Being Still Even When My Hands are Shaking

“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

2015 has been a somewhat crazy year. It’s just the first day of the third month, but already I’ve had my heart broken, have dealt with a family medical issue, and am experiencing severe burnout at work (compassion fatigue, anyone?). Oh yea, I also am experiencing a side effect of a medication that sometimes makes my hands shake. It’s a very awkward conversation piece.

I have been deeply in need of rest.

Psalm 46:10 seems to be a recurring theme for me this year. In talking with friends and reading books, the idea of being still has been preached to me numerous times. Obviously, it’s time to listen and going on a spirituality retreat with my church in Greenville seemed like a great opportunity to be still. I’d been on this retreat before, but had forgotten about the banner that is displayed at the front of the sanctuary. It reads: “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

Got the message.

Throughout the weekend there was ample time for silence and solitude. We read passages from a devotional classic, “The Shepherd Psalm” by F.B. Meyer and then would take significant time to be alone, pray, and reflect on what we read.

I joked with my small group that I live by myself so I already have lots of solitude….. but there’s no spiritual rest in watching the Bachelor on Monday nights. The point was, you can have time alone and still not be restored; restorative solitude must be intentional.

This weekend it was very intentional. Saturday morning I put on my Chicago boots and coat and walked to the prayer chapel. Situated at a camp and conference center in a part of the state where mountains are beginning to dot the landscape, the chapel has glass windows that overlook the forest. Dusted with snow, the scene was beautiful. I took a seat on a rustic wooden bench in the back and when the other person present left, I took a seat at the front. I looked out over the outdoor scene and prayed…. and cried. I said out loud, “God, I’m struggling.” I realize it was supposed to be a time of silence, but I think that cry from my heart was entirely appropriate.  

I didn’t receive a distinct answer to my prayer, but I did experience the communion that comes from pouring out my heart to God, something that comes strongly recommended in one of my favorite verses, Psalm 62:8. Though brief, that time in the wooden chapel brought with it rest and restoration for my soul.

Other quiet times involved curling up on a couch or in a chair and reading over the book excerpt and then praying, letting the tears fall if they came.

I reconnected with friends I had grown to love during my time in Greenville and enjoyed the fellowship that comes from talking in groups while grazing a giant pile of snacks, or resting on a couch and remembering retreats past. The community was simple, and so much more restorative than my normal get togethers with others, which generally consists of dinner out or a movie. No one was rushed….well, maybe the retreat leaders.

The time of solitude, sweet community, and times of worship were greatly needed and I’m back in Apex, feeling a little more restored than I was last week.

This was a weekend of healing in various ways. It was not without its humorous times, such as when I went to light a candle symbolic of my prayer for my broken heart and after trying the wicks on about three different candles, could not get them lighted. Slightly exasperated I practically thought, “I just want to light a candle for my broken heart! Can’t I just do this!?” (That was the first night of the retreat…. not as much rest was had at that point!) I finally did get a candle lit.

This retreat brought the conviction that I need to focus on being more intentional about solitude and seeking God on a regular basis, instead of running myself ragged until the next retreat at the end of February. Maybe this year I’ll follow through on it. I know lately I have had some struggles that have brought me closer to the heart of God and I want to continue that spiritual growth.

I’d love to hear what others do to connect with God and  experience rest and rejuvenation. I know it’s not a method, but a process of just being. Just being still and knowing that He is God.

So, that’s something I want to focus on. I’d say work on, but well, it’s not about doing, but about being. Being still can be hard for my extroverted self and even if my hands shake, at least my soul can be still.