Learning to Be

The Charm of Micro on a Friday Evening

2010-09-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

I have a knack for turning ordinary events into exceptional ones. That's one of the best ways I can think of to reframe my ability to get into odd situations. For instance, over the past two and half weeks my car has broken down twice. Did I get stranded in a shopping center in Raleigh or even along the side of the road in Cary? Of course not.

The first incident occuring in the tiny township of Pilot, NC, but that one is far less interesting, so I'll direct your attention to last Friday's breakdown.

I was driving home to visit my parents to interview them for a grad school paper when that familiar blinking exclamation point was back on my dashboard in full-force. I thought I had gotten rid of that thing, what with the expensive car repairs from the Pilot episode and all.

So, I pulled off I-95 and made my way to what I would come to find out was the Backdoor Cafe. In a huff I called AAA and attempted to describe my surroundings to the representative. "Um, there's the Backdoor Cafe....it's a town called Micro.....there's a fire department and a BB&T...and a little park across the street." There wasn't much to give her beause there wasn't much there.

I went in to inquire as to the exact physical address and was stunned. If you've ever seen "Sweet Home Alabama" with Reese Witherspoon, you could appreciate the scene. Many older couples and some families sat at various tables, dressed in stereotypical rural fashions. (Hey, I'm not judging, I'm just trying to explain the movie-like scene I walked into.) A hodgepodge of antiques and country-like collectables donned the walls of the loud room. The reason the room was loud? That would have been the girl in the corner singing a Taylor Swift karaoke song.

Feeling a slight wave of culture shock, I was at the front of the cafe where everyone was facing and blurted out to the AAA representative still on the phone, "Wow...there's karaoke" and I hope the music drowned out my comment. Cell phone to my ear, I made my way through the center of the cafe to the back counter and asked the waitress for the physical address. A couple of people later, I found out. In their complete defense, I don't think people generally need a street address to locate things in really small towns like Micro.

I decided to settle in, even though it was clear that I wasn't a local. I began this dialogue with the waitress:

Me: "Do you take debit?"
Kind Waitress: "I don't even have a credit card machine. But there's an ATM right down the road."
Me: "Yea, my car broke down."
Kind waitress: (In a sympathetic tone,) "And you got stuck here?"
Me: "Yea. I don't know about walking to the Cashpoints and having people see me withdrawl money and walking back."
Kind waitress: "I understand."
Me: (thinking about the hour long wait ahead of me) "But maybe I'll risk it." (And going on the notion that you don't know if you don't ask, I proceeded to inquire,) "Do you have wireless internet?"
Kind waitress: "No, we don't."

So I went to the CashPoints machine on the other side of the track. Yes, it was on the other side of a train track and there was only one so I don't really feel like I can say the other side of the tracks. Either way, I got my money and returned. Ordering breakfast for dinner, I began to continue to take in the room.

Someone else was in the karaoke corner singing an old country song I was not at all familiar with and a few kids here and there entertained themselves among the adults. As the karaoke continued, the dancing began. First an older couple, then a single woman; I think she was linedancing.

As I waited for my meal the man in the booth in front of me turned around and showed me a picture of him as a boy. I complimented him and later committed what I now consider a slight social mishap.

This was no ordinary night, it was also a birthday celebration. Peices of the cut cake were being passed out and my newfound aquaintance asked if I would like a peice. Now, the cake did look good but I didn't know these people and it was their celebration so I kindly responded, "I'm alright, but thank you."

I do not think that labeled me as Micro-friendly. I got the feeling that this man considered that an unfriendly outsider response. Don't worry, I later made it up when we laughed about how loud the train was when it passed by and how it rattled the building. Awesome, I was back in the good graces of this friendly older man.

As I dined on an omelet and coffee I received a couple glances and began to think I did have the capability to do that stereotypical up-and-leave your hometown, head to the midwest, and stop in little towns along the way thing.

Around this time my friend was up singing his own karaoke song. He later sat down and asked if I liked Elvis songs. I replied that I did and he told me he did a great renedition of "Now or Never" and maybe he'd sing that later. I really did appreciate his hospitality and friendliness.

After a little more karaoke, the happy birthday chorus, and the fascinated stares of a small child looking at me and me looking and smiling back, the tow truck came. Now, it seemed to me the tow truck was one of the more interesting things to happen in Micro on a Friday night because the men standing around in the parking lot stopped to watch the truck pull up.

Finally I was on my way, with the tow truck driver, back to Greenville. I'm glad I'm outgoing and an extrovert because it was too long of a ride to say nothing. We talked about education, the economy, race, and brushed upon the topic of immigration and the labor force.

So, no, I didn't get home this weekened, but I was able to interview my parents on the phone. And apart from a few more car repairs, I appreciated the experience. I might not be a small town kind of girl, but rural locals definitely have their charm.

A New Season

2010-08-29T04:42:00.001-07:00

Roughly every 6-8 months I am determined to begin blogging again. Usually I post one or two times and let my online writing determination drift away again. If nothing else, the semi-annual timing of my literary inspiration coincides with needed trips to the dentist. So, even if I don't keep up with the blogging sphere, I can remember to call to get my teeth checked every time I am inspired to blog.

In more pressing news, I finished my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) Residency last Friday. As I walked about on my last day working at the hospital, I was reminded of the movie "Ocean's 11." Here's what I mean:

In the movie a group of mostly strangers get together, engage in a crazy, adverterous task, and then individually disperse in front of a fountain show in downtown Las Vegas, returning to their individual lives. Minus the whole casino robbing and waterworks display, that kind of resembled my residency.

A group of women came together, most not knowing each other prior, and engaged in ministry, self-discovery, and a certain kind of bonding that comes through difficulty. Then, over the course of the last two days, we individually left the hospital to continue our lives. Fortunately, we have the ability to stay in touch, but, of course, it will be different. It's an interesting thing that a year ago we didn't know each other and now we leave our chaplain positions as sisters.

Well, some are continuing on in the chaplain journey at the hospital. I, however, am busy at school pursuing my Master of Social Work and am sure there will be plenty of adventerous to come with that.

I feel like God is moving in a great and powerful way. But really, should I be surprised? He's God, he's good, and he's taking care of me. And I'm excited to see what he will do in this new season of my life.

On Being Full

2009-11-14T07:11:00.000-08:00

I've decided to follow through with a conviction I had a while back: to stop using the word busy.

What does it mean when one says he or she is busy? For me, I find that I tend to use the word in the form of a complaint. For others, that might not be the case.

Busyness does not always indicate being productive. You can busily avoid things in life you need to deal with, people you need to talk to, or truly important things you need to accomplish.

Being busy simply means you are filling your time. But being busy in and of itself does not mean you are making a difference.

This post isn't about encouraging others to give up the word 'busy,' rather it's about my use of the word. Instead of saying, "I'm so busy this weekend!" which, for me, often has the underlying meaning of complaint about all I have to do I'd rather say, "I have a really full weekend ahead of me."

Does it really mean anything if you just substitute another word for busy? For me it does. By saying my life, schedule, day, etc. is full gets me to thinking about opportunity, not obligation. When I focus on being busy I feel that I am performing obligations. When I focus on life being full, I focus on the opportunity I have through doing the things I need to do.

This may not work for everyone, but I find for me that my thoughts have a strong influence on my mood and attitude. By doing something as simple as redirecting the nature of my thoughts I find myself naturally more optimistic, ambitious, and light-hearted.

I think there's a reason God's Word speaks so much about our thoughts. But that's another post for another day.

Simplicity

2009-11-10T17:35:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting cross-legged on my couch with my laptop. My apartment is a mess, I'm eating microwaved oatmeal because my stove/oven died, and I'm listening to music I like. I'm trying to figure out how to make my paycheck stretch and cover my bills and I'm concerned about my car's ability to run for much longer without some costly repairs.

Yet, I'm content.

Even in the mist of financial insecurity I find myself in my own apartment with the lights on, fresh water available, and something to eat. I have enough money to have downloaded the songs I'm listening to on itunes. I have itunes. Kind of ridiculous to think I'm poor.

So much about my future is unknown to me. Where will I be in a year? For all I know, I could be in Wisconsin (seriously).

I really feel like I'm beginning to grow again in my relationship with God. For the past year someone else has been such a vital part of my life. So much so that I put most of my effort into that. When I finally gave it up to God, amazing things started to happen. Mainly, I started to move on.

Now that I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders, I feel content. I'm free to pursue the incredible possibilities God is laying before me without wondering how someone else will fit into the picture. That's not to say I wouldn't like for there to one day be someone else, but for now, I find where I'm at in life to be rather enjoyable.

There's something to be said about simplicity.

By the River

2009-09-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

When I was in divinity school I took a devotional classics class in which we read the book, "Sayings of the Desert Fathers."

A large number of men in the monastic groups were going to the river. For what, I wasn't sure. So many sayings included phrases such as, "I went down to the river one day....."

I finally asked my professor, "Why do all these guys keep going to the river?" I honestly don't remember what my professor said, but I have been thinking about it recently.

Not too long after I moved to Greenville I took a journal and went to a local park, spending some time writing my thoughts and praying.

You know what I realized? I was sitting by a river.

I don't know what it is about bodies of water that invite us to them: rivers, oceans, lakes. Water can be a very serene and peaceful thing, or it can be a vast rush of change, depending on the conditions.

But what I realized from my time by the river is how wonderfully connected we are to all generations of faith. The God who never changes is God of each generation. Just as monks thousands of years ago were drawn to the river, I, too, was drawn to a river of my own in the 21st century.

I like to think how generations of believers are united in our faith and common practices.

And I suppose I will take quite a few more trips to the river.

Oh, Golly

2009-06-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

Warning: Do not read if you don't want to hear about me being sick!

Alright, so a couple weeks ago was pretty rough. I had gotten off from an on-call at the hospital on a Thursday and drove back to Harnett County. I stopped to get my nails done since I was headed to Ohio that night to be in the wedding of a good friend.

I was driving down a road I had driven tons of times and came to an intersection I have crossed just as many times. I was distracted somehow because I ran the stop sign and that's when I saw the truck. I tried my best to stop, but I didn't have time and I ran into the side of the other vehicle. My little Aveo stopped where it was, but I hit the side of the bed of the truck so the other vehicle went spinning. I sat there thinking, "Did that really just happen?" My car was still running, so I just turned off the ignition.

I sat there in disbelief for a bit and then got out and went to see if the other guy was alright. He asked me the same and then we started making phone calls. The fire department, paramedics, and police arrived. And, thankfully, my mom did too!

Thankfully, the other driver is fine.

By the time the police took the report, I talked to the paramedics, and got stuff out of my car that was going to be towed, I had gotten a really bad sunburn (as is evidenced by the Facebook pictures from the wedding!). And trust me, the wedding guests commented repeatedly that I had gotten too much sun.

My parents knew half the people who responded to the scene and go to church with quite a few of them. They asked my parents how I was that next Sunday. (Although, they may think my parents have the dumb daughter who ran into a vounteer firefighter's car!) While still at the scene, I noticed that I was feeling a little sore, so mom and I went to a local urgent care where they took x-rays. I was exhausted from the on-call and lack of sleep even prior to that, and I almost fell asleep right on the x-ray table! I had a neck spasm (where my neck was straight and I didn't have the natural curve, but the doctor said that would fix itself in time). I got some prescriptions and that night I was off to Ohio with a friend and fellow bridesmaid.

Were that the only thing, the weekend may have been different. However, I had woken up with a slight sore throat that morning. 'No big deal' I figured, but the sore throat began to get worse and worse. It got so bad that the night before the wedding some of us bridesmaids and the bride were gonna go to Starbucks and I decided to stay in the hotel room. If you know me at all, I'm not one to pass up Starbucks!

I had chills and felt horrible. My throat hurt so bad that I started taking the painkillers from the accident for my throat.

The next day a few of us went to get our hair done. Now, I had taken two of the percocets in the past 24 hours and they were knocking me out! I started dozing off in the salon chair and I also began to feel really sick and had to run to the bathroom in case I threw up right there. I'm almost positive the salon staff thought I was hung over. No- just totaled my car and was really sick. I did, however, throw up in the parking lot. I took more painkillers and they knocked me out so bad that I was sitting at a computer and kept dozing off while on Facebook. I laid down in the bed and was texting a friend and kept falling asleep and getting startled when my cell phone made a noise to alert me that a text came through. I was having trouble typing on my phone. Finally I went to sleep!

At the wedding reception I could barely eat the food and I began to feel worse and worse. On the ride home from Ohio to North Carolina I slept for all but an hour or less.

That night I decided that I really did need to go to the emergency room. I got really sick in the parking lot and was on my hands and knees trying to throw up, but I couldn't because I hadn't eaten anything that day for fear of getting sick. After waiting a bit I went back and found out I had a throat infection (the paper said it was acute tonsilitis) and they hooked me up to an IV and gave me steroids and antibiotics. I was hooked up to the IV for over an hour and finally went home with some more prescriptions. Eventually my throat got better.

After two days off of work I began to feel a lot better. My poor little Aveo (which I had named 'The Laura Ingalls') was totaled. The funny thing is, the engine would still run! I asked the man at the collision center if he could get my cd out of the cd player and the car cranked right up!

Since the car was new and still under warranty, I got a good amount for it from the insurance company and it won't take long to pay the rest off.

My health insurance? Well, that turned out to be horrible and I have a giant medical bill, but hey- it could be worse.

So, that's how I totaled my car and got a throat infection at about the same time.

Thankfully, I'm feeling better now!

A Year Already

2009-05-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

The Bible talks about not knowing what the future will bring. God knows, but we don't.

The last year of my life- whoa.

It's been a year I was hooded, attended baccalaureate, and walked across the stage at graduation to receive my MDiv. I went through so many emotions and it was such a sacred time. I was taking a job with the Salvation Army and life was gonna move ahead.

Then things changed. The past year has been one of the biggest years for growth that I have ever had. I have experienced so much. The thing is, I didn't expect about 99% of it, and yet God has been faithful.

A look at the past year:

~I started my first "real" career job. I moved into my own apartment. I never struggled with depression but it hit me hard. Financially I couldn't make it, I felt a lack of community, I didn't even want to get up and go to work in the mornings. I moved back home within a month and a half.

~The economy was bad, couldn't get a desk job so I rejoined the Bojangles team I had worked with my last semester of divinity school to pay my unexpected new car bills. Only this time I had my degree and was still working fast food. So many people I knew came through- including the assistant dean of the divinity school who was in my exit interview. Humiliating and yet I found a great deal of fellowship with my co-workers. Suprisingly, I was able to make it fun sometimes.

~I stood as a bridesmaid and watched my only sibling get married.

~I had my first real dating relationship. I fell head over heels for him and watched him walk away. Contrary to what I felt at the time, I survived the heartache.

~I have, at times, felt incredibly far from God and yet have also experienced his faithfulness and renewal in new ways.

~I visited my grandmother in the NICU at WakeMed, having no idea I'd be visiting that unit as a chaplain several months later. As a chaplain I have done things I never thought I'd do and I have loved it.

~I've lost about 37 pounds

~I was offered a great job, then it was taken away. I was incredibly upset. Then something better came along and I have a great job now. I love my co-workers, the management team, and the kids. I'm defintely looking forward to working there this summer without the crazy schedule I've had since I started.

~Speaking of jobs, I was so scared about CPE. No guarentee of a residency, and yet I got one.

~I have been so exhausted that I felt like I could be sick. I have cried to God in my car, expressing how tired and worn out I was. These past few months have been more demanding than any other point in my life.

~I have been impatient and short-tempered with those closest to me. I let my anger get the best of me sometimes and yet I feel these relationships are on the mend.

~I have grown so much in my "real world" (not a huge fan of that phrase) experience and have gotten a better hold of finances, but I still have a long way to go.

You know, as I write these things I realize that a blog cannot capture everything I have experienced, learned, and loved this past year. I have gone from feeling like I ruined my life to thanking God for incredible days. Those reading this may not think these experiences are that big of a deal, but I feel that I have grown so much in the past year.

So, no, I can't capture the past 365 days in a blog post. But trust me, God's mercies are new every morning- even when the morning doesn't seem to come for months.

Looking Forward

2009-02-24T11:53:00.000-08:00

When I was in seminary I went to a lecture taught by one of my professors on the theology found in U2's songs, particularly the doctrine of unrealized eschatology. Using U2's song, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" he explained the concept of "not quite yet." Although we have the promise of God, we do not fully experience all that God is until the perfection of heaven. For now, we are limited in what we see and know, but we have the promise of experiencing the fullness of God one day.

On a much, much smaller and less significant scale I have been able to apply this to other areas of my life. I was there, vacuum-sweeping the floor of Bojangles and even as my career seemed hopeless, there were those moments of hope and expectation when I knew something better was coming. I can also recount the agonizing days of heartbreak from a broken relationship. While it often felt as if my heart would never heal, there were those moments of hope and excitement in which I could actually anticipate moving on. In the same way, I live this life with the hope and expectation of the day when my relationship with God is a fully realized reality.

I have found the past year of my life to be very difficult. If 2008 was the year of humbling, 2009 is the year of restoration.

I think how in the midst of severe pain and frustration I had moments of hoping toward something better in terms of my professional and personal life. If that be the case, how stronger the hope of unrealized eschatology in my spiritual life. I don't always "feel" God beside me. And I have learned that is ok. I don't have to "feel" to know. And when I don't feel as if he's close, I remind myself that my experience of God is somewhat limited for now and the full reality of his presence is still to come.

So, just as I looked toward the days of the realization of hope in other areas of my life, I look toward the day of the full realization of my spiritual hope. Because if there is one thing I've learned lately, it's that my relationship with God must dictate who I am and what I choose to do.

Not experiencing fullness now is often very difficult. But, faith that keeps us pressing towards what we will experience fully one day is faith worth sustaining.

Love

2009-02-10T18:03:00.000-08:00

Over the past couple months I have thought a lot about love. Not just romantic love, but the love we have for our family, friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ.

My thoughts took me back to 1 Corinthians 13. Often read at weddings, this is the "love passage." This passage gives a long list of love's attributes. Although I had read it many times, I found myself wondering if Paul mentioned anywhere in the passage that love is easy.

