I Play It Safe

Whenever my dad vacuums he makes really neat patterns on the carpet; long, neat triangle looking shapes. I don't do it that way. When I vacuum at the bookstore it is a hodgepodge of marks resulting from just trying to get up the debris.

Nothing about my life seems to be neat. I'm not talking about my messy car trunk or disheveled closet, I'm talking about the bigger things.

Is faith messy? Maybe so. It's certainly no exact formula for me. To chronicle my faith journey, I find that there have been unexpected twists and turns all along the way.

I play it safe too often. I played it safe tonight. I stopped ringing people up on the register at the bookstore because if one more person hadn't used their free punch card I could have failed to meet a sales goal. I could have taken the chance, but I didn't. Instead I vacuumed the floor in a plethora of patterns.

Is ringing people up on a cash register really what I'm getting at? Sort of. It's kind of a picture of what I feel in my life right now...afraid of taking chances.

I've got these interviews- two with churches. I've also got some other options that seem easier; things I don't question my ability to do. Because church jobs are a big deal...you know, dealing with people on a deeply personal and spiritual level and being a wise, godly leader to them. I know God equips who he calls and I am trying to trust him in that on a new level.

Some might say I haven't always played it safe. I did move to Chicago for a semester, but that was kind of safe too, because I knew I would be moving back. I have done some pretty daring things, but there was always the safety of coming back.

So maybe that's why this whole situation scares me, because there's no going back. For years I went to Campbell, getting two degrees. I always had the loan money to fall back on, but now I'm no longer a student and the loan money isn't there. It's payback time. The safety net of "I'll take care of it someday" is no longer there because that someday is the present.

And I scare myself because I never had to take it seriously. I could shrug off the warnings, I could make dumb mistakes. I could frustrate my parents because I knew it would work out....but it didn't work out the way I planned.

What is this life? Harry Emerson Fosdick wrote a sermon entitled, "Handling Life's Second-Bests." My preaching professor in divinity school told my class about that sermon, but I never got around to reading it. I feel that I should now.

I'm a fan of easy answers. Who doesn't like simple solutions to fall into their lap? But there is no simple solution this time....there is hard work and trust and overcoming anxiety.

And I have felt anxiety. The days I go into work at my part-time fast food job are the days I often take my medicine. It's not a high stress job, but the fact that I'm there at this point in my life is very high stress. Who has a masters degree and works for minimum wage cleaning a restaurant at 12am?

I am not in poverty, but I have never understood better than now. That silent plea for something better, for something that makes life easier. Oh I know, I have God and I know he is my provider, but I am still reaping the consequences of what I've done.

I'm very much concerned about the future because I have no idea what to do. I try to read a book and I find myself just going back to begging God to show me what he wants me to do.

I have been very honest.

I have also been somewhat melodramatic. Don't get my wrong, there are many, many good things in my life. Things that make me smile and laugh and sing. Things that make me excited about tomorrow and lead me closer to God.

I know all is not hopeless. There is very much hope. God is showing me that hope.