had for years and it’s unhealthy. What it really means is that guy and I are on the same level, but it’s just not the right match. A rejection doesn’t mean that I am not good enough; it just means that he and I are better for other people.

Why am I so open about such a private matter? Because for too long I felt like my singleness was something to be kept under wraps, something to not draw attention to, and something to work as hard as I could to change. Essentially, it seemed to mean that I was undesirable. I now know that is wrong.

Historically, I’ve been pretty hard on myself and it was only in recent years that I realized that… and it took other people pointing it out for me to see it. As I’m working to accept myself more and more for who I am, I realize that I can be open with some things I used to want to hide. My hope in writing this post is that someone else can begin to let go of inappropriate shame or sadness for where he or she is in life.

Whatever messages you do or do not receive this Valentine’s Day, you are worthy, you are amazing and you are loved.