So, I got out my Bible and took a look. Nope, nowhere in the entire chapter does Paul say love is simple or easy. So, how does Paul describe love?

The first adjective he uses is patient. Oh, great. I am not a patient person at all, just take a look at my driving. I imagine patience is a hard thing for most people in our "I want it now" society. There you go, one adjective in and it's already a struggle. Paul then goes on to list other things love is and some of them seem incredibly difficult. Love isn't easily angered? Hmmm.....again, back to that driving history.

I also got to thinking about love for self. If we are to love others as we love ourselves, we have to know how to love ourselves in a healthy way. So, when Paul tells us that love keeps no record of wrongs, what does that mean for forgiving ourselves? I believe we should always learn from our mistakes, but if love means not keeping a record of wrongs and we need to love ourselves so we can love others in the same way, we have to come to the point where we can forgive ourselves. Then we can forgive others and, in love, keep no record of their wrongs just as we have done with ourselves.

And yet, to demonstrate the love Paul describes seems incredibly difficult, even as a Christian. So, how do we even begin to live this love? I think it goes back to the message in Philippians 2:5. "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus" (NIV).

Our attitude determines so much of how we live our lives. Our attitude affects our hearts and our minds. It makes or breaks our day. It can restore or destroy our relationships. When we think of surrending our entire hearts, minds, bodies, and souls to Christ, we must also consider attitude.

Yes, the love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 is the natural nature of God. Yet, Paul knew enough not to say it was natural for humans. The only way to even begin to live a life of this love is to focus on making our attitude the same as Christ Jesus.

In focusing on Jesus Christ as the example of what our attitude should be, we cease to look at ourselves and our seemingly lack of capacity to achieve this kind of love, and instead focus on our Savior. Then, when we are focusing on him, we find that love becomes more natural. Focusing on Christ is the only way to acheive a 1 Corinthians 13 love.

May we live a life of love every day.

Writing Class

2008-12-28T18:40:00.001-08:00

A little over a year ago I had to write my obituary for my Ministry of Writing class. I had a lot of fun with it because I could make up a crazy, wild story about my life. I came across it the other day and it makes me want to chuckle.

The amazing part about this story is that at 93 I could manage to throw myself in front of two school girls! And yes, in this version of my life I did marry the guy who plays Jim on The Office.

Now, my some of my life goals have changed a little from when I wrote this (such as wanting to live in all those cities!), but it still is interesting to read!

Rebecca Lee Krasinski, 93, of Chicago, died October 28, 2075 at the University of Chicago Medical Center after saving the lives of two young girls on the city’s South Side. On the morning of October 27 Rebecca sustained multiple gunshot wounds when she threw herself over the two girls as gunfire broke out on the street.

Rebecca was born July 26, 1982 to the late William and Denise (Gabriel) Frederick. She married actor John Krasinski of Boston, Massachusetts in 2011. Krasinski died on February 28, 2074.

Rebecca was a 65-year resident of the West Pullman neighborhood and founder of Breakthrough Urban Ministry’s Christian education center, commonly known as the Education Advocacy and Training (EAT) program.

Before moving to Chicago, Rebecca served as an urban minister in Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C. Rebecca held a Bachelor of Arts degree and a Master of Divinity degree from Campbell University in Buies Creek, North Carolina, and a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Urban Studies from the University of Chicago.

Rebecca was an ordained and active member of Lake Michigan Baptist Church. A strong Christian, Rebecca dedicated her life to helping those in poverty. A firm advocate of education, Rebecca founded the EAT center in 2047 as a subsidiary center of Breakthrough Urban Ministries.

Rebecca is survived by five children, Julia Lee McHogany of Chicago, Anna Beth Sandier of Lillington, NC, Brandon Michael Krasinski of Pittsburgh, PA, Sanyu Smith of East St. Louis, IL, and Jafari Krasinski of Oak Par, IL. Rebecca is also survived by fourteen grandchildren and twenty-two great-grandchildren. Rebecca was preceded in death by one brother, David John Frederick, of Charlotte, NC.

Friends and family will be received from 9:00 A.M. to 1:00 P.M. at Lake Michigan Baptist Church on November 3, 2075. A 1:00 P.M. memorial service will be held at the church.

In remembrance of Rebecca, persons may contribute to Breakthrough Urban Ministries, 3330 W. Carroll Ave, Chicago, IL 60624.

What an Eventful Four Years!

2008-12-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

Four years ago today I graduated from college. Now, the past four years have been rather full and exciting. There have been highs and there have been lows, and God has been faithful through all of it.

December 18, 2004 I graduated with a degree in mass communication/public relations. That night friends and I went to see the Raleigh Ringers, a professional handbell choir (it gets more random....a year later my best friend, Erin, and I went to Barnes and Noble to see the Juggling Rabbi). Three weeks later I began divinity school.

After that first semester I headed to Waco, TX. Not being well traveled in my life, I remember walking from the plane and excitedly thinking, "I'm in Texas!" That summer changed my life in so many ways and before I knew it I was back at school. After another year I found myself in West Chicago, IL, about an hour out of Chicago. Not having any clue how a summer in the suburbs made sense, I also was at a bilingual church and didn't understand roughly 50% of what was spoken. Again, that summer was fantastic. I returned to Chicago a couple more times.

I returned to school and completed another semester. Then I went to Belize with a group from the divinity school and I believe God showed me there that one of my spiritual gifts is teaching. After returning home I had four days before I left for a semester in Chicago. Again, fantastic and an incredible experience.

I came back home, began a role as a leader with my youth group at church and embarked on my last year of divinity school. That December my car died and I began working at Bojangles. I mean, seriously....last semester before a masters degree and working at Bojangles. Oh, if only I knew it would be crazier than that!

I entered my last semester going to school, working three part time jobs (ok, the other two were pretty fantastic- not like Bojangles!) and leading the youth group at my church. Around March I began driving around a few states looking for jobs and finally chose The Salvation Army in Reidsville. After I went through the incredible experience of my final chapel as a div school student, the hooding ceremony and graduation, I moved to Reidsville, NC to began a career.

And in a month and a half I moved back, having had accumulated more school debt than my salary could handle. I also was pretty miserable there. Coming home I applied for jobs like crazy and found myself back at Bojangles! What a wonderful opportunity for ministry there, though one I wish I had been a better steward of sometimes. But then I also got a job at Family Christian Stores in Cary and things were getting better.

During this time I also entered my first serious romantic relationship (oh yes, a true champion of singleness doesn't enter their first serious dating relationship until they are 26!) and it was wonderful. But that's come to a halt and yes, I'm still reeling from it.

So, here I am now. Having been accepted into the CPE internship program at WakeMed Hospital, I am weighing my options for what is the best next step in life.

I want so much to do what God wants me to do, but this learning process is quite painful at times!

So, let's see....domestic and international missions, earning a masters degree, serving in a youth leadership role in my church, starting a career and then completely changing plans, having my first serious romantic relationship, and learning more about God and faith and trying to grow closer to God through it all....I'd say it's been an eventful four years.

So, what did I do today on December 18, 2008? I interviewed for and was accepted into the program at WakeMed and I worked a shift at the bookstore.

Let's just say life is a little different than I planned. But that's ok. Not only does God have a sense of humor, but he has a plan....a really good and awesome plan, one he is guiding me on step by step.

Social Justice and People

2008-12-04T10:51:00.001-08:00

I didn't bring extra resources. We both wore the uniform and had the visor. On our break I took her to cash her check and then, yes, we splurged to get coffee. When I interned at non-profits there was a sense of authority in my position, a sense that I had much to give to hurting people.

But there we were, both of us in the same place. In true biblical social justice ministry we must enter into community with those around us. The only extraordinary thing I had to bring to the table was my faith, nothing much in the way of material resources. I'm sure we both had mistakes from the past that landed us there, I know I did.

Not too long after that I worked Black Friday at the bookstore. Droves of people graced our doors and the sales racked up. I scanned item after item for people who spent hundreds of dollars. I began to see why other countries detest us. I rang up all these items I would love to own, but could never afford at the time. As Americans we throw down hundreds of dollars in the name of deserving it and we don't think twice.

And I, I have been a proponent of living simply when I rarely did so. I told people that we must be concerned about poverty as I racked up more debt than anyone I know. What was the harm in paying for gas on credit so I could drive to Cary just to study? Why not use that card again to give myself a cup of Starbucks coffee. Didn't I deserve it?

I didn't live simply. I thought I lived more simply because I didn't buy massive amounts of expensive clothes or eat at fancy resteraunts, but little by little I didn't live simply at all.

So here I sit, massive debt, grasping for a career, and healing from the wounds of misunderstood relationships.

I still choose to believe that God will make a miracle story out of this. That one day these struggles will be part of the past and my life will be a living testimony to how far God brings us when we trust him. I have failed greatly in many areas, but I cling to the belief that God will make something good out of it. He never condoned the sins I've committed, but he has forgiven them.

If I am going to embrace life as an adventure I must stop looking to other people to fulfill me. I fully believe the people God brings our way very much can be part of our fulfillment in life, but if they leave, then I must have a strong enough faith that God is still my ultimate fulfillment.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in investing in people. I believe that it is ok to grieve relationships- whatever the nature of the relationship might be- because if things go wrong and it doesn't hurt, then I wonder how deeply committed we were in the first place. So when I say my ultimate fulfillment comes from God, that is not to say that there isn't a level of fulfillment in people we love.

So yes, in some ways I have failed to act on the social justice that was so important to me. In many ways I have failed to show love to the people closest to me. And, in many ways, I plan to make changes in those areas.

A Plethora

2008-11-26T08:09:00.001-08:00

I had wanted to write this before now, but I didn't get around to it. So I compose this at this time in my life when the lesson seems even a little more real.

I have questioned how non-believers do it. How can they deal with the pain in life without knowing there is the providence of an almighty God that orchestrates our lives, even in the midst of trial? I do not know how I could survive without that hope.

I had wanted to write about how past situations did not work out as planned but it was phenomenal how they had all culminated into something better. And yet, as I sit here writing, I realize that that culmination may have been a temporary one. Or maybe not...it's all a part of trusting God's plan.

One of the girls I had connected with in Chicago added me as a friend on Facebook the other day. I don't know how she found me, but there is something sacred in the desire of a child to stay in touch with a person who was in their lives, even if only briefly.

As I am in the editing process of my CPE application, I have had to reflect on my life story and my faith development. At first it seemed a daunting task, but as I took to the keyboard, the words flowed and essays developed that showed the rich tapestry of God's work in my life.

In the past few years I have often compared myself to the Israelites. How often we look at them and think they were ridiculous in their often wayward trust in God. Yet, we have the whole story of that time in history and we see the end of the story where God did not abandon them, even after they wavered in the strength of their faith and devotion to him and questioned him like crazy. How much like an Israelite am I! I question and struggle and God pulls me through, only for me to question and struggle again. Again and again I wonder how God could let such and such happen. It was in recounting my personal faith journey over my twenty-six years that I began to see more of the continuous story in hindsight.

Allow me the opportunity to indulge myself in some contemporary country pop culture. Trace Adkins sings a song, "You're Gonna Miss This." Last May, as a I drove away from the house of the children that I had baby-sat for the past year and a half, thinking it was my last time watching them since I was moving to Reidsville, that song came on. I cried.

But I was able to return. We never know when God will give us the blessing of returning. Sometimes leaving isn't permanent.

There are many life opportunities that we all miss, but cherish deeply. Here are a few of mine:

~playing scrabble with the residents at My Brother's Keeper in Waco, Texas
~praise and worship nights at Campus Crusade
~feeling the prick of tears when 'The Servant Song' was sung as my divinity school experience was coming to a close
~having my writing class hear my fictitious obituary in which at 93 I took bullets to the chest to save two young school girls (I am very creative!)
~meeting him in person for the first time, neither of us quite able to look each other in the eyes yet, and then he grabbed my hand and I could hardly form a thought

Those are just a few memories, though many inconsequential in the big scheme of things, that have formed a tapestry for my life. They are a somewhat random collection of the little things God has allowed me to experience.

I have known for a long time that when I give my heart and devotion, I give it strongly. I am a fierce fan of loyalty as I have seen my father demonstrate it time and time again and has unknowingly taught me to be the same way. Though I am often a jerk, I come back to the place and people where loyalty is real.

Matters of the heart are difficult because they are the core of who you are. For most of my life others have had a strong directing in the matters of my heart. I would offer it, it would be given back, and I would cling to what I did not have. There has been the unconditional love of family and friends that I will always cherish. There is the unconditional love of God that I daily struggle to comprehend, though I can never fully comprehend it.

God gives us free will. I have questioned how the free will of others can affect our ability to exercise our own desires.

This is a place of hurt right now; a valley. Less than a year ago I was a full-time student, working three part-time jobs, leading a youth group, and driving like crazy to different job interviews as I struggled to understand the life transition from 8 years at Campbell to a new phase in life.

Now, not quite a year later, I am still in transition mode. I suppose in this life we are always in transition mode from one season to another. I have no clue what's next. I have no clue what people will be the most influential to me in this next part of life. I have my hopes, but I have to surrender them to God, even when that scares me. But after all, I should learn something from my comparison to the Israelites of the Exodus.

And the crazy thing is, I may look back on this time one day and realize that I do, in fact, miss it. Not every part, but some parts. Since I am such a relational person I know that even in the midst of the circumstances, I will always love those who were a part of my life story, even in this. It is my prayer that they continue to be a part of it.

A Request From a Republican

2008-11-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

This election has been going on for a very long time; long enough for people to get really fired up about their candidate. Since the results came in I have seen many responses from many different people.

Conflict comes when people deeply care about an issue but see the solution in different ways. I did not vote based on not wanting the poor to be taken care of or not being the "right kind of" Christian. Rather, I saw my vote as what would be best for our nation.

Fellow McCain voters, we need to take the time to work through our frustration and dissapointment and embrace what lies ahead.

Those who voted for Obama, if he had lost you would be frustrated and maybe a little hurt too. This process has been too long for the feelings of the McCain supporters to go away overnight. To those of you who have used such tactics, please stop putting Christians in quotations or throwing us Bible passages. We are human, we must process.

At the same time, fellow Republicans and/or McCain supporters, please stop throwing Bible passages at those who support Obama. Why are we using the Bible as a tool of combat for politics? We believe and obey the Bible, but lately our usuage of the Bible has been to make our own points and the Bible wasn't written so we could use it to push our own agenda....unless our agenda is completely God's agenda with no man-made interference and I don't see how any human being can claim that.

Obama supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Democrat because of the poor.

McCain supporters, please don't believe that it is the Christian duty to vote Republican because of the unborn.

It is a Christian duty to care and act on both of these issues- and tons more- in a godly and self-sacrificing way. A vote can be a start, but that does not mean either vote is the best or only way to fulfill one's calling as a Christian.

In heated times such as these we all say things before thinking; myself included a million times over.As much forgiveness and compassion as we expect from other people we must be willing to show ourselves.

I do not fault people for being so emotionally involved in politics....because I know I am. I know I have said things that aren't the most diplomatic or polite out of frustration.

At the same time, no one should expect either side to heal from this division overnight.If it takes me a while to process and accept this whole ordeal, I ask you for that time.

If I fail to show compassion and express hope, I ask you to point that out.

I Know, I Know.....Obama Won

2008-11-04T20:40:00.000-08:00

Obama is about to take the stage. I'm a competitive person, so it is with frustration that I see this happen.

Let me explain. I used to be quite the Obama supporter. Back in the Spring 2007 semester that I spent in Chicago I was an ardent fan of this potential president, now turned president elect.

But then I wasn't ok with much of what Obama said and did.

Please understand that I do not come from a monetarily wealthy family. I'm working two part-time jobs, one for minimum wage. I have debt. I have health insurance that is so bad that I went to an appointment and the counselor suggested we bypass the insurance and use a sliding pay scale, which would limit the amount of visits I could have. And yet, still my insurance costs went up- even with no medical issues or hardly even using the insurance.

Oh yes, I understand the plight of those who just want health care.

I also understand the pleas of sincere, progressive Christians insisting it is our duty to take care of the poor. But for every minute you spend telling me that it is my duty to vote with the poor in mind, please spend ten times as many minutes coming to my church telling me why it is important that we make caring for the poor personal and a true job of the church. Let us not shrug off our God-given responsibility of the church onto the government. I believe the church and the government should care for the poor, but I have a problem when people seem to think marking a ballot is fulfilling their duty to care for the poor.

I can do more as a Republican dedicating my life to ministry to and with the marginalized than voting democrat and returning to my suburban middle class cul-de-sac.

Oh, I know, not everyone is like that. There are amazing ministers- lay and clergy- voting democrat who deeply care for the poor. I'm just making some comments on how we seem to look to Obama as some kind of savior.

So, I ask....how do I approach this in the right way? How do I live without annoyance, without ridicule in my mind toward those who really believe Obama can work miracles without raising taxes, and without the quiet hope that soon people will see past his smooth-talking rhetoric to a mere human like the rest of us?

There, I just showed my weakness. I ask how I can get past those things and I still try to get one last jab in.

There are a million reasons why my current financial state would lend many to think I would vote democrat, but I don't. I made my mistakes, I've sought forgiveness, I'm trying my best to trust God and work hard to get out of this mess. I wish that other people had a similar work ethic, but I can't make anyone take pride in what they do. But I guess the government can make me contribute to financially supporting them.

Ok, I know there are plenty of people who really do need help, but there are too many people manipulating the system at the expense of people paying for it for me to feel completely good about taxes in the hands of democrats.

Maybe that's a failure in my thinking, maybe I'm wrong in that. Maybe I've lost some of the compassion I had from my inner-city experiences....I don't know.

I do know that as I see Obama take the stage just now that there is something about him I don't trust.

But as I complain people see Obama as being some kind of savior, maybe I've been guilty of treating the idea of someone other than Obama in office as a kind of savior.

So, I'm going to stop treating politics like the answer to the world's problems. A man-made institution can never solve man-made problems.

It's time to more strongly live what I believe.

I Play It Safe

2008-10-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

Whenever my dad vacuums he makes really neat patterns on the carpet; long, neat triangle looking shapes. I don't do it that way. When I vacuum at the bookstore it is a hodgepodge of marks resulting from just trying to get up the debris.

Nothing about my life seems to be neat. I'm not talking about my messy car trunk or disheveled closet, I'm talking about the bigger things.

Is faith messy? Maybe so. It's certainly no exact formula for me. To chronicle my faith journey, I find that there have been unexpected twists and turns all along the way.

I play it safe too often. I played it safe tonight. I stopped ringing people up on the register at the bookstore because if one more person hadn't used their free punch card I could have failed to meet a sales goal. I could have taken the chance, but I didn't. Instead I vacuumed the floor in a plethora of patterns.

Is ringing people up on a cash register really what I'm getting at? Sort of. It's kind of a picture of what I feel in my life right now...afraid of taking chances.

I've got these interviews- two with churches. I've also got some other options that seem easier; things I don't question my ability to do. Because church jobs are a big deal...you know, dealing with people on a deeply personal and spiritual level and being a wise, godly leader to them. I know God equips who he calls and I am trying to trust him in that on a new level.

Some might say I haven't always played it safe. I did move to Chicago for a semester, but that was kind of safe too, because I knew I would be moving back. I have done some pretty daring things, but there was always the safety of coming back.

So maybe that's why this whole situation scares me, because there's no going back. For years I went to Campbell, getting two degrees. I always had the loan money to fall back on, but now I'm no longer a student and the loan money isn't there. It's payback time. The safety net of "I'll take care of it someday" is no longer there because that someday is the present.

And I scare myself because I never had to take it seriously. I could shrug off the warnings, I could make dumb mistakes. I could frustrate my parents because I knew it would work out....but it didn't work out the way I planned.

What is this life? Harry Emerson Fosdick wrote a sermon entitled, "Handling Life's Second-Bests." My preaching professor in divinity school told my class about that sermon, but I never got around to reading it. I feel that I should now.

I'm a fan of easy answers. Who doesn't like simple solutions to fall into their lap? But there is no simple solution this time....there is hard work and trust and overcoming anxiety.

And I have felt anxiety. The days I go into work at my part-time fast food job are the days I often take my medicine. It's not a high stress job, but the fact that I'm there at this point in my life is very high stress. Who has a masters degree and works for minimum wage cleaning a restaurant at 12am?

I am not in poverty, but I have never understood better than now. That silent plea for something better, for something that makes life easier. Oh I know, I have God and I know he is my provider, but I am still reaping the consequences of what I've done.

I'm very much concerned about the future because I have no idea what to do. I try to read a book and I find myself just going back to begging God to show me what he wants me to do.

I have been very honest.

I have also been somewhat melodramatic. Don't get my wrong, there are many, many good things in my life. Things that make me smile and laugh and sing. Things that make me excited about tomorrow and lead me closer to God.

I know all is not hopeless. There is very much hope. God is showing me that hope.

I Guess I Represent Moody

2008-09-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Guess what! I'm in a photo on the Moody Bible Institute website and I didn't even go there! Check it out!

The picture is actually taken on one of the beaches of Lake Michigan in Chicago. Melanie, a Moody grad, is the girl next to me whom I met the previous summer while out in the suburbs. The other girls are her friends I met while I interned in Chicago.

Oh, Lifeway

2008-09-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

I had a customer ask me if we had any copies of Gospel Today Magazine available in the store. Upon a quick search of our inventory, I told her we did not. She replied that they were most likely bought out from our store, "Probably because of what Lifeway pulled."

Being a Campbell University Divinity School graduate, I had to know more. She continued to explain the basics of what is found in this article.

Gospel Today's current issue features five women ministers on its cover. Many people will realize that Lifeway is affiliated with the Southern Baptist Convention, which does not support women in many church leadership roles. According to the article, Lifeway stores chose to remove the magazines from the main sales floor and opted to keep them behind the counter.

I found this situation interesting. While I may not be as liberal in my theology as past fellow students I have known (and whom I greatly respect), I am still thankful for attending a divinity school that supports women in the ministry.

Bookseller

2008-09-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

Today was a crazy day at work. I hesitate to say bad day because it was actually pretty good. I am so thankful to have a job that does not involve washing dishes.

So, I stepped behind the register and the madness began. The new manager-in-training arrived today and my manager spent most of the day training her. That's all kind and lovely, but that left me...one week into the job....alone with a growing line of customers.

That wouldn't be hard except the phone was ringing, the line was growing, and the computer stopped working properly. So, I meandered through it as best as possible. One lady must have decided she didn't want me to scan her purchase, because she put her book down and walked out. I'm so glad my manager didn't see that.

I am supposed to meet a 90% goal on customers who use our Family Perks card. A lot of the individuals during my mini-rush didn't have one. Since it was taking so long already, I decided not to ask for their names and addresses. That's one quota I did not meet today.

Things improved and I even got some coffee during my break. But then I spilled it on my white shirt...twice.

I went back to work and found out a man I had talked to on the phone earlier in the day had come in for the books I told him we had- which the computer showed me we did. But none of the sales associates could find them and he left before I came back. Ok, so I learned my lesson about basing inventory on a computer and telling customers we have items in stock without physically going to the bookshelf and looking.

That would have been a great lesson to learn before I did it again. The ladies had come all the from Raleigh. Earlier in the day the computer had shown that we carried 6 of the item they were looking for. Usually with a number as big as that you can assume they are there.

So in the ladies came and no, no one could find the boxes of cards they wanted. A co-worker called various stores, another co-worker and I scanned the shelves and the computer and there appeared to be no indication that the cards were in the store. I felt rather embarrassed and apologized more than once. Finally, when all seemed to be gone in the hopes of finding the cards, one of the ladies found them in another section of the store. I was relieved.

I ended up doing better with my MO (member only items) sales than I expected. We're supposed to meet a goal of 25% with those and I earned about 44%. That made my incredibly low Family Perks card number not look so bad.

With all the craziness of the day, it's not to say there weren't some funny points. For instance, I was carrying a stack of books to the teenage section when I read that the forward was written by Chuck Norris. I stopped in my tracks and laughed. The book's title? "Do Something Hard" which of course is even funnier because that's exactly the kind of title Chuck Norris would write a forward for! (FYI: it was a book about battling mediocrity in the teenage years. But I could still see Chuck Norris staring straight into a studio camera and saying...."Don't be average. Do something hard." It's just funny that it wasn't...."Be Your Best" or "Living Without Limits." Nope. It was straightforward- "Do Something Hard.")

I also gasped out loud twice when I got excited about two new books. Rob Bell came out with another title. I never either of his first two, but I was excited.

Anyhow, I rather enjoyed my day at the bookstore. In my Dr. Scholl's shoes from Wal-Mart, I experienced a day free of foot pain.

Yea, I think I'll go in for another shift.

Another Interview

2008-09-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

I had the final phase of my interview with Caribou Coffee today and I had a lot of fun. I went in this morning and worked behind the counter, even though I had never been trained on anything. I picked it up pretty quick. Each employee working the register or drive-thru has a quota of specific coffee beans they have to sell. The manager was impressed because he said that he had never seen someone in an observation interview actually take a swing at selling the coffee.

I had a great time being a quasi-employee for about an hour and a half and at the end was offered the job. I would love to take it, but I don't think that the schedule can work with my Family Christian Stores schedule. Neither job has set days, since shifts and days vary each week. Both places want me more in the afternoons and evenings, so that doesn't work. So I'm gonna work Family Christian Stores, Bojangles on days off from Family, and try to find a career-oriented job! Seriously, if I am gonna get a dent in this debt, I gotta work more than part-time jobs!

But I do love working at the bookstore. It's totally my thing and I love discussing with customers about the authors they are buying as well as recommending products. If I could, I would work the next year just at these fun people-oriented jobs and then start a career. But alas, student loans call. So, please keep me in prayer that I can find something full-time.

I did pull an 8 hour shift at the bookstore today and I really enjoyed it. My brother and sister-in-law have been great for allowing me a key to their place in Cary so I don't have to wonder where I am gonna go for a few hours in between interviews, appointments, jobs, etc.

Anyhow, those are some updates for now.

New Job

2008-09-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

I started a new job today and I loved it. Of course, I love being around books. One of my biggest struggles is not stopping what I'm doing to read the back cover of an interesting novel.

I feel a million times better- and cleaner- working at Family Christian Stores as opposed to Bojangles. It doesn't take 2-3 hours to close the store and there is no grease.

I actually feel somewhat challenged (if not much) because I have sales quotas in several areas that I am supposed to meet. It's nice to have goals and more responsibility than just shoving bags of chicken out a drive-thru window.

My co-workers seem fun. There's one who got a full ride to Duke Law School! The only problem is that I'm new and didn't have the inside scoop on the inside jokes so I had to choose between making myself a part of them or stocking the shelves; I wanted to try both, but I think I succeeded most with the latter.

So, if you're hanging out in Cary, come on by the Family Christian Store..and please, use your Family Perks card and buy a members only offer.

Memories That Make Me Smile

2008-09-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

~Saturday night TV with dad and falling asleep before Walker, Texas Ranger was over

~the reaction of people when I showed up at the Jr/Sr with makeup on and my hair up

~the surprise birthday party at midnight during an overnighter at Camp Sonshine

~Friday afternoons in middle school

~Tuesday happy meal nights with Erin in college

~getting stuck in a library stairwell for 45 minutes at NC State

~phone operas with Jennifer

~an amazing walking tour in Charleston with Tiffany....and Brandon

~toilet papering a house with my best friend and our moms

~seeing Master of Divinity in a frame

~evening walks home in Waco with a friend

~trips to Oak Park, IL

~February 3 of my senior year of high school

~that week to myself back in the summer of 2004

~a trip to the Duke Chapel

~the ministry of books during that semester off

~multiple summers

~getting that first paycheck

~dancing with that guy in a bookstore in Maryland

~catapulting grapes off Grandma's deck with David

~games of war as a kid with the boys

~many other blessings God gave me

Just thinking about how awesome things have been so far and that they will continue to be. It's the little stuff, all added up together, that make a lifetime of memories.

What Do I Know?

2008-09-03T21:50:00.001-07:00

I'm going to be brutally honest here: I don't know what I'm doing.

I go between confidence in God's plan and depression. I know it's not always great to be so emotionally vulnerable, but I express myself in writing. Some people express themselves in dancing (I tapped for years and am not sure I exactly get that....to me, it's just fun).

The truth is, I don't know what to do. I don't mean this in the "I have a lot of options and I just don't know which one God would have me do" way. I don't even mean it in the, "I am not sure what I want to do, so I think I'll just take some time off for a while and just chill" kind of way. I mean it in the "I really, really messed up. I messed up so much that I gave up a great job because I couldn't afford to keep it. Now I'm back home and no one cares that I have a PR degree. Nobody is impressed with my efforts. I can't land a good job and I am facing the prospect of juggling part-time jobs at a coffee shop and a bookstore."

Right now I'm working in fast food. You wanna talk about humbling? Have the Assistant Dean, who was in your exit interview from divinity school, come through your drive-thru. Serve chicken to a few divinity school students who are already involved in sucessful ministries.

Some days I go into work and I want to cry. One day I did. It's a lonely thing because no one else I know is in the same spot. I read about old friends buying houses and looking forward to the weekend because they will have a break from work. I want a job where I look forward to the weekend.

People ask me if I found any jobs and after I reply "no" they smile and tell me that "something will come along" or "this is happening for a reason." I get tired of those answers. I should have tried harder. I should have been smarter.

I feel rather alone right now. My poor parents get the brunt of it. I go from being exceptionally high-spirited and optimistic to being edgy and despondent.

I don't even know what I want anymore. Not for now, anyway. Eventually I want to be back in the city. I want to live simply and work for biblical social justice....but let's face it, I can't even give up trips to Starbucks. What do I know about living simply?

I'm Pretty Sure God's There

2008-09-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

So, I saw this t-shirt once that tried to make a point. A student's prayer was written on it in which the youth asked God why so many bad things were happening in schools today. God's response was that he wasn't allowed in schools anymore.

At first I thought it was clever, then I thought it was absurd. Most Christians believe God is omnipresent, and yet we talk about him as if we can decide where he can and cannot go.

God not being allowed in schools? I don't think a man-made law can determine that. God is everywhere. It's kind of like when people say, "We're going to make a difference. We're gonna take Christ to [insert geographical/cultural location]." I don't think we take Christ anywhere he already isn't. I'm pretty sure God has been where we are going long before we started fundraising for the trip.

I realize most people don't think of the theological implications of such statements, but maybe that's the problem. Maybe we're a culture of people who don't think things through.

The Past Six Months

2008-08-25T23:02:00.000-07:00

The last half year has been an emotional one. Last February I found myself in my last semester at Campbell University Divinity School, part of the Campbell institution I had been a part of for just shy of 1/3 of my life. Things were about to change and I wasn't sure where I would be come May.

Not too soon after that a person very important to me exited my life and my heart broke in one of those ways that felt hopeless. That week I was traveling around North Carolina and up to Maryland for job interviews and I couldn't seem to stop crying in the car, even on the way to an interview in Baltimore.

As the months continued, I interviewed for a variety of jobs. The ones I really wanted to get were the ones I didn't get. Finally I chose a ministry position that I thought would be great. So I dealt with the emotions that came with being hooded by the Divinity School, walking at graduation, and seeing that Master of Divinity with Languages degree in my new Campbell diploma frame.

Shortly after that I said goodbye to a lot of people and moved to another town; my first job out of college. I moved into an apartment and I began to really embrace the town as my own. I started my job, it didn't work out, and I chose to resign and return back home.

I came home and frantically searched for a job, but it wasn't so easy. I finally landed a spot at one of my old stomping grounds: Bojangles. The humbling feelings that go along with that are vast. I soon turned 26 and found myself living at home with my parents and working in fast food. Sure, I had a masters degree, but that didn't seem to help the employment search.

I find myself working at Bojangles, trying to hide my face from fellow divinity school students. I don't want people to know that I just graduated and already am back home.

Each time that I have wanted to call myself a loser, God placed on my heart that I am not a loser because of who I am in Jesus Christ. The only thing that keeps me from giving in to thinking I've ruined my life is that Jesus Christ is my Savior. God's grace is so vast that it even covers every stupid mistake I have made over the past four years.

I am seeing ways God is working in my life, in spite of what I've done. My mom and I had a talk today and talked about how life never turns out the way people would like. That doesn't mean life is bad, but that sometimes reality is a bit different than our dreams.

Most people know Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A friend loaned me a book called "Why God?" It's a text diving into the subject of bad things happening to godly and innocent people. I don't ask God why he let me make mistakes, I ask how I could have been so stupid. God didn't do this to me, I did it to myself. So, did I forfeit the great plans God had in mind? I'm going to say no.

God is an omniscient God; he knew I would mess up. He didn't approve of it, but he knew it was going to happen and I believe he never once wrote me off as a hopeless case. In fact, if we look at the Old Testament we see God's faithfulness to his chosen people, Israel. We see him lead them, punish them for their sin, and then forgive them...over and over again. The whole time he never stopped leading them and loving them.

I really like the verses that follow Jeremiah 29:11. Verses 12-13 say, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." God was telling Israel that he was going to forgive them, that he still had plans for them, and that he was still there for them. In verse 14 God tells Israel that they will find him again and that he will bring them back from exile. I believe the ties to us today are evident.

I feel that God is leading me to seek him more. I'm a stubborn person and it took bringing me to my knees to cause me to remember that God is my supplier. Of course I knew it before, but I know it more now.

I wish I was better at trusting God, but do we ever get to the point of where we should be? I know God will make good of the wrong that I have done; I know that he already is.

John 16:33 tells us that we will have trouble in this world, which includes trouble of our own making. But Jesus also says that he has overcome the world, and that means he has overcome my sin.

There is a sun on the horizon and God is beckoning me to it. The Bible says darkness lasts for a night, but joy comes with the morning. The rays of the sun are shining.

A Dream Deferred Is Not A Dream Denied

2008-08-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

A smart friend once said that. Actually he wrote it as a theme in his senior synthesis paper from divinity school.

I really feel that I want to do missions. I want to spend some years abroad, but spend most of my life in domestic missions. I want to be able to go where God calls me and service in a variety of contexts with a diversity of people.

And then there's my own mistakes. On one hand I want to start doing missions now, on the other hand I want to make money quickly so I can pay off my debt and be able to afford a missionary's lifestyle. I'm not about having money, but right now much of me is about paying off my debt.

It's interesting how different our lives as Christians are. I am looking forward to the day when I will not be making a lot of money.

I have two interviews in Raleigh tomorrow with marketing firms. I believe these interviews are stops on my life path. That is not necessarily a bad thing.

God has a definite plan for me. Thankfully his grace allows for my mistakes and I know that in spite of those mistakes God still carries out his plan and his goodness, in my life and the lives of others.

Yes, my dream of being a vocational missionary may be deferred for now, but it is not denied. And if I am honest with myself, there are plenty of ways to be a missionary now, they're just not what I planned. But God has long been in the business of showing that his plans are better than man's.

Twitterpated

2008-08-06T19:47:00.001-07:00

I was considering no longer posting my blogs on myspace and sticking to blogspot, but it's interesting to get comments from two different audiences, so I'll keep with it.

Also, I started using Twitter. I'm not sure how this is all that much better than a Facebook status or an AIM away message, but I decided to try it. Check it out: twitter.com/rebeccalee726

On the Topic of Debt

2008-08-03T12:58:00.001-07:00

I kind of think President Bush and I have some things in common. For starters, we both had great ideas, but we failed to manage them appropriately.

Eight years ago I was a newly-turned 18-year-old about to embark on my college career. I had a scholarship and ambition and I knew I was smart. Not just in that 'I can do college' kind of way, but smart in the 'I am going to do amazing things' kind of way.

My dreams didn't materialize the way I planned. I put more emphasis into hanging out with friends than studying, so my grades were average. This trend continued through divinity school. I never accomplished what I wanted to with my grades.

Good thing a life is not defined by a GPA. I discovered my love for urban ministry and I found a new passion for ministry. But I had also discovered the excitement of spending money. Although I was always far from poor, I never grew up being able to spend money at will. So, 4 years ago when I discovered that student loan money could be used for anything (regardless of the ethical implications of that, just the fact that it was able to be used for anything) I went a little crazy. I could buy things, I could have more of the things that I wanted.

I knew I would have to pay the money back but even $25,000 a year was more than I had ever made. Surely if I was surviving on part-time jobs with the bills I already had, I could pay larger bills with a larger paycheck. So I continued to make financial mistakes.

I am out of school now and I have immense debt. Most of the debt is for school, but an irrationally large chuck of it is because I made really bad mistakes. I'm with my parents while I desperately search for a job, even if it's not what I want to do with my life.

I am convinced that I will one day be able to do what I want to do. And although my life has taken a different turn than I expected, I believe that I can fulfill God's will right now, even when I'm not living in the inner city. I believe his will for me is to always grow closer to him, and for now, to work my way out of debt. I'm 26, this can be done. I can be out of debt and I can show people that I made really dumb decisions, decisions that had consequences, but trust in God and hard work was what got me out of the mess. Until someone chooses to refuse a life of financial dependence and debt, they cannot change the cycle for children and grandchildren.

I don't believe that God wanted me to go in debt so I could one day help other people. I believe that I made stupid choices, but God is still going to work in my life in spite of them.

So, about the Bush thing. No, I didn't lead a nation to war, but I strained family relationships. No, I didn't make decisions that plummeted my approval rating, but I have let myself and others down. No, I didn't make decisions that had world-wide impact, but my decisions are severely impacting my world.

I believe Bush was striving for good. We know that other candidates, even Democrats, approved of the war at first. But I also believe there was mismanagement. Likewise, I believe that I wanted to make good choices, but I ended up mismanaging what was available to me.

It is my prayer that I work harder to be a good steward of everything God has given me.

A Brief History of July 26

2008-07-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today being my birthday, I thought I would share a brief history of this day. With the help of The History Channel website and my own life experiences, I have come up with a list. Some of the events are really important, others aren't so much, but they're still fun!

Interested in what happened on your birthday? Also check out "The Timetables of History." An earlier edition was one of my textbooks my junior year of high school and it was amazing.

On....

July 26, 1775: the US Postal Service was established (sorry for the junk mail).
July 26, 1797: John Quicy Adams tied the knot.
July 26, 1908: the FBI was founded.
July 26, 1931: grasshoppers overstepped their bounds in the Midwest.
July 26, 1943: Mick Jagger was born.
July 26, 1945: Winston Churchill resigned.
July 26, 1947: Truman signed the National Security Act.
July 26, 1964: Sandra Bullock was born.
July 26, 1982: I was born.
July 26, 1988: My mom debuted her awesome pink elephant cake for my 6th birthday.
July 26, 1993: I went with my family to see Free Willy for my 11th birthday.
July 26, 1998: This day included one of my most significant experiences with God, it was my 16th birthday.
July 26, 2003: This was my favorite birthday ever! I turned 21 (and no...I did not get drunk).
July 26, 2004: I celebrated my birthday with a trip to the zoo....who does that for their 22nd birthday??
July 26, 2005: I turned 23 in Waco, TX. It was the summer I served at Mission Waco and my passion for biblical social justice began to take root.
July 26, 2006: I turned 24 in Chicago! I love that city.
July 26, 2008: I turned 26 on the 26th and wrote this blog.

Let me know what awesome stuff happened on your birthday!

Money Management

2008-07-12T19:57:00.001-07:00

Ok, so the government isn't totally to blame. Sure, I think they took too much of my salary, but I wouldn't need it so much if I hadn't made huge financial mistakes in the past that have put me into so much debt.

I like this quote (summarized and probably not word-for-word): "God provides food for all of his birds, but he doesn't throw it into the nest."

I'm gonna trust God and work hard.

Feel free to hold me accountable.

Bills are Due!

2008-07-11T21:15:00.001-07:00

I am back in Harnett County.

I am desperately on a job hunt.

If you have any resources/connections/suggestions....please let me know!

I Vote Repubican...Or Democrat....Or Whoever Will Lower My Taxes

2008-07-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

I am frustrated. As many of you may know by now, I resigned from my job. I simply could not meet my bills, especially my student loan payments, on my salary.

Here's what makes me mad: taxes are the reason I have to resign my job.

I guess I was too naive. I was making $25,000 a year. I figured I could count on $2,000 a month because that would total $24,000. I didn't think they would take too much money out of a salary that small. I was wrong. The government is taking about $5,700 a year out of my paycheck. Were they taking out what I anticipated, I would have about $500 a month more and I would not have severe money issues. I would easily be able to pay my bills.

I'm not talking about living more simply so others can receive assistance. I am talking about not being able to keep a low-paying job myself so the government can have my money.

I know the Republican Party is flawed, both parties (and a bunch of smaller, less influential parties) are. Many Republican candidates no longer seem to be about lower taxes and smaller government. But I am going to seek out candidates that do lower taxes, candidates that stand for the traditional values of the Republican Party. However, I agree that sometimes Democrats will do a better job. Regardless of who lowers my taxes, if I am going to follow Jesus' command to care for the poor, I have to be able to keep a job so I have money to give.

A Shift in Focus

2008-07-05T17:56:00.000-07:00

So, how I approach theology has changed a bit since divinity school. True, it hasn't been quite two months since I graduated, but I can already see some changes.

For instance, toward the end of my divinity school career I was very concerned with the liberal vs. fundamentalist debate. Terms such as postmodern, moderate, emergent, and other words peeked my interest.

I admit, they still do to some degree, but as I am trying to figure out why God has put me here in this small, rural town, I realize that a good definition of postmodernity does nothing to help the people in that incredibly poor section of town buy food. Arguing liberal vs. fundamentalist theology is not empowering the regular visitors of social services.

I think there is a place for those debates, and I think many people are called to deeply explore them. I believe some people are definitely called to the ministry of questioning and engaging in issues of theology.

Sometimes I feel like I am shallow if I am not engaging in these debates, but that's not the case. When I think of ministry, I think of it as being holistic. Part of that definitely involves deep conversations about theology, but some of that also involves meeting people's needs in simplicity. Sure, I enjoy a good theological debate every now and then, but for me to effectively minister to those I'm now daily encountering, I need to be able to share Christ in layman's terms.

I still think it's very important to understand theology and decide what and why you believe what you do about the Christian faith. At the same time, I am realizing that it's not always necessary to use multi-syllable theological words to share my faith and views. I am learning to share my faith, and my theology, in simpler terms.

Please know, I am not undermining the importance of deep theological study and I respect those who regularly undertake that task. I often do enjoy exploring theology and engaging in theological debate. But I also think there is a time and place for ministry involving more basic conversation. Yes, there are definitely times when my ministry involves exploring deeper theological issues, and I am trying to find a balance.

Small Town Update

2008-06-25T17:39:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged, but I don't have to tell you that. So, where have I been all this time? Still in the same town, though my outlook is very different.

Perhaps you've heard of the phrase 'a dark night of the soul'? Well, I don't think what I've gone through is that drastic, but depression was very much an issue.

It's hard to go from a very familiar place, surrounded by friends to a two-bedroom apartment all by yourself and no clear direction in your job.

I'm not going to go into details, but I have been praying and I know people have been praying for me and I've been hungry for Scripture in a way I hadn't been in a while. The other night I was looking up phrases like 'lonely' in my concordance and finally started reading the book of Job. I've cried, I've prayed, I've gotten angry. I've even questioned whether or not I made the right choice in moving here.

Don't get me wrong, there are things I love here. I am starting to get more accustomed to my job. Though I still don't know how to grow a youth group out of no youth, I do know that God is in control. I pray that he will bring the kids he wants to come and I have to trust him for that. The Holy Spirit does the prompting, I'm just a vessel.

Trust me, there have been plenty of opportunities to laugh. Here are a few:

-going to a small town council meeting. "Reidsville...in the house!"

-seeing a fence with a giant welcome sign and a small no tresspassing sign right beside it

-eating at a second resteraunt that had brains on the menu

-being told the confederate soldier made of stone in the middle of town is a 'monument', not a 'soldier statue'

-trying to buy coffee after 8 at night or animal crackers on a Sunday morning- nothing's open!

-having a 4-year-old at church who named one of his toy cars 'Snot Rider'

-having a patriotic service on JUNE 4

-taking Bella on a walk down Main Street, having the leash break, and carrying her like a baby back up Main Street, around the corner, past City Hall and the police station

-taking Bella on a walk down Main Street with her new leash and deciding to clean up her poop in Bank of America's front lawn even though they charged me overdraft fees

-going door-to-door to advertise our children's and youth programs and having a dresser on someone's front porch fall on me

Oh, there are many other things. But I suppose the most significant thing is a serious thing. It's how God is teaching me to rely on him in a way I haven't had to in a long time.

I may not like not having a roommate or a job where I am not sure what to do next, but God is walking me through it. And for that, as well as other things, I am thankful.

Small Town Living

2008-06-02T19:14:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting on the floor of my living room surrounded by a bunch of stuff that should be put away. I've been here since Wednesday and it has been pretty good so far. A special thanks to my mom for cleaning the bathroom (you have no idea how bad it was) and putting shelf paper in my kitchen cabinets. I'd also like to send a shout out to my dad, his friends, and my brother for moving in heavy stuff.

The day I got here I kept telling my mom how excited I was to get a library card, so that was one of the first things I did the next day. I think she thought I was a little strange. I mean, we're not talking about Chicago's city libraries here. I've also been to the city hall, the coffee shop, various establishments and driven around town, getting the feel of this rural location. There are beautiful historic homes and downtown is extremely cute.

My friend Rachel and I even ate at the Sanitary Cafe where they serve brains. Yea, you totally read that right. Large brains and small brains and I said, "What do they mean by that??" apparently really loud. You can get brains with other foods and it sits on the menu like it's self-explanatory. Is it normal to have brains on a menu? Wouldn't it be a little more normal to at least say pig brains? Or cow brains? But to just say brains....I mean, you don't have to be from a DC suburb to think that's weird.

The street my apartment is on has several apartment complexes and nice family homes. Both sides of the street have a bike lane and most evenings you can see people out riding bikes, walking dogs, or just walking themselves. You also don't see older women carrying sticks. Back in Maryland they carried sticks. I always assumed it was to ward off an attacker, so I guess my new place is a little safer than the 'ol DC suburbs.

I do miss living with other people, I'm too much of an extrovert. Bella keeps me busy because she chews on everything, so it is kind of like having a two-year-old with me.

I'm suprised by how much I like small town life. Of course right now it is still a novelty, but it's proven fun so far. I'm not far from Greensboro and things here in Rockingham County are a whole lot closer than in Harnett County.

I survived my first day of work and I'm sure I'll be able to update you on that soon. Don't hesitate to call or e-mail me!

Small Town News

2008-05-25T21:10:00.001-07:00

I realize that every journalist has to start somewhere. While I was a reporter for The Campbell Times as an undergrad I once had to write a story on the new bikes the Campbell security guards were riding.

So when I read this article I could understand if the reporter who received this assignment felt a little ridiculous. And yet, this is Harnett County, so I imagine stories like this aren't incredibly rare.

Did I mention I love the city?

Rural vs. Urban

2008-05-14T18:24:00.001-07:00

So, what are your opinions on this article?

Perspectives on Current Events

2008-05-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

I just got finished reading some entries from the blogs of Arloa Sutter and Edward Gilbreath, both located on my list of recommended blogs. Arloa is the Executive Director of Breakthrough Urban Ministries in Chicago and Edward Gilbreath is a Christian journalist/writer who wrote an amazing book entitled Reconciliation Blues: A Black Evangelical's Inside View of White Christianity.

I was reading Arloa's blog and discovered a serious problem I knew nothing about: school children in Chicago are being killed. According to her blog, 24 Chicago Public School children have died this year. One of the youth in Breakthrough's after-school program was hit in the head by a brick and is struggling for his life. One youth was killed in the park at Fulton and Albany. That is the park that was right by my apartment in Chicago, one that I walked past countless times.

I may not be able to stop the violence, but there are some things I can do. I can pray. I can tell you guys so you can pray. These kids are growing up in an environment where it's not cool to succeed and do well in school. There are gangs and drug dealers using kids as runners. So, even though you don't know the people in this community, and I don't know them anymore either, I ask you to pray. And I hope that this encourages us to look at social issues within our own community and then do something. It makes me feel like I should be headed back to the city, but I am trusting God that he is going to use me greatly in the town where I'm going.

Another issue is about Rev. Wright, Obama's former pastor who has made some controversial statements regarding race and America. Both Arloa and Mr. Gilbreath wrote blogs on this issue. I have to admit, I didn't understand everything and after reading excerpts from interviews and other people's opinons, I am understanding it better. Yes, Rev. Wright said some inappropriate things, but we (myself hugely included) have failed to understand it. Rather, we've trusted video footage edited together by the media, and I'm pretty sure we all know we can't always trust the media. Maybe Rev. Wright isn't the crazy racist we thought he was. And, as Mr. Gilbreath said, this incident has opened a great opportunity to talk about race and racial differences.

These are some heavy thoughts.

Rebecca vs. a mosquito

2008-05-08T09:27:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I'm just emotional from the process of beginning a new stage of my life, but I just had a very emotional exerpience with a mosquito.

He was in the bathroom and I had seen him before. I thought maybe my dad had taken care of him, but there he was again, sitting on a cabinet up on the wall. Mom was making me kill it myself since I had to be able to do it in my new apartment. I took a shower in the other bathroom. But I went back to kill the bug.

I hit him with a shoe and he flew into the bathtub, which caused me to scream and I think run from the bathroom. I went back in.

I don't know how long I stood there or how many attempts I made to scoop him up in toilet paper, but I began to tear up. I would bend to get him, then I'd stand back up again. His legs were long and I was scared they were going to touch me if I scooped him up.

Finally I smacked him again with the shoe, saw him looking quite smashed, screamed and ran out of the bathroom. When I went back in I just started crying. I was afraid to scoop his dead mosquito body up because I thought he might not really be dead and one of those legs would touch me. Finally I flushed him in the toilet.

There was a leg left in the tub. I leaned my elbows on the sink counter and cried some more. Then I flushed the leg.

Mom clapped for me and told me I did a good job. By this time I was on the computer and she asked me if I had cried. When I told her I had and she asked why, I started crying again and told her I hated bugs.

I'm doing better now.

The crazy thing is, when I was in my apartment on Chicago's West Side and thought someone was breaking in upstairs, I don't remember crying; I was rather calm. Yet, that mosquito scared the mess out of me.

Go figure.

Avoiding the Problem

2008-05-06T21:19:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was perusing travel books at Barnes and Noble. I suppose I wanted to pick a "fight" because I located the Chicago guidebooks and looked up the area I lived in last spring semester. I found Garfield Park Conservatory, which was just a couple blocks from my apartment and checked out what some of the guides had to say.

The general gist was to forego public transportation and drive yourself to the conservatory because the area around the conservatory was "blighted" and had high crime.

It was hard for me not to be a bit offended. Sure, there is plenty of crime, but there are plenty of amazing people.

Ok, I concede to the point that tourists who don't know where they are going probably shouldn't trapeze through East Garfield Park, but I think it goes further than that.

We live in a culture of avoidance. If it doesn't make us comfortable, we ignore it. I'm going beyond tourism here, I'm going to the heart of acceptance. We can't accept people we will have nothing to do with.

As Christians we are called to minister to the poor. After all, it was a major teaching of Jesus. I know that not everyone is called to the same ministry and there are many other economic classes that need the Gospel too. I don't think everyone is called to move to the inner city. What I am saying is nothing is going to change if we avoid what is difficult for our own safety.

This is a hard blog to write becuase I understand the importance of being smart and cautious, but I think that is so often used as a safety net.

But how do we approach ministry in the inner city? A lot of times we use language such as, "taking God to the city." Through the writings of others (though I wish I could credit this to my own insight) I have come to realize that we don't take God somewhere he isn't already, we are simply helping to show people that he's already there.

No, I don't think tourists should walk through high crime neighborhoods they aren't familiar with (especially if they are anything like the Washington, D.C. tourists I would see whenever I went downtown back home), but I think that Christians need to go against the advice of the rest of the world and "take the public transit."

And when we do so, we must be careful not to confuse ministry with cultural adaptation. I'm a middle class white, but that doesn't mean I'm going to take the ideas used for my youth group and apply them in a context where they won't work. But how does a middle-class white learn what does work? I think sometimes they get a bad rap for trying to make other cultures like them, when in reality, they are doing the best they can. I know when I first received my calling to social ministry I felt like I was looked down on for not knowing what I'd never been taught.

But there are people who are trying to change what suburbanites are being taught. We need people like Tony and Bart Campolo, Jimmy and Janet Dorrell and Arloa Sutter to guide many Christians in this ministry Jesus commanded of his followers.

Ministry is always two-way. After all, if God is already there, there are people who have seen him and they become ministers to us. As I read on a friend's blog once, pride is an easy load to bare when you think you're sent to save the city. Pride must be erased and then relationships can be formed.

I know sometimes I might come across as thinking ministry to the poor is the most biblical form of ministry. I don't mean to be that way. I'd be incredibly mistaken if I overlooked the importance of reaching everyone. It's just that I believe this is the ministry calling God has given me and it is hard for me not to be passionate about it.

If you want to read some provactive thoughts on urban ministry, check out "Their's Is the Kingdom" by Bob Lupton. It has been an incredibly formational book in my own experience. It's a super short book full of super short stories. I have a copy if you want to borrow it. And if you do read a few pages of it, let me know. I'd love to talk about it.

Seeking God's Will

2008-05-06T07:50:00.001-07:00

So the job search I began earlier this school year has culminated in my taking a position with the Salvation Army in a small North Carolina town. I originally went to this interview to "keep my options open." I was still seeking out Chicago and some other big city opportunities, but God surprised me in a big way.

As I was trying to decide on a ministry position, I really wanted to do God's will. That got me thinking because I realized that a main reason I wanted to do God's will was because I knew that would make me happiest. If I am where God wants me and doing what God wants me to do, I will be happier than if I were anywhere else.

So, do I want God's will just so I can be happy? I really had to rethink my motivation and realize that I need to desire God's will because it is serving God, not my own happiness. Of course I can take my own happiness into consideration, but that should be a byproduct, not the main reason for seeking God's will.

I know that I want to honor God and be used by him, but my concern for self so often seems to outweigh that.

So as I begin this new phase of my life- in a small southern town- I'm going to try my best to keep my focus on God, not me. And if I'm completely honest, a lot of the time that's a pretty hard thing to do.

One Month

2008-04-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

I graduate a month from today.

Except for a semester I took off in undergrad, I have been a student since I was five. But even during that semester I knew I was going back to school.

Last spring semester I was still a student, but was interning in Chicago. It was almost like not being a student, but I knew I was going back to school.

I've had many years of summer breaks, spring breaks, Christmas breaks, and fall breaks. But during those breaks I knew I was going back to school.

I think I know what job God has lead me to, but I don't want to announce it until I know for sure. I think it is finally starting to sink in, this leaving school thing. I mean, maybe I'll go back part-time one day, but my full-time, always having gone to school days are about to be over.

I returned from Chicago on May 1, 2007. I remember thinking and praying about the next year, which would include my last year of divinity school. In a few weeks that year will be up. Then a couple weeks later I'll graduate and very soon after that I will move.

I am used to going places, serving for a couple months and coming back. But not this time. This time when I am done serving where God has lead me, he will lead me to another place to serve. There has been a lot of opportunities to serve here at Campbell, not all of which I've fully taken advantage of, but there is a longing God has placed in me to serve in other places too.

As I have mentioned before, very close to 1/3 of my life has been spent at Campbell. It is going to be a change.

I am ready.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. ~1 Corinthians 2:9-10

Keep Those Presses Rolling

2008-04-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

I used to want to be a journalist, but I thought the hours were too unpredictable. I used to want to be a news anchor working in New York City, but that ceased to be my dream. Funny that I am going into the ministry- very unpredictable, and funny that I began to see my calling to urban ministry while I was in New York City.

Though I am not going to be a regular front page contributor to The Washington Times (ironic that I am mainly referring to print and I am including an internet link), there's something about journalism that will probably always fascinate me. When I watch movies that take place before television became mainstream, I am jealous that newspaper reporters were the ones to break the big stories. Rather now, newspapers have had to form a new identity: the source of in-depth coverage that television news can't provide. Yet, now even the internet is competing with that.

To explain my fascination with the media, consider what I did within minutes of Kansas' victory in the NCAA final game: I hopped on the internet to see how fast different news websites would publish headlines.

I was on The Campbell Times staff in undergrad and for the most part, I loved it. And let me say, with all the complaints against the campus paper, give those students a break! Yes, there are some errors, but they are still learning. I don't think you'd find a law student who could argue a case flawlessly or a pre-pharmacy student who could accurately detect every dangerous medication combination.

With newspaper readership on the decline, I find it comforting to see the Newseum re-open in Washington, DC. When I was in high school I made a few visits to the museum when it was in Arlington, VA. Very few museums offer such a range of interactive activities and I hope this museum will help more people understand the complexity of news coverage.

So next time you see a newspaper, take a glance at a headline. I'm not even asking you to read the article, just take half a second to appreciate the contribution journalists have made to communication.

I Saw My Mother

2008-04-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

It was in the bathroom of a church in Wilmington. I looked in the mirror. I saw my mother.

Well, of course, I am her daughter. It's natural that I would look like her. And yet, I used to wonder how I fit into the family.

David looks just like dad. I'm told I look just like David, but I think its just the red hair. If I did look just like David I would look just like dad, and I don't.

Some people say I look just like my mom, some people say I don't look like my mom. Our senior portraits from high school are very different and I thought I didn't look like my mom.

The rest of my family was very athletic. They all played catcher in baseball or softball sometime during their life. I was the kid who was just good enough not to strike out at kickball, but nobody's first pick for the team unless my best friend was captain.

Sophomore year I had the opportunity to fill in for an intramural game. I played catcher. True, most of the balls rolled past me and were picked up by the umpire, but I played catcher. I was excited.

My mom and grandma often call me by my aunt's name and it appears I picked up a lot from her. It appears I picked stuff up from my uncle on my dad's side. It doesn't appear I picked up as much from my own parents.

Sometimes I just feel like someone in my family. It might be a way I move my hands or how I feel when I'm speaking, but I will think how it is something David or mom would do. I feel how I think another family member sometimes looks. If that makes no sense, you're probably normal.

Yes, when I looked in the mirror that March day in Wilmington and saw my mother's face, I was happy.

Turns out I might not be adopted after all.

Up From the Grave He Arose!

2008-03-23T20:51:00.001-07:00

That is the first line to the chorus of my favorite Easter hymn. I love singing that line because it's so joyful and victorious. Much of the chorus has that determined marching sound. Another favorite is Christ the Lord is Risen Today. I got to sing both of these songs twice today.

Early in the morning my dad and I made our way to the Buies Creek Cementary where Buies Creek First Baptist and Memorial Baptist were having our sunrise service. When I first heard it would be in a cemetary I thought it was a little odd, but then I realized how incredibly logical and amazing it was.

We had a great service as the sun rose and people no longer needed flashlights to read the bulletin. The sounds of the trumpet in the early morning air added to the holiness of the moment.

Afterward we headed to Memorial's fellowship hall for a great breakfast and then my dad and I headed home. While he and mom went to Sunday School, I went back to bed! But I got up in time to go to the 11am worship service where we got to sing my two favorite Easter hymns again.

That afternoon we headed out to eat and then to the movies, followed by a trip to Barnes and Noble (I am my parents' child!). It was so great to spend time with my parents- who even got me an Easter basket! After a brief visit with my grandma, we arrived home and each kind of did our own thing (my mom and I watched a show and learned this technique for controlling emotional eating- very interesting!) and I hung out with Tyffany for a bit and then headed back home.

Last year I spent Easter in Chicago, so it was really great to be back with my home church this year. There was such holiness in the Easter celebrations. I'm incredibly thankful that God sent his Son to die and rise again to save us from our sins. I also love to read the Gospel passages containing the accounts of the ressurection. After doing an exegetical report on Luke's account for my preaching class, it is so neat to compare the different accounts. There's a lot to discuss in those passages.

This Easter was really great and I had a great time with my family.

Christ the Lord is risen indeed!

Procrastinating is....eh, I'll finish this thought later

2008-03-22T12:44:00.001-07:00

I decided to change the look of my blog. Sitting in the library for almost 8 hours on a Saturday gives me plenty of time to think about things like that. Of course it also gives me plenty of time to tackle the backlog of Church History homework I've let pile up or edit my senior synthesis paper, but I would rather not.

In general, doing the school thing seems to be something I would just rather not. I started the semester enthused about one last chance to pull my GPA up as high as it could go and then spring break happened.

Ever since spring break I have not cared about my GPA. When I didn't show up to my first class after the scheduled spring break I responded to my friends by saying, "I didn't feel like ending my spring break yet." Of course missing one class is not going to send my GPA into a desperate spiral to a 0.0.

I also dropped a class I was auditing because I really don't feel like sitting in class for 2 1/2 hours on a Tuesday afternoon if I don't have to.

Yes, I think that as far as academics go, spring break was one of the worst things that could have happened.

Life without a GPA. What is that? Gracious, you best believe I look forward to finding out.

The Early Hours of Good Friday

2008-03-21T02:52:00.000-07:00

The computer reads 5:52am. I have been up since a little before 3:30am. Isn't this only supposed to happen to parents and their newborns?

And yet, here I sit, quite awake. This tonsilitis is taking its toll.

I was thrilled when I realized I would have three evenings in a row free to do what I want. That rarely happens and I dreamed about going to Barnes and Noble and reading. Those dreams were quickly shattered.

I started to feel bad. Then it got better. Then I started to feel worse. Then my mom took me to the doctor.

Tonsilitis with the possibility of strep throat. But now it looks like its just tonsilitis. Being out for more than a brief period of time exhausts me and I find myself having to get back home to rest.

So much for that rest tonight. I had slept almost 3 1/2 hours when I woke up and have been awake since.

I've thought a bit about how on the Christian calender Jesus was being questioned at this time. He was being beaten and he knew what was ahead. And yet he stayed there, ready to give his life for us.

Fully God, he knew he would be ressurected on the third day. Fully human, perhaps the darkness seemed to almost veil the coming light.

As I took communion in chapel yesterday for our Maundy Thursday service, I knew I could only grasp a small peice of the holiness of the moment.

Easter is coming.

I Stalk Dogs

2008-03-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

And maybe I should be a tornado chaser.

I had a surprise day off of work today so I hit the road to the Barnes and Noble in Cary to do some fine reading of the lastest novel I'd started. Not too long into my retreat I began to feel achy and realized I must actually be getting sick.

I decided to go home, but on my way I saw two dogs frolicking by the road. Yes, it had started to rain a few drops and yes, I was feeling achy. But that didn't stop me from pulling off into a neighborhood and trying to coax the dogs toward me.

These were pretty trusting pups. The small one let me pick him up and the large one allowed me to hang onto his collar. I debated whether to take them to my car to call the number on one of the tags or whether I should take them up to the front door of the house that belonged to the driveway I was standing in. Deciding that I did not want to look like a dognapper should the family see me leading dogs away, I took them up the steps.

Poor big dog, he was old. After I got him up the steps (with which he seemed to struggle), knocked on the door, and released his collar, he went back down the front steps and I soon followed suit since there apparently was no one home. But now the big dog wouldn't come because he probably figured I would make him go up more steps. The little one was a follower and did whatever the big one did.

They ran off so I did what any daughter of my mother would do, I followed them in my car. I got out of my car once more and tried to get them to come back, but they did not listen. I drove around the neighborhood a bit more and not seeing them, I decided to leave them. It was their fault if they wanted to be in the rain and what I soon found out, was a tornado watch.

My anger toward the dogs soon turned to my anger toward a friend. I think most of my friends and family thought I was just dissapointed in how my relationship with this friend went, but in actuality it hurt with a pain I have rarely known in my life and I'm not sure when the last time was that I had cried that much.

Ok, yes, I had been a bit irrational, but he had been rather insensitive. It's not the first time I had noticed that about him, but I usually tried to dismiss it. I don't think he intends to be insensitive. I actually think that in his mind he doesn't connect his actions to insensitivity. I still respect him because he had been a good friend and there were glimpses of sensitivity once in a while. I'm not so angry now, but I still am a little annoyed by the boy.

Which brings me to my point of being a tornado watcher. As I learned there was a tornado warning in a nearby county and a watch in mine, I found it fascinating as I contined to drive down the back road, the sky gray and a storm on the horizon. I thought it might actually be neat to see a funnel. So says the girl who has never experienced a tornado.

My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place lately.

Interview Marathon, Lap 3

2008-03-10T16:23:00.001-07:00

This time I headed to Baltimore for a meeting on the city's West Side. I must say, the landscape was a bit more intimidating than Chicago's West Side. But then again, Chicago was pretty intimidating the first time I headed out there, so maybe I just have to get used to Baltimore.

The trip up to Maryland was eventful as I took a variety of unexpected turns. After missing my exit, I made an impromptu decision to check out the Stonewall Jackson Shrine I saw a sign for. Discovering it was closed, I continued on. After a few turns and a small gasoline spray from the Nozzle at the Wawa gas station, I continued.

Construction is a big business around DC and they did not slack off while I was away. Upon returning to the area I realized the interstate was a little different than it used to be and before I knew it I had passed the Pentagon, the Washington Monument, and what I think was the Jefferson Memorial and they were all way too close for comfort. I had done it; I had accidentally gone downtown.

I called Tiffany, exclaiming that I did not want to go into the ghetto. I avoided the way to Anacostia as best as possible (by going in whatever direction the signs for Anacostia were not pointing) and with the help of Tiffany and her mom I ended up on the Suitland Parkway and eventually to their house.

Why are you afraid of the ghetto if you were interviewing there, you may ask. Easy answer. I don't mind the ghetto when I intend to be there and I know my way around. However, frantically driving the streets at night was not something I wanted to do.

On the day of my interview I headed out and got a little turned around in Baltimore. Most people get lost in the bad section while looking for the good, but I got lost in the good section while looking for the bad. I passed by Camden Yards twice, but finally got to my destination. I did get a smile on my face as I was trying to get back on the right road and I got to drive on one of the Jetson-like bridges that goes way up in the air. Then I got to do it again on the right road! There's something about all those bridges criss-crossing in the air that makes me want to drive on them.

The meeting was great. It wasn't exactly an interview as they really wanted to see where I could fit in with the ministry. They are looking for someone to work with the youth at the church, particularly to lead Bible studies and teach girls. However, the position might not be in place by the time I graduate.

I had a great time with Tiffany and other friends while I was in Maryland. I even randomly pulled off I-95 on the way back to explore Richmond. Good times.

I am safely back from my interview marathon and am praying God opens and closes doors as he sees fit.

It's been a good journey.

Interview Marathon, Lap 2

2008-03-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

The second leg of my interview marathon was much more interesting than the first. This time I was headed to Wilmington, NC. On my way the pastor called me to tell me they were filming a movie outside of the church and I would have to enter around back. If you see a low budget film about Wilmington's race riots in the 1800s, I was by the set.

Anyhow, I entered Wilmington's historic district and was floored by how beautiful everything was. I planned to do some walking around after the interview, but decided to go ahead and go in.

I was early and the pastor was on the phone, so one of the administrative assistants and I go to talking. Before long we were in the hallway watching some of the actors put rifles in the hallway. Soon they were out and I sat down with the pastor who explained the church's vision for the residency; I was very excited.

Throughout the day I talked one-on-one with most of the staff and was worn out by the end of it. I mean, I really enjoyed getting to know them but I had been traveling on little sleep for the second day in a row all while trying to put my best foot forward. I now think I know how introverts feel. While talking to the Minister of Spiritual Formation we headed over to the activity center and I saw the youth room, otherwise known as The Cove. This was the most amazing youth space I had ever seen as there was a section with multiple flat panel plasma tvs on the wall, each connected to a different game console.

The church recently aquired the old county jail located directly behind them. This space houses social ministries and was defintely a place of interest during my visit. The main building was amazing and the sanctuary was beautiful. One of the buildings used to be an old infantry building and I was totally engrossed in reading the historic documents on the walls. I totally would love to spend the next two years of my life there because the staff is great and I really feel it is a wonderful and healthy congregation to begin post-graduation ministry in. We'll see what God has planned.

I didn't get to walking around Wilmington since I was ready to head home, but I did get to eat lunch a few blocks from the church at a seafood restaurant on the river.

Well, the third leg of my interview marathon was today and I'm rather tired, so I'm gonna keep this one shorter than the last, though by no means was it less interesting. Join me next time as I take a look my interview in inner city Baltimore and my rather interesting travel journey to Maryland.

Interview Marathon, Lap 1

2008-03-06T20:13:00.000-08:00

I've basically been a student all my life. Sure there were those first four years of my life and then that semester in undergrad that I took off, but I have never been faced with actually having to be out on my own with no return to school scheduled. Since I graduate in May, I figured I should look into the whole career thing. I managed to schedule three interviews in four days. Many things surrounding these occasions were marked with a randomness only I could draw out. Join me as I recollect interview one: Reidsville, NC.

I began my trek and soon realized Mapquest didn't feel the need to put in the last few turns. After stopping at a grocery store, I was directed to the Salvation Army Family Store. I walked in to a scene that can only be described as something from a movie.

The twangy country music of decades past drifted across the old thrift store building as rural customers perused the items for sale. The lady behind the counter looked just as you might expect in such a movie. I wouldn't have been surprised to see two guys in cowboy hats standing in the corner look at cassette tapes.

Click, click, click. The sound of my heels seemed even more apparent as I made my way across the hard floor. I didn't quite fit in with the townsfolk as I was dressed up for an interview. I asked where I might find the person I was looking for and was referred to another worker who offered to take me there himself. Now if southern hospitality is a real thing, I just saw it.

I followed him through town in my car and wound up at the Salvation Army offices. When I saw the Captain (whom I assumed had a military background to earn the title of captain, but he did not) it was like seeing Stonewall Jackson. I am not sure what Stonewall Jackson looked like, but I imagine he had the look of this Salvation Army Captain.

I thought the whole army thing in Salvation Army was just a name or that the organization had at least been modernized. Maybe a little, but not much. The whole uniform and officer ranking seemed a little outside of my field of interest. Yet, as I learned about the job I was applying for I realized it was exactly something I would like to do.

However, there was a problem. After I saw that his wife also sported a Salvation Army uniform I began to wonder how I would relate to youth in a white button down shirt with red straps on the shoulders. I managed to ask in as non-offensive a way as possible whether or not I would be subjected to the official wardrobe. I found out I would not; I felt better.

And then there was another problem: the city of Reidsville. I feel called to urban ministry and urban this was not. It was by far one of the most depressing towns I have ever seen.

Fortunately I had the opportunity to have lunch with a friend in Greensboro, so I could talk to her about the job before I headed back for the rest of the interview. I went to Moe's Southwestern Grill and they like to yell greetings to the customers. As I stood in line and heard repeated yells, I realized it was like getting in trouble every time someone walked in the door.

But there he was, standing before me and ordering a salad in a tortilla shell. He was beautiful and he looked about my age. I figured he must be married since I am in seminary and I am used to the guys who go into seminary, those who have been married by twenty-one. But as he cracked his knuckles I realized there was no ring. In true Rebecca fashion I appeared to ignore him and that was that.

By the time I returned the to Salvation Army (having gotten lost and calling the Captain for directions) I was feeling a little depressed. As many of you know my heart has recently been broken (probably stepped on by a cowboy boot and stabbed by its spur) and I began to see the town in light of this person.

As I drove home I cried. A lot. It was rather pathetic. I prayed, I cried, I listened to my new Beatles 27 number one hits cd.

I love the job description, but I don't love the town. I don't know that I could move there, which is alright because the next day I interviewed for a job that I would love to take. Stay tuned for the next leg of the interview marathon.

The Restaurant Formerly Known as Popeyes

2008-02-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

I would like to dedicate this post to someone very dear to me. May you always secretly like Blondie's "Heart of Glass" and never give up saving the pandas. You're right, they are cute.

Now for a great story.

For those of you from North Carolina, you probably did not grow up eating at Popeyes. The better alternative to Bojangles (Popeyes is international whereas Bojangles is only in select states), it is only found in a few rare places in The Old North State.

My friend Whitney and I headed to Fayetteville in search of some chicken goodness. We easily found two Popeyes locations online: the Raleigh airport and Ft. Bragg. Since we didn't have access to the airport terminals and my military privileges expired two and a half years ago, things didn't look good.

But there was hope! Through a Google search, Whitney found a Popeyes on Gillespie Street in Fayetteville. We started our trek.

Our trip involved a few shady parts of Fayetteville, but it was nothing we couldn't handle. We looked and looked and finally a familiar building caught Whitney's eye. It looked like a Popeyes! Or what was once a Popeyes. The sign was stripped and it looked vacant.

We had to investigate and find out if it was time to give up our Popeyes search. Upon entering the parking lot we saw that there were, indeed, cars. Then we noticed the large white signs on several windows with the cartoon drawing of an older man (who bore a strange resemblance to an aged Fat Albert) and the words "Fat Milton's".

That's right, we were in the parking lot of a Fat Milton's. Whitney bravely went inside to see if it had formerly been a Popeyes. While she went in I snapped a picture on my cell phone of one of the signs. When Whitney came out she informed me that it did used to be a Popeyes and that there was only one pan of chicken and a couple sides. Looked like Fat Milton wouldn't be fat for long.

As we were getting back into the car, a young gentleman approached the restaurant in a rather heavy fur coat. It being North Carolina, the heavy clothing item didn't seem necessary. Apparently I took too long getting the door unlocked as Whitney stood nervously outside my car. The young pedestrian took a rather shady look into the car beside mine and then proceeded to enter Fat Milton's.

We got out of there.

I needed to know if there was any more hope for a Faytteville Popeyes. I called 411 and the man informed me of the locations we knew about, including Gillespie Street. I asked him if he thought the one was actually on the base and he did. I asked him if he knew of any others in the area, he didn't. I told him the Popeyes on Gillespie Street was no longer a Popeyes. Whitney and I ate at Bojangles with a trip to Ruby Tuesday's for dessert.

You can't make up stories like this. Fat Milton's was beyond incredible. As we drove around the building to get away I noticed that only half of the drive-thru menu was still intact.

I have heard Fayetteville referred to as the armpit of North Carolina. While it does have some redeeming qualities, I think it's safe to say that we discovered that that nickname is rather appropriate.

Online Medical Advice

2008-02-18T17:24:00.000-08:00

I am a dork, I know this.

I like to go to webmd.com and use the symptom checker. Since I don't normally have strange diseases, I like to make up symptoms.

Tonight I entered what I thought were fairly normal symptoms. The last disease on the list of possible ailments was Mad Cow Disease.

Watch out for anxiety in your head brought on by emotional stress.

Advertising Marvel

2008-02-17T20:40:00.001-08:00

I was baby-sitting last night when I came across a knife magazine. I'm not sure that I've ever seen a knife magazine before, but it got me thinking.

About commericals.

Particuarly a Ginsu World Class commerical that aired when I was a kid. I could watch this knife commerical over and over as the blade cut through an iron pipe and a tomato. There was something about the swiftness that the actor had with the blade that glued me to the commercial.

It was amazing what you could get for a check or money order.

Happy Birthday Pops!

2008-01-26T09:15:00.001-08:00

Today my dad is 58. I could double my entire life and still not be as old as him.

Love you dad.

Happy Birthday!

Woosh!

2008-01-25T14:55:00.000-08:00

For those of you who know me pretty well, you know I can't stand it when people talk about how busy they are. I often feel like they are really telling you how important they are. Make no mistake, I am fully aware that working at Bojangles does not make me important. But the truth is, I have been rather busy lately. In the past few weeks especially, I have been asking questions on topics such as, What's the deal with my prayer life? Who am I really? How could Patches not have won Bark magazine's cover dog contest?

I admit, I have been flying around like crazy. This isn't one of those "poor me" blogs, rather it's a blog to let you know that God is doing something in me because a lot of issues have been raised in my heart and mind and it's not always easy.

Many of you know that I'm anemic, which isn't an odd thing to be, but coupled with all this running around, I've gotten really, really tired. I get annoyed when people say they're tired, but I honestly have been.

I do want to say that if I've neglected my relationship with you, I really am sorry. Sometimes now it feels like there's hardly any time to figure out things. Give me a call, we'll talk.

And I still think Patches should have won that contest.

"Correction, COUNTRY Ham Biscuit"

2008-01-07T15:40:00.001-08:00

Ok, I talked about materialism in my Christmas post, but can I say I still got exceptional gifts this year?

So about that title. I work at Bojangles. This is not my preferred place of employment, but the death of my old car and the purchase of a new one necessitated additional income and it needed to come fast. So, I applied to Bojangles because they were hiring.

There is a certain terminology, if you will, in being a Bojangles employee. They are anti-conjunction. We may not say "and", "with", and "or." You also may not say ham biscuit. I said ham biscuit into the mike and the girl beside me said, "Correction." So I had to say, "Correction, COUNTRY ham biscuit." You know, I'm pretty sure there's no city ham back there and we're in Harnett County, which pretty much implies country anyway.

My lifelong habit of saying "bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit" must cease during working hours, for it is a "egg, bacon, cheese biscuit." We cannot pluralize anything, so I have to say "2 sausage biscuit" which drives my grammatical side crazy. Don't even get me started on calling out for chicken breasts.

So, yes, I work in fast-food. Definitely not where I pictured myself when they ask you in high school, "Where do you want to be in ten years?" "Why teacher, I'd like to still be in school and working three jobs, one of which is Bojangles!"

Oh how God surprises us. But it's ok. I get my MDiv in May and I can do what I've been called to do full-time. But believe me, working at Bojangles is definitely a ministry.

Come get food.

Lillington Photo Correction

2007-12-27T19:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the picture in People magazine was probably taken at Ft. Bragg, but the girl is from Lillington. That's still cool- and random for a national magazine.

Christmas and a Car

2007-12-27T08:13:00.000-08:00

Christmas was really good. We had a small gathering and for the first time my brother wasn't here, since he was with his fiance's family in Tennessee. However, my family and I had a good time. We opened presents in the morning, had dinner in late afternoon, and after the others left, my parents and I watched some Christmas movies on TV. Late that night we sang Happy Birthday and had cake for my mom. Get this: My mom was born on Christmas and her maiden name is Gabriel. Fun, eh?

And of course there was the Christmas Eve service at my church. For a long time the Christmas Eve service has been one of my favorite parts of Christmas.

Gifts this year were light; nobody spend enormous amounts of money on anyone. And you know what? I like it that way. Buying expensive presents seems like a necessity until you just don't do it.

I am maturing in my understanding of Christmas. I have long since known it's about Jesus Christ's birth, but I've almost always tried to also buy the best gifts I could. Not doing that this year did make a difference in how I saw Christmas, and you know what? It's liberating. I feel that God is thinking, "I know that! I've known that forever! I am all about liberation! If you guys would stop being so materialistic, you'd experience more of that freedom!"

I know this may seem somewhat hypocritical since I just got done talking about simplicity, but my last car died and got junked and I had no transportation. I got a really great deal and bought a car. Nothing fancy, a basic 4-door (manual locks and windows even!) that will get me around. So, yea...my car troubles are over- except for those pesky payments! I now own a silver 2008 Chevy Aveo LS. I am so blessed to be able to have this car- trust me, I know this.

Well, I hope you all had a nice Christmas with family. Feel free to let me know how your Christmas was special.

Lillington in People Magazine

2007-12-23T20:19:00.000-08:00

So, here's something that surprised me. While perusing through the Best and Worst of 2007 edition of People magazine, I came across a section of photos sent in by readers around the nation. One of the photos was taken in Lillington, NC! It is the picture of a soldier's wife welcoming her husband home. How great!

Goodbye, Sweet Cavalier

2007-12-18T06:41:00.000-08:00

On Sunday morning my car died. Now my quaint little 2000 Chevy Cavalier has had a few problems in the past, but my family has found Chevys to be quite reliable. Still, my little four-door did not fair as well as others.

We actually got the car in late 1999 and it was a pretty big deal because the year 2000 was a pretty big deal. So having a 2000 in 1999 was pretty nifty.

But my first car did not live as long as most of our other cars. $100 and free towing is all my family gets for the car.

I am trying to see some positives. For instance, there was hardly any gas in the car when it died. I'm glad I hadn't filled it up that morning. And I will also be able to save on gas money.

True, it is kind of like being 14 again. I had to work at 8:30 but my dad had to work at 8:00 this morning, so I had to leave early. I love to drive and especially love driving back roads, but my trips to Cary must cease for the most part. Maybe, just maybe, I could borrow one of my parents' cars once or twice a month just to get to Barnes and Noble!

But for now I will spend more quality time with my parents as they drive me around and I am at home more evenings. I am determined to make the best of this.

I asked God to make my car fixable. Then I asked him to take care of my traveling needs. Then I asked him to make my car fixable. I even asked him to make my car fixable for under $100! He already knows my desires, so I just prayed them. So, maybe my car won't get fixed, but I'm pretty sure He'll meet my traveling needs.

May my parents and I not go crazy.

This Day in History

2007-12-18T06:05:00.000-08:00

Today is my third college graduation anniversary. On December 18, 2004 I walked across the newly renovated D.Rich stage and got a piece of paper telling me where to pick up my diploma. What did I do that night? Why, what any college graduate would do: I went to see the Raleigh Ringers, a professional hand bell choir, with friends. (Might I add that I had a wonderful meal with my family earlier that afternoon.)

Two years ago today a friend and I went to Barnes and Noble to see the juggling Rabbi. He was amazing and told Hanukkah stories and did different juggling tricks.

And so, with such random events two years in a row, I declared December 18 'Random Day.' Except I didn't do anything random last year.....and I don't plan to do anything random today.

But my nickname is Random, so maybe that's enough.

Raindrops Keep Falling On........The Bell Peppers

2007-12-17T05:35:00.000-08:00

So, I realize from my last post that I could sound like a fundamentalist. I'm sure if you go a few posts back to my views on the North Carolina Baptist State Convention and their policy regarding homosexuals, you'll see that I'm actually a moderate. Oh yea, then there's the fact that I'm a woman going into ministry. It's just that, we can have different views than someone in regards to theology or other matters and still say something when there's hypocrisy against that person.

Moving on, I went to one of the Ft. Bragg Commissaries with my mom the other day for some good family grocery shopping. I must say, the produce section was the highlight of the trip. As mom looked for appropriate vegetables I heard thunder. "What's that?" I asked mom. She told me it was going to rain...on the produce.

Sure enough, I soon discovered the misting action of the sprayers above the fruits and veggies. Every few minutes the sound of thunder (and I think lightning cracking) sounded from the section to be sprayed, and was audible throughout the entire produce section.

Ah, sweet tax dollars at work. But to be honest, there's far worse things they could spend tax money on than produce alarms.

Pretending to Be Gay?

2007-12-08T05:24:00.001-08:00

I've never been a "fan" of Jerry Falwell, but I thought I would give this topic some attention.

Years ago Falwell created quite a stir when he said one of the Teletubbies, a character on a children's television show, was gay. Critics laughed and basically said it's stupid to suggest such a thing, for a fictional character can not be gay.

Fast forward a few years and you get J.K. Rowling, author of the popular "Harry Potter" series, saying her character Dumbledore is gay. People responded with surprise, claiming things such as, "I didn't expect him to be gay!"

Seriously?

I don't care if she created the character. The argument was that a fictional character can't be gay. So why did the world throw stones at Falwell and accept Rowling for doing the same thing?

About That Strike

2007-11-27T18:55:00.000-08:00

If you don't watch TV, I'm not impressed.

While some people honestly don' t desire to watch TV, other people will tell you with an air of pride that they don't have time for it. It's as if being too busy to watch TV is a prerequisite for being important.

Almost everybody knows about the recent Writer's Guild strike. Maybe you've even seen a picture of Eva Longoria serving the writers pizza (though I'd rather see a celebrity serving food to the hungry). As a result, many people have come out and said that they are glad for the strike because now people will do better things with their time.

Maybe it's just my broadcasting background, but I feel that just because I carve out an hour and a half a week to watch my two favorite television shows doesn't mean I'm wasting my time. And what about when I watch even more TV a week than that? Maybe I actually learn something from my HGTV real estate shows and specials on The History Channel.

Maybe I make time to watch TV because it's something I honestly enjoy. If I'm found shallow for watching a few programs, then oh well. Sure some people really do waste their time by watching numerous hours of television a day, but that doesn't mean that everyone who watches TV is giving in to laziness and gluttony. And maybe there is a lot of trash on TV, but that doesn't mean everyone who catches a show is watching that stuff. Besides, the strike isn't going to end the television viewing of over-zealous TV addicts. They're still going to catch the latest re-run or reality show.

So if you're looking to tell someone that you don't care about the writer's strike because you don't have time to watch TV, please don't brag to me.

Harnett County Thanksgiving

2007-11-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

I never thought it could happen to me, and then it did: Thanksgiving in Erwin. Somewhere along the way of the last few years my relatives chose to leave the suburbs of D.C. for the pastures of Harnett County. Now my parents live in Lillington, my grandma in Angier, and my uncle's family in Erwin.

Life doesn't always make sense.

Last Thursday afternoon we pulled into the driveway of a quaint house on a quiet street. Could it be? Could Erwin actually look picturesque?

After dinner a few of us gathered on the front porch, while the rest watched football inside. We talked about my brother's upcoming wedding, the benefits of a simple life, and the way my Grandma can drive us crazy, even though we still love her.

As I gently swayed in my rocking chair, I thought about celebrities gathering around large banquet tables in extravagant houses. I felt like they were missing something.

Mom was right, I wouldn't be happy living in that neighborhood either. It was nice for a day, but the city beckons me come May. But I started to realize that Harnett County is more than tractors tying up traffic and redneck hunters shooting at fake deer. There are some interesting people here, and if I'm smart, I'll learn from them before my days in Harnett County are limited to the short visits home for more of these country holidays.

Christian Circles

2007-11-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

I have always been critical of politics in the church. Maybe that's why I laughed when I saw the book, Roberts Rules of Orders for Dummies. There is a part of me that detests the rigid formality that often results in anger and splits. Yet, as I have been studying the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) and the Baptist State Convention of North Carolina (BSCNC) in divinity school, I cannot help but be involved in church politics.

This weekend I took my youth to Fort Caswell, the BSCNC's retreat center at the beach, for a youth weekend. My cynicism came along too.

After all the judgement, crookedness, and political games in Southern Baptist Life, I found it hard to believe that BSCNC leaders were telling our youth to minister to and love those considered the lowest of the low by the world. It seems Convention leaders can't even love fellow Christians like that.

We preach one thing, and practice another when it comes to political strategies. The BSCNC is alientating itself from groups and schools because of its desire to take over. The BSCNC kicks churches out of its fellowship if there are two or more persons that report that a BSCNC-member church has homosexual members.

Focusing on the latter point, I believe homosexuality is a sin. I also believe stealing people's money is a sin, but Jesus welcomed a tax collector into his group of disciples anyway. This group was comprised of the twelve men Jesus was closest to during his three years of ministry leading up to his death and resurrection. The BSCNC can't even let a homosexual be a member of a church, but Jesus called a tax collector to be one of his closest friends. Both are what many have termed, "lifestyle sins."

Ok, I know, Jesus didn't call Matthew to continue in his dishonesty. My point is, he called him to be a disciple, a "member" of his closest group, while Matthew was still a tax collector. As Matthew was a part of this group, he learned how to be more like Jesus.

So why can't we follow the example of Jesus? Why can't homosexual Christians join the church as they are and become more like Jesus, just as the rest of us are striving to do? Some claim that homosexuality isn't a sin, but I believe it is, even if those struggling with that sin don't name it as such. Even so, I believe a homosexual can be a Christian because I believe we still struggle with sin after giving our lives to Christ. So why regulate what sins church members may and may not struggle with? Jesus clearly did not give us that example.

Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (NIV) Christ died for us while we were still sinners, so why can't we accept Christians into our church who are still struggling with sin? Aren't all of us struggling with sin anyway?

But then I discovered my own hypocrisy. In all my finger pointing at the convention, I am failing to heed the second greatest commandment: love others as I love myself. No, I don't agree with all the theology and tactics of the SBC and BSCNC, but to view them as enemies is clearly not biblical either. There are names that come to mind of people whom I get angry with. These very people are still my brothers in Christ. All the theological viewpoints in the world couldn't change that fact.

I think there are still some great members of the Convention and I think there are great leaders at Caswell. If my kids are growing in Christ as a result of the work of the BSCNC, I'd be an idiot to keep them from it.

So my question now is, what are those of us who are moderate Baptists doing to love our fundamentalist brothers and sisters? Because if all we do is point fingers and judge them, we're kicking Christians out of our circles too.

The Crab Feast

2007-11-12T15:30:00.000-08:00

I have realized the Maryland equivalent of a pig pickin': the crab feast.

Behold the little wooden mallets we use to crack open the crab shell. After a successful entry, we begin to pick apart the body for meat, being sure to avoid the parts that will make us sick. We eagerly eat the tiny pieces of meat that are the rewards of our work.

We dissect our food to eat it. This is not much better than the southern-style pig pickin' (note: I have learned it is not a "pig picking").

I have composed a haiku:

Small, wooden mallet,
Help me dissect this large crab.
Is the work worth it?

Krasinski, is it?

2007-11-09T15:49:00.000-08:00

In my writing class we have been assigned to write our obituaries. I figured it would be as if we died now and we would have to sum up our real lives.

But no.

We can make up our lives and die when we're old. We could say we'd achieved all our goals.

That led me to a fantastic conclusion: I can pick my spouse!

In my obituary I will die as Rebecca Lee Krasinski, wife of actor John Krasinski, who plays Jim on "The Office."

I called my friend Mark to tell him this exciting news. He thought that last name sounded like the Unabomber.

That's no good.

So he looked it up. He said, "John's last name is Krasisnki, the Unabomber's last name is Kaczynski." Sound alike, huh?

I just found it hilarious that we had to differentiate between my "husband" and the Unabomber.

I Understand Some Things....

2007-10-29T16:32:00.001-07:00

....but some things I don't.

For instance, I don't understand why 75% of the time I drink coffee, it slips out of the cup and onto my shirt. I don't understand why, in an age of increased safety measures such as bicycle helmets and car seats until a child is almost fully grown, there is a general acceptance of tennis shoes with wheels on them. I don't understand why I didn't stick to a simple topic, like my classmates, who chose things such as dress codes and local school issues, for my Ministry of Writing opinon paper, but instead thought it was a good idea to tackle government-funded HMOs.

But I do understand that I know some pretty cool people.

In the past month I have been up to Altoona, PA twice. While the circumstances weren't ideal, I did get a chance to meet some very cool family members (or re-meet since I apparently met most of them before my ability to form memories became a regular facet in my brain).

What is my dad's cousin's relationship to me? Is she my second cousin? Is she my great cousin? Is she my cousin twice removed with a tulip garden? Well, anyway, her name is Sharon, and regardless of what exact relation she is to me, she is rather spectacular.

I have heard about her for years, but I had never met her. I finally did, and she's hilarious! She also understands my passion for urban ministry and took me on a short walk around the block of her church's neighborhood during the dinner after my grandma's funeral. She could have been doing a million things, but she took time out to do that for me. She really took care of my grandma and has helped my family out in so many ways. Maybe one day I'll just show up on her doorstep for a visit.

Then there's another of my dad's cousins, Tim, and his wife Jenny. They do mission work in the Dominican Republic and they live just a couple of hours outside of Chicago! I can hardly beleive these amazing people were just a train ride away all last semester and I didn't even know it!

I re-met a lot of people who loved my grandma. Usually they would say, "You must be Bill's kids" because I was standing by my brother and he "looks just like [my] dad!" One lady tried to explain her relation to me by saying how she was related to someone else, but I didn't know who that someone else was, so I just smiled and received a hug.

So many people told me that they read my stories and poems. I was very suprised at this and tried to think about what they possibly could have read, because I want to read it too! Apparently my grandma had a plethora of my writing endeavors from over the years and gladly shared them.

When Sharon spoke at the funeral, she told all the grandchildren how proud Grandma had been of us. I really didn't know Grandma was that proud of us, but now I do. Sharon might have thought she was reminding us of something we already knew, but I discovered in a bright, new light more of how pround of all of us Grandma really was.

I'm really rather blessed to have such a great family. My dad has about a bazillion cousins (Grandma had 9 others brothers and sisters who had kids) and I couldn't list them all if I tried. Yet, it was rather neat to re-meet all these people who remembered me, even if I felt like I was seeing them for the first time. Plus I got to meet a good childhood friend of my dad's who helped my father coerce their children's Sunday School class into continually electing them as President and Vice-President, and letting any challengers "know how it was" in that class.

I got to see a family tree from Grandma's side of the family. Her parents were both born in 1882, so I was born 100 years- to the year- after my great-grandparents. You know what else? My grandma once told me her grandfather had been in the ministry. So I am going into the same vocation as my great, great grandpa.

I have long since been interested in my family history, now I really want to explore it. Maybe one of my ancestors buried a trunk with an obsene amount of money, even by today's standards, as a type of fund for their, great, great, great, great grandaughter to pay off her college loans. Yea, and maybe I'm related to the queen of England.

Details Please

2007-10-27T06:43:00.000-07:00

I don't think of myself as poor, but when I can't afford the advertised price of a chicken biscuit combo at Bojangles, it sure seems that way.

The Bojangles in Lillington, NC usually lists prices for special meals on it's marquee sign. Right now a chicken fillet combo is $429. Last week I saw a meal deal that was $1599.

I don't know about you, but I can't afford that.

Or maybe they just can't afford decimals.

I've Heard Rules About No Shoes and No Shirt.....But No Pants?

2007-10-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

I planned on blogging about other things, but I know a good blog story when I see one.

I gave my house key to a friend to watch the dogs while my family was away. I got the key back, but failed to put it on my keyring. I got home tonight about midnight. The front door was locked.

No problem. This had happened before. I went around to the side and dropped my things, including my laptop (which I tried super hard to lower to the ground as far as could be), over the fence. Then I started to climb.

I was wearing gaucho pants. For many who have seen "Never Been Kissed," you probably know that gaucho pants are very wide-legged pants that are almost like a skirt. Their particular fabric makes them very flowy.

Gaucho pants do not make good climbing pants. I got one leg over the fence and had a hard time getting the rest of the way over. But I had done this before. So I tried a new tactic. I kicked off my flip flops so my feet could more easily fit into the holes on the chainlink fence.

That was a bad idea. While my feet fit in more easily, I could not get a good grip. The fence would get me between the toes and it just plain hurt doing it that way. I decided to abandon my fence climb, but upon getting down I realized my gaucho pants were stuck in about two or three places.

So there I was, my body bent over the top of the fence. I was stuck. I pulled and maneuvered my pants off the chain link structure and got down. But I was still outside the fence. I got an idea. If I took my pants off they couldn't get stuck. Now, as a 10-year-old I was the only one I know of in my gym class who refused to do summersaults for fear of breaking my neck. Trust me, climbing this fence brought similar concerns. Yes, I pray when I climb fences, which is not often. All that to say, I could just imagine my family finding me the next morning in my underwear, wondering how on earth it all happened.

But still, I wanted to get inside. I went to the front door and rang the doorbell many times. No answer. Calling on my cellphone was a good idea. Too bad I locked it in my car and had dropped my keys over the fence with my things. We have no neighbor on one side of our house, so I did what any Frederick might do. I went around the house and took off my pants.

In the light of the moon I attempted to climb the fence in my underwear. I knew better than to drop my pants on the other side of the fence, so I held onto them with a firm bite. It didn't work. I had one flip flop that I had dropped outside the fence, but the climb hurt my other bare foot so much. So I put my pants back on and rang the doorbell more. No answer. I began to think my parents were trying to teach me a lesson.

Fine, I would try again. I had bent the fence on my first climbing attempt of the night(Heh...heh....dad, think of it as a memory maker), but I wanted to get in and if they weren't gonna answer the door I needed to find a way.

I went back to the side of the house and took my pants off again. By the light of the moon I again attempted to climb the fence in my underwear. I tried putting the flip flop on the wrong foot, because that was the one that took the most force when I tried to get the rest of my body over the fence. I couldn't do it, my bare foot hurt too bad.

I put my pants back on and weighed my options. I could put the flip flop on my right foot, get my leg over and transfer the shoe to my left. Or I could ring the doorbell. I opted for the latter. But as I was walking back to the front door I decided I should just knock on the bathroom window. I did, it set the dogs off, and got my mom to the front door.

"Sorry." I told my mom and slipped inside.

And that, my friends, is the story of the first time I took my pants off and tried to climb a fence.

Watch Out For That Grill

2007-10-16T20:59:00.001-07:00

"Dad, I can't do it."

"Yes you can. Use your mirrors."

When learning to drive, my dad taught me to back up the car by backing up into camping spaces. I usually had to try multiple times to get in straight and looking back, I'm pretty sure no one else's dad took his child to the woods to learn to drive.

As I whipped out of my driveway in reverse the other day, I thought that maybe, just maybe dad's campground driver's ed was useful.

Oh the simplicity of back roads, a state park, and dad in the passenger's seat.

Hand in the Toy Machine and Other News of the Weird

2007-10-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

You know those game machines that have the claw and you have to try and grab a stuffed animal after putting in your quarters? I know those very well. I got stuck in one.

It was at a mom and pop ice cream shop around the time I was 5. I wasn't going to steal, I was just curious if I could touch a toy, were I to shove my arm up through the little trap door.

Problem was, my arm didn't come back out. It wasn't until rescue personel came to help that I was free from that rather odd encounter.

Fast forward a bit. I went on an overnight field trip with my fifth grade class. I woke up with a blurry spot in my eye. Twas a tick, right where you might put some eyeliner. I still think I am missing an eyelash from where they had to lay me on the table and pull it off me.

Fast forward a little more. My brother was on a community baseball team and I loved to read. "Heads up!" They called and everyone cleared the bench. My nose in a book, I just slid over a couple feet. The ball landed right on my head.

At the emergency room the doctor asked me to count backwards from 100 to 1 by 7's. I got to 93 and was stumped.

If you want to fast forward even farther you can check out my very first blog site at http://rebeccalee782.livejournal.com/ and read about why the whole cast of Whinnie the Pooh has a mental condition or how I saw what could easily be explained as a possible pigeon murder. There are also entries about my travels around the country, but for a lot of them you have to go pretty far back.

I refuse to be dull.

Celebrate Truth

2007-10-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have a memory. I was 10 and about to graduate from the 5th grade. Sitting at the dinner table I asked my dad if I could have a new dress for graduation. He answered yes, as if it was one of the most appropriate things I could have and I was thrilled to go pick out a dress at the store.

Shortly thereafter I found out my grandma would be making my dress. Let's just say I was a little disappointed. There were so many frilly dresses with lace and ribbons and I really wanted one of those.

Then the dress my grandma made arrived.

I looked at it. It was the most beautiful dress I had ever seen. It was a light purple, and to this day I am enamoured by purple. I would lay in bed at night and look at that dress in my closest and think about how pretty it was and how I couldn't wait to wear it.

I wore it to my graduation and also wore it to Chuck-E-Cheese because I insisted I wanted to eat there. I remember wanting more dresses just like it and my mom tried to tell me that as I got older dress styles would change.

I was reminded of that story tonight. I'm in Altoona, PA right now, the home of my father's side of the family. Grandma isn't doing so well and tonight we held her hands and touched her face and I realized something.

She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.

I didn't pick up on it for so long. She was just grandma all my life. I loved her, she loved me. Yet, like that dress, I didn't quite expect the beauty that was there. I saw it tonight.

As I watched her in her bed, happy to see us, somewhat coherent as to who we were, I once again realized that apart from Christ there is no point. Seeing a loved one go through the dying process intensified my desire for God because I know where she will be soon. She is here now, but not for long.

Soon she will be with all her brothers and sisters in Christ who went on before her. But most of all, she will be with her Creator.

You know something she said recently? "I have nothing to complain about because Christ suffered so much more."

What faith.

My family and I will join her too. We will see our Creator. We will have no more fear. We will laugh and dance.

Celebrate truth.

Scrabble

2007-10-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

A few of my friends have taken to playing Scrabble on Facebook and anytime I think of Scrabble, I think of Waco, TX.

Random, eh? Not so much. At Mission Waco's homeless shelter, a group would often be playing scrabble before heading off to bed.

One memory in particular stands out. Roy was incredibly smart and usually had amazing words to make with his letters. I say "usually" because one time he came up with a word that can still make me laugh to this day.

Glover. Many insisted that wasn't a word. His response? "Glover. One who gloves." I think he was going for the baseball player catching a ground ball image.

We kept a dictionary around and I can't remember if they looked it up, but I'm pretty sure the word didn't count.

Hilarious.

What Can I Say? It's a Passion

2007-10-02T20:14:00.000-07:00

So I took some me time tonight. In the fullest semester I think I've ever had, I have not had time (or gas money) to make the trip I love- Barnes and Noble.

Reading and I have quite the relationship. Mom started it by making frog croaks during "Berenstain Bears in the Dark" and it continued through summer reading programs and books mom bought me.

Reading and I hit a rough patch in high school, but by college I had discovered Lawana Blackwell and was back in the game. When I took that semester off from undergrad and waited weeks till I started a job, books were a constant companion.

Sometimes I think God speaks to me through what I read; even fiction. I can see the spines of books and they remind of me of another time in life when I read them. I can get emotional over books. I can also hate them (i.e. certain textbooks).

But tonight I did something that I've needed. I got in the car and went somewhere by myself and ordered the largest white mocha frappachino on the menu and settled into an arm chair. I was there for hours.

God did speak to me tonight and I feel refreshed, more certain of who I am in Him.

Maybe my passion for words is why Psalms is one of my favorite books in the Bible. The way it captures just about every human emotion is fascinating.

Yea, reading isn't just a pastime. It's a passion.

This Too Shall Pass

2007-10-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

I am a jealous person. I know it's wrong, but I can't seem to help it. I don't get jealous over clothes or cars or most material possessions. I get jealous over relationships and spirituality. Maybe envious is a better word, or maybe its the same thing.

In many ways I feel like a life-long cheerleader. Not the kind that puts her hair in a pony tail and dons a skirt for a basketball game, but the every day cheerleader who is here to encourage everyone else.

Encouragement is not bad; it's one of my spiritual gifts. But sometimes I get tired of cheering. I want things to happen to me and for me and I get pretty bogged down when they don't. Being happy for others is good, very good. But sometimes it exhausts me.

Sometimes people have close relationships with people I want to be close to. Sometimes people seem to be so spiritually mature and I want that same maturity in Christ. Truth is, for so long I ran from questions because they only seemed to produce fear. I now find myself being able to question, and feel light years behind other people.

I am a pretty outgoing person, but often there seems to be a disconnect between people and me. It's as if there is so much going on inside of me that I feel socially awkward. I'm sorting through some confusion.

This too shall pass.

A Little Perspective

2007-09-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

I am 25; I will be 25 when I graduate.

Graduation from Divinity school will come 8 years after I started at Campbell.

A little math: Very close to 1/3 of my life I have been a student at Campbell.

Wow.

Zeal or Pride?

2007-09-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

I got this quote from a minister at Breakthrough Urban Ministries in Chicago. He got it from Breakthrough's executive director. This quote is.....wow. I can't speak for the calling to other areas of ministry, but for the urban minister there is incredible truth here.

It also reminds me of one of my favorite verses. "Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord." ~Romans 12:11

How important it is to know the difference between pride and Christ-honoring zeal. How important it is to draw near to the Savior to recognize the difference.

"Those of us who do work explicitly defined as Christian..live in an
especially hazardous environment, for the very nature of the work is a constant
temptation to sin. The sin is, to put an old word on it, pride. But it is often
nearly impossible to identify as pride, especially in its early stages. It looks
and feels like energetic commitment, sacrificial zeal, selfish
devotion.

But something almost always goes wrong. In our zeal to proclaim the Savior
and enact his commands, we lose touch with our own basis and daily need for the
savior. We feel so good, so grateful, so saved. And these people around us
are in such need. We throw ourselves recklessly into the fray. Along
the way most of us end up so identifying our work with Christ's work that Christ
himself recedes into the shadows and our work is spotlighted at center
stage. Because the work is so compelling, so engaging - so right - we
work with what feels like divine energy. One day we find ourselves (or
others find us) worked into the ground. The work may be wonderful, but we
ourselves turn out to be not so wonderful, becoming cranky, exhausted, pushy, and
patronizing in the process.

The alternative to acting like gods who have no need of God is to become
contemplative ministers. If we do not develop a contemplative life
adequate to our vocation, the very work we do and our very best intention,
insidiously pride-fueled as they inevitable become, destroy us and with whom and
for whom we work.

Contemplation comprises the huge realities of worship and prayer
without which we become performance-driven and program-obsessed ministers.
A contemplative life is not an alternative to the active life, but its root and
foundation. True contemplatives are a standing refutation of all who
mislabel spirituality as escapism. If ministers do not practice the
contemplative life, how will people know the truth of it and have access to its
energy? The contemplative life generatesand releases and enormous
amount of energy into the world-the enlivening energy of God's grace rather than
the enervating frenzy of our pride."

-Eugene Peterson Under the Unpredictable Plant

Broken Heart?

2007-09-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

The summer I turned 14 I had quite the crush on this guy who came down every summer to visit his grandparents down the street. Maybe I thought I had a big secret, but I'm pretty sure my whole family knew.

He had been visiting for about 2 weeks each summer for quite a few years. The routine was generally the same. My brother David and I would watch Little House on the Prairie and then we would meet up with Justin and another neighbor for hours of playing war outside, using various backyards for battleground. As the years past I stopped seeing so much of a fun kid that came around and I inevitably developed the young teenage crush.

As the years went on my brother was very attuned to what was going on and made it a point to mention to my parents and me when he noticed our friend look at me a certain way or do anything to indicate someone might like his little sister.

At my 14th birthday party he came, present in hand. When I opened up a silver-colored necklace my heart jumped off rhythm for just a second. I couldn't believe it! He had gotten me a present! He later informed me his grandma made him bring a present to my birthday party, which now makes me laugh.

When I blew out the candles on my cake I wished that I could kiss him. Now do believe me, that was a huge growing up step in my young life. While I may have been more mature than others my age in some areas of life, I was quite behind when it came to boys, and makeup, and "typical teenage things." Wanting to hold onto my "secret," when my best friend asked me what I wished for I said, "To read every book in the world." That wasn't too far from a wish I probably would have made. She said I should have wished for something more practical.

Maybe it was that summer or maybe it was another, but Justin had just left. I rode my bike around and around the cul-de-sac that made up so much of my childhood and I felt sad. I wondered to myself, "Is this what it feels like to have a broken heart?"

A couple hours later I was probably off doing something else, the thoughts from before barely even registering in my mind.

No, I never kissed the boy and I'm not sure where he is now. Last I heard he was in Annapolis and had a girlfriend, but that was many years ago. His grandma passed away a few years after that and eventually someone else moved into that house. Not too long after that my family moved to North Carolina.

As I look at the heartbreaks that came in later years, I see how gracious God was to let me be introduced to that kind of pain slowly. I also see how faithful God has been in carrying me past all of that pain.

Heartbreaks come now in different ways, but sometimes I just like to remember. Remember a place and time when a crush was the world and 3008 Sherwood Rd was the center of the universe.

Sometimes I think about those growing points in my life and I simply smile.

On the Lifehouse Video

2007-09-22T23:56:00.000-07:00

I am not sure how to put text and a video together without messing it up. I'm not exactly tech savvy. But I wanted to express this.

God is working in me in mighty and powerful ways. Listen to the words. Many of the lyrics of this song describe what I feel. God is speaking. This is worship.

Lifehouse - Breathing (Music Video)

2007-09-22T23:55:00.001-07:00

Give Up the Fight?

2007-09-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

I'm a Republican; largely due to tradition and stuborness. It was a group of Republicans in a Waldorf Borders that stirred up my interest in politics, I decided long ago that I identified more closely with the Republican Party, and I refuse to fall into the trap of thinking that only Christians who are democrats are truly carrying out Christ's command to care for the poor.

So, I had this conversation with a good friend last night. He talked about how he believes abortion is wrong, as do I. But he went further. He talked about how right-wing churches preach abortion is wrong and that there are other options, such as adoption. The problem, he says, is that those churches do nothing to make the other options more available. He can't think of any mid to upper-class conservative white people adopting babies from the ghetto, or babies with AIDS, or babies with birth defects.

It's true. So many Christians champion around teens who don't have abortions, but when they see a teen carrying a baby at the mall they just shake their heads in disgust. Shouldn't they be happy that they got what they wanted?? The girl didn't have an abortion!

There's a total disconnect. No one wants to help raise the child; babysitting for free, helping buy diapers, teaching women how to be better mothers. It's as if once the abortion doesn't happen, the baby is totally the girl's "problem." Don't get me wrong, I believe abortion is a sin, but what are we as churches doing to provide other options?

This post was originally going to be about health care and how I wonder if government-funded care is the best the poor of this nation can ever hope for. I think government-funded health care is some of the worst health care anywhere (those of you having experience with military doctors and hospitals probably understand). So the "Give Up the Fight?" headline was about my questioning whether I should forget thinking there is better care. I keep saying bad health care is better than no health care, but there has to be something better for the people of this nation. Like abortion, if I can't help provide those other options, why am I preaching against what IS available?

So should I give up the fight and support government-funded health care? Maybe I should.

On Blogging

2007-09-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in this Ministry of Writing class and it has produced a precise response within me: the beginnings of humility regarding my own abilities. I say beginnings of humility because I realize the hypocrisy of calling oneself humble. Trust me, that I am not.

For this class we are supposed to start or continue a blog. That was no problem for me, as my faithful friend Rachel introduced me to the blogging sphere years ago. But then there is the question of content.

There is often the pressure to post these incredibly deep and insightful posts, especially now that my professor will be taking a look. However, nobody is deep and insightful all the time. My blog is not to inspire the world- though were that to happen I'd be pleased. My blog is about communicating with family and friends. I want them to see a more holistic picture of me; the deep, the random, and the light-hearted. So yes, I might blog about what God has been teaching me. Then again, I also might blog about the hilarious headline I read in the nearby smalltown newspaper.

So that's my explanation of my blog. You can take it or leave it, but I hope you take it.

Wow, That's Me!

2007-09-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

Wow....this dead on from just a 3 question test!

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

Church Directory, Round 2

2007-09-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

A few years ago my church published a directory of its members. Was my picture in this publication? No, but my printed contact information in the back was.

I'm kind of funny like that. I felt really awkward about getting my picture by myself, so I just opted out. I was going that route this time around until my pastor asked me point blank if I had made my photo appointment. I tried the standard, "Should I get my picture taken since I'm leaving in May?" graduation excuse, but he assured me I was part of the church family now, so I should be included.

So why the apprehension to put my face on a page? Well, when I look at church directories I always think it's kind of sad to see a bunch of families and then a single person's portrait. I don't mean single, as in not married. I mean single, as in the only person in the picture. It's not a married/single issue, after all.

If my parents went to my church I would have no hesitancy to get our picture made. Though some might argue that a 25-year-old still living in her parental family unit looks odd. So, it's not the fact that I don't have a husband, rather it's the fact that I don't have anyone in the picture with me and I think that looks lonely.

I thought about all that before I even began to think about the process of getting the picture made. After taking photo after photo of families, the photographer will probably have to readjust the zoom to take a picture of just me. I will feel ackward, I'm sure. Not to mention the free 8x10 picture I receive. Trust me, I don't want that.

I just hate looking like I have no one. No cousins, parents, friends, family. I know most people don't even think that when looking at church directories. I know that, as a member of the body of Christ, the church is also my family.

But for some reason, I dislike the idea of a me-only church directory photo.

Um....

2007-09-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to my first ever yoga class. I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive; especially after studying Hinduism in World Religions. But it was Memorial Baptist Church, and figuring they're Biblically sound, I went ahead and went to the class with my mom.

It was taught by a lady I know at church, so that made it more comfortable. Yet, as we sat there and we closed our eyes and she said, "Ummmmmm ", I knew that were Erin there we would have giggled quite heartily.

We tried all kinds of weird moves and positions and there was only one I really couldn't do. I think it was towards the end, as we were laying there in the dark, that I thought that my perception of "ummmmmmm" was more like "um...." as in "um....what on earth is this?"

In fact, at one point, as I stood there, bent at the waist and seeing a hallway at Memorial Baptist upside down, I began to think what a great movie intro that could be. The movie jumps on the screen and everything is upside down. It then flashes to the main character (camera rightside up now), as she bends in an "ummmm" upside down pose and narrates, "I have no idea how I got here." Story continues.

I think my mom and I are gonna go again next week. We'll see how that goes.

Blog Consolidation

2007-09-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

So I have been posting to 4 different blogs and frankly it's gotten a little annoying. So what I'm asking is for you to let me know which of the blogs I post on (livejournal, xanga, myspace, blogspot) that you read. I'm kind of hoping to cut out livejournal and xanga, but we'll see.

Unrecognized Apathy

2007-08-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went with my pastor to visit some of our homebound members. I'm currently doing my supervised ministry and decided to make visits part of my ministry experience. I just assumed we would have to drive some distance, but before I knew it he had pulled into a driveway just several yards from Campbell buildings.

I had seen the house so many times, but I had failed to think about who was inside. As we went in we got to talk with an amazing lady. Living in Buies Creek and being much older than myself, I didn't really think much about what she used to do. Then I found out she used to be a surgical nurse and ran an operating room.

We went to the next house where the lady said how she used to walk a mile to go to school in Buies Creek. We complain about walking across campus from a far away parking space. She told me how her husband had built the very house she lived in because their old one, which you could see from her driveway, was too big for them as they got older. She said she was amazed that there was a Chinese resteraunt around. I thought I was amazed...nothing compared to her, I'm sure.

We went to the third house and I met a lady who was super sweet and invited me back at least twice. She talked about Mae (May?) Marshbanks, whom I found out is 90 years old. I think about that. 90. That means she was 65 years old when I was born. My whole life is just a fraction of her time here on earth, her experience, her wisdom.

All these houses sit around the Creek and we students fail to think about the hands that built them. We have an apathy regarding community members other than college students or staff, and we have an apathy regarding the history to be found in the stories of homeowners all around us.

We wouldn't call it apathy because we don't recognize it as such. Most people would say, "That's not apathy, it's just that I never noticed." Is that not apathy of that which is not directly concerning ourselves? If apathy is a failure to care, then isn't our failure to notice that which is outside of our immediate realm on campus constitute a form of apathy?

There are several amazing generations living in Buies Creek, and all we care about is ours. We watch Campbell knock things down and build things up. We see our community change all around us. There are people who are living witnesses to this amazing area that has become a part of each students' life story. We have people around who personally knew the individuals our buildings are named after. We have history, wisdom, and godliness all around us and we don't reach out for it.

Sometimes we're quite blind to the blessings that have been here long before we got here.

My Car

2007-08-27T19:12:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I won't be participating in the 39 mile breast cancer walk. It seems my car has taken to being ill and it won't be as easy as I thought to get to and stay in Charlotte. Of course my ol' 2000 Chevy Cavalier hasn't abandoned me completely. I can drive it locally, and even to Raleigh sometimes. I just can't take it on trips that are hours long.....Charlotte....Maryland.....Atlanta (ok Lauren, we can still work with this!). But it's ok because compared to the thought of not having a car at all (which would mean good-bye babysitting job and saving money by living off campus with mom and dad) the local thing isn't so bad. And there's another bright spot- I'll save on gas money!

Waldorf Worldwide

2007-08-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

Many of you may be familiar with the tune my little blog post is named after. Good Charlotte, a rather odd looking singing troup, are indeed singing about my hometown in that once-was-a-hit song.

I took a drive around Waldorf today while my mom took a trip to ye olde doctor. First I went by the new Starbucks to get a white mocha frappachino (my favorite starbucks treat) for the drive. I went by my house. They landscaped.

Sure, landscaping is good....but how are you supposed to sled down the front yard hill with a bunch of flowers and a brick walkway? And what's with totally changing the color and siding of the garage!? Was the way we lived not good enough?? Ok, really....I'm ok with it.

On my trip I passed my the house on a hill with a wrap around porch I used to dream of living in. I swung through town and passed My Brother's Place, where local bands (such as MXPX) would play before they got big. I went by the old mall and was pleasantly suprised to see new retail additions such as Build-A-Bear.

I stopped in the Borders where I once got to dance some very basic swing steps with a rather cute instructer. It was also the Borders parking lot where I first locked my keys in the car while it was running. I saw Boston Market and Einstein Bagel Bros. and Family Christian Stores, all of which I worked at.

There were stores I shopped at, neighborhood streets I walked on, and resteraunts I ate in. I think I miss my neighborhood most of all. There were miles and miles of sidewalks and you could literally get lost in the many streets and cul-de-sacs.

I didn't realize how much I missed Waldorf. As mom and I were leaving Borders I thought about how natural it felt, not odd at all to be back.

And of course it's always fun to browse the local section of the bookstore and see books on the nation's capitol. :)

On Poverty

2007-08-15T19:50:00.001-07:00

I had an amazing coversation today with the six-year-old I babysit. We were playing Monopoly (yes, with a lot of guidance a six-year-old can play Monopoly!) and she was about out of money, which she commented on.

She then said, "Some people don't have any money." To which I replied, "That's right."

She said, "Is that why you're moving to the city? To give people money?"

I replied, "Well, not to give them money, but to teach them how to get jobs and give them a place to live (as some examples)."

I was very excited to be able to share my ministry with her. Even though she is only six and lives in a family that has two parents in the household and they don't have to worry about money, she still gets it that others have less.

The precious faith and insight of a child.

Country Club Travel

2007-08-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

In all my time of driving the golf cart for admissions there was one rule: stay off the road. Well people, today I took it to the streets.

No, I wasn't working in admissions. I was working in Keith Hills, babysitting. The family I babysit for just bought a new golf cart, so the kids and I took it out for a spin. We headed up to the clubhouse for lunch and then took a leisurely drive around the block.

As we were leaving the house I was quite thankful for the golf cart driving test I had to pass that involved cone weaving, backing up, and crossing through a narrow space. I assured my kids that I had taken a golf cart driver's test, especially after my six-year-old asked me if I was old enough to drive a golf cart (you have to be 10. I'm not even sure why she had to ask).

Let me just say, owning (or knowing someone who owns) a golf cart is quite fun.

Same Kind of Different As Me

2007-07-31T19:12:00.001-07:00

I know that so many of us are busy with work or with school that will start soon, but I want to tell you about this book I have. I actually checked it out from the library and read it in Chicago, but bought it not too long ago so that I would have a copy for myself and to lend to others.

It's "Same Kind of Different as Me" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore with Lynn Vincent. This book was absolutely amazing and is well worth the read. The line on the front of the book (so you'll have some idea what it's about) is, "A modern-day slave, an international art dealer, and the unlikely woman who bound them together." It's a true story and is such an incredible testimony to Christ's healing of man-made division. I realize I sound like an advertisement, but this book was so powerful to me and I'd love to be able to talk about it and process it with more people.

Please, please...if you have even the slightest notion that you might want to read it, borrow it from me. I would love to discuss it with you.

Love in the Mental Health Aisle

2007-07-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

So I was in Barnes and Noble tonight looking at books on OCD. It occurred to me how unfortunate it would be for me to meet my husband in the psychology section. What would we tell our children?

"Yes, well he wandered over into the psychology section and saw me holding an OCD workbook. Amazed that I was investigating such a topic and wanting to show how easily he related to me, he whipped out the line, 'You have OCD? Me too.' And we talked about our mental illness over grande frappachinos."

We could look at each other years later and say, "You had me from anxiety."

Swaying Opinions

2007-07-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

So my birthday was great- thanks to everyone who helped make it special!

On a different note, I've been told by more than one person that I have the ability to go just about anywhere and basically thrive. I think God has given me an adventurous spirit. Drop me off in Waco, Chicago, New York with a church I saw on a flier- I'm usually up for the challenge.

I have this amazing ability to adapt to new situations, which is probably why I dislike routine so much. This quality is a good one for ministry as I'm willing to go just about anywhere. Yet, with this ability to adapt I find myself confused over many different philosophies and such.

For instance, when I was in Chicago and taking a social justice class, it all seemed to fit together so perfectly. Then I come back home and talked to a knowledgeable friend who differs on most of those opinions and his argument sounds so valid.

I hear Republican attacks on Democrats and they make so much sense. Then I hear a Democrat viewpoint and I see its merit.

But then again, it is easy to find some research somewhere that will support anything. For instance, I was recently looking at two books published by the same man. One was for Democrats seeking to win arguments with Republicans and the other was for Republicans seeking to win arguments with Democrats. Both books by the same man!

Today my pastor talked about the verses that tell us not to be taken captive by deceptive theologies. While I know that my faith is firmly rooted in God through Jesus Christ, I wonder how many pastors and theologians could convince me of a certain aspect of the faith. For instance, you have those proclaiming the gospel of prosperity and those sounding the horn of living simply. For those of you who know me and the ministry God has given me, you probably know which side of that issue I fall on. But what other issues will I be so easily swayed from side to side?

It is, in fact, my own fault when I'm confused by what I believe because I so often look to myself and to others. I just need to look to Christ. After a week at Caswell with my youth I feel that God is calling me back to a more serious study of his word. Not that I ever stopped reading the Word, but more that for a while I had been reading it out of routine and a sense of obligation. God has been reminding me how fresh and exciting his word is everytime I open my Bible and that it doesn't get old.

So I guess getting more serious about being in the Word and talking with God will clear up some of this swaying of opinion I seem to have. I feel like the Isrealites on the road to the promised land. Why does it sometimes take me so long to get what God has been showing me all along?

Back from Caswell

2007-07-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I got back from a week at Fort Caswell with most of the youth from my church. This was a great experience for many reasons. 1. I got to know the kids a whole lot better. They are crazy. I wouldn't have them any other way. 2. I started looking at my relationship with God in a new light and it's really exciting. Caswell was gorgeous. If you ever get a chance to go- do it!

Also, the day before I left I bought a chair. This is not just any chair. This is a big, comfy arm chair for my room that I can sit in and read or use the computer or watch tv or count the fiber content in a box of cereal. I love this chair.

Church today was exceptionally good. I mean, I love my church but I felt an especially exciting sense of fellowship today and the pastor was really into his sermon. I mean, I'm sure he usually is, but today I especially noticed it.

Just thought I'd update some since it's been a while. I am struggling with some thoughts and issues and stuff, so keep me in your prayers in regards to that. Hope everyone is doing great!

Dear Tech Support, It Was My Dog

2007-07-04T20:23:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I have lately had a hard time deleting and backspacing on my laptop since those keys, and one other one of which I am not certain which one it is, are missing. How did this happen? My dog decided to bust into my room and use my laptop as a stage. Sound absurd? Here's a little tidbit of the online chat I had with a sales rep. I have cut out the more tech sounding stuff:

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "Thank You for purchasing a Dell product. I can see from our records that you have contacted us for the first time. Let me assure you that i will provide you the best possible support and help resolve any questions you may have."

Rebecca Frederick: "thank you"

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "You are welcome."

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "Could you elaborate the issue."

Rebecca Frederick: "some of the keys (3 to be exact) came off my keyboard, and there are a few other loose ones nearby the missing ones"

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "May I know how did this happen?"

Rebecca Frederick: "well....this sounds ridiculous, but I work on my laptop while sitting on the floor. I also have dogs. One day one of my dogs pushed open my door and stepped on my laptop and broke it. I realize this sounds absurd."

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "I see."

Rebecca Frederick: "is my keyboard covered in my 1 year warranty?"

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "Rebecca, this kind of damage is not covered under warranty."

Rebecca Frederick: "so for the record, do I sound like a total moron?"

(personal commentary: there was a bit of a pause in response here)

Rebecca Frederick: "ok, you don't have to answer that. is there anyway I can pay to have my laptop serviced?"

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "Do not worry, I will give you sales number and the part to replace the keyboard kit."

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "Are you experiencing any other issue with system other than keyboard?"

Rebecca Frederick: "no"

Rebecca Frederick: "ok thank you"

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "Is there anything else regarding your Dell system that you need help with?"

Rebecca Frederick: "no mam"

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "Are you satisfied with the level of support provided to you on this interaction?"

Rebecca Frederick: "on your part, yes. on the part of it not being covered, not as much."

Agent (Nidhi_105620): "I understand."

Is that not hilarious???

Pick Your Fountain

2007-07-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

Those of you who journeyed through undergrad at Campbell at the same time I did probably remember the infamous fountain campaign.

We are now living in the days of football and convocation centers, but not too long ago the ambitions of Campbell were a lot simpler: a fountain in front of the business school.

You might remember the framed picture set up in one of the entrances to the buisness building. You might remember the jokes made whenever tuition went up, parking tickets were given, or any kind of fee was imposed..."they've gotta pay for the fountain." You also might remember that the planning to finishing phase for this fountain literally took years!

Today I took the kids I watch to Campbell and we walked around and looked at the fountains. First, we visited that well-campaigned-for water spout and then the older, smaller, more pathetic looking fountain.

Which one did my kids enjoy more? At which one did they engage in more splashing and running? You got it.....the old one.

So much for fountain campaigns.